Friday, October 3, 2008

Science is Helpful, Gross.

So they'll give you an award for anything. Science that is. Science the idea is doling out awards left and right apparently. Cancer research? Nah, how about you get back to me on the affects of soda on sperm counts. Oh you did? Great. How about ovulating strippers? Perfect! Here's your award!

Deborah Anderson had heard the urban legends about the contraceptive effectiveness of Coca-Cola products for years.

Well Deborah, I pray to God you, instead of saying who gives a flying fuck - like any normal person should, went ahead and spent serious time and money investigating this.

So she and her colleagues decided to put the soft drink to the test. In the lab, that is.

The system works!

For discovering that, yes indeed, Coke was a spermicide, Anderson and her team are among this year's winners of the Ig Nobel Prize, the annual award given by the Annals of Improbable Research magazine for oddball but often surprisingly practical scientific achievements.


So, anyone want to explain how this is practical? I can see it all now: more and more teenage pregnancies resulting in kids not knowing that Coke doesn't = condom. Unless it does... hmmm.... tell me more!

Anderson, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Boston University's School of Medicine, and her colleagues found that not only was Coca-Cola a spermicide, but that Diet Coke for some reason worked best. Their study appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1985.

Please note nowhere does it explain how Coca-Cola is a spermicide. Like does it lower your sperm count? Do you just dip your wiener in a cup of Coke pre-coitus?

"We're thrilled to win an Ig Nobel, because the study was somewhat of a parody in the first place," said Anderson, who added that she does not recommend using Coke for birth control purposes.

Oh good, so it was a fucking joke to begin with. Glad we got that wrapped up. Money well spent people, congrats on your prestigious award. Moving right along...

Geoffrey Miller's work could affect the earning potential of exotic dancers everywhere.

Oh boy. Here we go. Now this could be important. Get your singles ready people, I've got the feeling this is going to be awesome.

Miller, an associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico, and his colleagues knew of prior studies that found women are more attractive to men when at peak fertility. So they took the work one step further — by studying earnings of exotic dancers.

Ummm.. ok? I'm still with you... sort of... Please go on?

In the 18 subjects Miller studied, average earnings were $250 for a five-hour shift. That jumped to $350 to $400 per five-hour shift when the women were their most fertile, he said.

First off: ew. But there you have it, sluts. Make sure you work your shifts around your ovulations, because that's where the real money is... whoa wait... average earnings for a 5 hour shift = $250? Why wouldn't anyone be a stripper? I mean besides the fat and/or hideously and improbably deformed. But still, holy greased poles batman. I should be a stripper. And learn how to ovulate. And move to New Mexico. Oooooooh or I could be a scientist. Here's how my interview at the New Mexico Center for All things Science-y and Shit would go:

"Do you have your degree?"

"Nope, don't need one."

"Why's that?"

"Well I plan to study strippers sir, and I've done what you could call, extensive interning to gain maximum experience in this area. Though none for college credit."

"Strippers, eh? What about them that's so important? You don't think your knowledge would be better put towards AIDs or Cancer or SIDs or something?"

"Well like I said earlier, I don't have any science-y type degree, but instead what I had been subtlely hinting at was that I spend several hours in strip-clubs, so this would be perfect for me."

"Well great then, you're hired. Make us proud."

"I will... is it cool if I get all my petty cash in singles?"

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