Thursday, October 2, 2008

You Did It Again Big Guy!!!!!!

Manuel Uribe, whom you may recall from such adventures as: trying to leave his house! Or, Getting fork-lifted to the beach! is at it again. This time? Marriage.

I love you even though you have several breasts and they're all larger than mine!

The world's most obese man is getting hitched. Manuel Uribe says he will wed longtime girlfriend Claudia Solis on Oct. 26 in Monterrey, Mexico. The two will be married in a civil ceremony at a location still to be decided.

"The happiest day of my life was when I said "I do" and then the fork-life operator pulled up a little bit so we could kiss." How do you get around that? The guy is too fat to walk. It's going to be a little tough to get a suitable location that is both romantic and not insanely embarrassing.

Uribe is unable to walk, and leaving his house means being towed through the streets on his specially made bed.


Uribe and Solis have been dating for the last two years. "We are in love," he said. Solis added: "I bathe him every day, and we get along very well. At times, yes, people say things ... that it's a fake relationship, but what we have is real."

At times people say things, like "Is there even a like minute chance that this relationship is remotely physical in any way?" "Does rooting through several layers of epidermis and fat just to find his dirty penis for daily bathing turn you on?" Look. I'm not trying to be mean. These are just questions I think we all want to know. Don't look at me like I'm an asshole. You know you're curious too, you self-righteous fuck. Also, I can't imagine telling a woman who is with a seven hundred pound man that her relationship is fake. She most probably has to seriously love him to stay with him for like 5 minutes, let alone several years. And for him, she bathes him and feeds him. So I guess if people said the relationship was fake in the sense that it was maybe more like she had a pet seven hundred pound man rather than a fiance, well maybe I'd buy that.

"I get lots of e-mails from people saying they are inspired by my progress and I want to get the word out about healthy eating. I'm not against people who sell junk food, but you've got to be informed not to eat it," he said.

See? It's not all fat jokes and me being a prick. That's pretty awesome - and I say that a concerned human being, not as someone who just plain hates fat people. Though I hope there's maybe some stuff lost in translation here, because if those are his words of wisdom, Susan Powter he is not. Unless maybe he gets really specific emails that illicit that type of response.

Dear Manuel, I'm inspired by your progress and trying to lose weight. Fuck Pringles, and fuck Shop Rite for allowing my fat ass to buy them, can I get an Amen? Anyway any words of wisdom for one of your biggest(lol) fans?

Love, Berbalerbs' Obese Sister Clarabell

Dear Clarabell,

Don't hate on Pringles, there's nothing wrong with the people who make them or sell them, just be informed not to eat them and perhaps do not buy them.



Of course this is all assuming he's got his typing stick. Because otherwise an email from him would probably go something like this:

rgafhntdzsnstrkouilguiytr456senjhmn rgn xdbh

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