Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You Can't Arrest Me! I Don't Think You're Ready for This Jelly!!!

Hi. I'm Robert Williams, Junior. I've got 99 problems. Here are a few of them: Jay Z, the police, Vaughan Dumas, driving, and standing up my girl!

A Detroit-area man faces a variety of charges after nearly hitting a patrol car and telling police that singer Beyonce was waiting to meet him in New York, authorities said. The man, 33, of Macomb Township, Mich., was detained early Sunday after driving in a "reckless manner" in a parking lot and nearly striking a parked patrol car, said police spokesman Vaughan Dumas.

Why is this such a huge deal? Beyonce and I are in love. Crazy in love. I'm ready for that jelly. Umm.. she said the signs are obvious. She said she wanted to be with me. She's my naughty girl. You'd be driving in a reckless manner too, if you had this waiting for you:

If you're wondering how a body could somehow be too bootylicious, look up.

The spokesman said police found a teddy bear and flowers that the man said were meant for the singer inside his car.

Yes, they were meant for her, and I'd appreciate it if you'd not ruin any more of the romantic surprises I have in store for her. For example, please don't tell anyone I plan on covering her in jelly and shouting "I'm ready for this jelly!!!" before I repeatedly stab her and play around in her blood.

"He didn't threaten her or anything," Dumas said. "It was just his claim that he was going to meet her."

Ummm... uh hehe.. maybe skip that last bit I wrote...

The man reportedly refused to leave his car when ordered and asked police for directions to Detroit before taking off again. He was arrested a few minutes later and charged with reckless driving, speeding, interfering with an officer, failure to obey an officer's signal and failure to obey a stop sign.

I was also charged with being dangerously in love. Beside I had to try. She was waiting for me at the GWB! What am I supposed to do, obey the law? I always just thought stop signs were a like, suggestion.

The man was released on $5,000 bail and taken to a local hospital for observation, Dumas said.

At the hospital I was diagnosed with a number of things: being fancy, being a nasty girl, being too bootylicious, and eczema. Not that any of it matters, I'm a survivor. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to work harder, because damn it I'm a survivor. I'm going to make it. I will survive, keep on surviving.

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