Four people were riding in a boat off the coast of Volusia County on Thursday when a dolphin jumped out of the water and hit two of them in the chest.
Oh! I should mention: when the article says the dolphin "hit" two people in the chest, it wasn't like it came up and jump-kicked them or playfully nudged them with its beak-mouth thingy, it full on Jimmy Superfly Snuka'd (1:43 mark) their asses.
Norman Howard came out of the hospital...in remarkably good shape considering that his morning outing...ended with a 9-foot, 400-pound dolphin in his lap."It was slapping me pretty, hard. It was throwing some good punches," Howard said.
The group of four had just picked up bait for fishing and was cruising in the Intracoastal Waterway when the dolphin jumped, with no warning,
The mammal landed across the bow, right on top of the couple sitting in the front of the boat. "I was just trying to get it off my wife. I knew she was underneath all of it," Howard said.
Oh God, there's nothing not funny about this story!
"I turned immediately to my wife, took my shirt off, tucked it under her head, and there was blood everywhere."
The group tried to continue their cruise down the Intracoastal Waterway, but when Howard's wife Barbara started having blurred vision, they cut the trip short and met up with the Coast Guard.
Eyewitness News asked all the agencies that work on the water, Fish and Wildlife, Beach Patrol and Coast Guard, and no one can ever remember a report of a dolphin doing this.
Well, that's just science.
Just. Not. Right.
Meh. Just 'cause.
Criminal? Maybe. Ugly as shit? Definitely.
Ka-PLOW LIL BIIIIIITCH.
So in closing...um...dolphins. Thank you for your time.