Paul DeSnizarello: B-List Kaiju Agent

For those of you who were busy losing your virginity in High School, "Kaiju" is the Japanese term used when referring to all of the monsters in the seemingly endless Godzilla movie series. Like all movie stars, Kaiju need agents. Paul DeSnizarello is one such agent.
PAUL'S OFFICE IN RECIDA, CA - Top 40 radio plays softly in the background as Mr. DeSnizarello trolls the internet for pornography

P DeS: "...if ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it...hmm hmm hmmm...

whackwhackwhackwhack

[there is a knock at the door]

P DeS: WOAH! Um, hold- hold on there, I'm um...gimme a minute!

Voice: Mr. Snizarello?

P DeS: Hold ON, God dammit! Ok...ok, come in.
Anguirus: Hi Paulie.

P DeS: Angilas!! Baby, boobie, what's shakin?

Anguirus: It's Anguirus.

P DeS: Are you sure?

Anguirus: What the fuck are you-- yes, I'm sure.

P DeS: We should talk about changing that name of yours.

Anguirus: Dude we've been through this well over 30 times already. I'm not changing my name...I'm staying true to my heritage.

P DeS: Your fucked-up-looking-turtle/dog-thingy heritage?

Anguirus:...


Yes.

P DeS: How about somethin classy, like...Angilas.

Anguirus: SNIZ!

P DeS: Ok, ok...jeez. So what's happ'nin captain?

Anguirus: I need work, Paulie. I need to gig, to go out on auditions, to really get a chance to hone all of the nuances to my perfor--

P DeS: Tough market right now, Angie.

Anguirus: You've been saying that since 1987.

P DeS: 'Strue.

Anguirus: What about commercials? I mean, I could do a campaign for Apple! They've gotta be getting rid of that "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" shit soon, right? Maybe a guest spot on "House" or something? Are the Power Rangers still on air?

P DeS: Angie. Baby. Boobie. Bubuluh. Boopie. Bingie. Bangie. Boongie.

Anguirus: What the hell are you doing?

P DeS: (shrugs) I figured if I kept saying words you'd forget why you came here. And look! It worked! I have no clue why you're here!

Anguirus: Well I remember, jackass. I need WORK, Paulie! Look, I was Godz--

P DeS: Godzilla's first enemy waaaay back in 1955 before it was cool to be a Kaiju, yes I know, I know. I've only heard you tell the damned Godzilla Raids Again story about ten thousand times now...

Anguirus: That movie-- nay, film, was a classic, Paulie, AND YOU KNOW IT. Finest in the franchise. And I carried that whole damn project. Carried it right on my back, I did, you and I both know that Gojira-- oh, excuse me, "Godzilla" couldn't act his way out of a fucking PAPER BAG back then and-- Paul what the hell are you laughing at?

P DeS: I's just laughin at picturin you wit somethin on your back on account of you got all dem freaky spikey deformities.

Anguirus: You're a real dickhead sometimes, Paul. I mean, c'mon! You've done some great stuff for some of your other clients. Jet Jaguar has his own late night talk show in Osaka, and you landed Rodan the lead on that HBO series. Where's MY love, Paulie? When's it MY time to shine?

P DeS: Ok, you wanna know the truth? You wanna know the real reason I ain't been sending you out? It's cuz NO ONE IS AXIN FOR YA. Ok??? That make ya feel better?

Anguirus: But WHY? I went to NYU! I have a DEGREE IN ACTING from NYFUCKINGU, did you tell them THAT?

P DeS: You're a DIVA, Angie, ok? That's what it is...

Anguirus: Well I NEVER IN ALL MY--

P DeS: Then, of course...there's the video.

Anguirus: Um...what ever do you mean? I'm not...aware of any...video...

P DeS: This one:

Anguirus: Oh Jesus Christ, that thing's like 15 years old!! We were a little tipsy one night and-- wait, why did you have that video already up on your computer?

P DeS: Um...

Uh...

Research?

Anguirus: Whatever! And what the hell's up with Gojira anyway? I haven't heard from "Mr. Hollywood" in forever now! I thought we were going to start workshopping that buddy comedy we were going to pitch to CBS.

P DeS: Yea...um...about that...

Anguirus: Oh you are FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? RIGHT???? THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOES ONE GODDAMN FILM WITH MATTHEW BRODERICK AND HE THINKS HE'S LEO GODDAMN DE FUCKING CAPRIO!

[Anguirus storms out]

P DeS: Pfft. Actors.

Things You Didn't Know About: Buckaroo Bonzai !

Thanks IMDB!

When it came time to film the end titles sequence, where Buckaroo and pals are walking around a dry L.A. aqueduct in step to the music, the music wasn't ready. Composer 'Michael Boddicker' told the film crew to use "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel as a placeholder because it was the exact same tempo. Those scenes were filmed with "Uptown Girl" blaring from a boom box tied to the back of the camera truck.

Overall concept and several names appear to be taken from the Doc Savage pulp magazines of the 30's and 40's: both main characters are multi-talented surgeons, adventurers, and musicians; and both have an inner circle of sidekicks with nicknames (Renny, Ham, Monk, Long Tom, and Johnny, compared to Reno, New Jersey, Gay Herman, Slimey Tony, No-Dong Steve, Perfect Tommy, and Rawhide).

Jamie Lee Curtis played Buckaroo's mother in a flashback, but this scene was cut. The scene is available on the recent DVD release as an optional prequel to the theatrical version, and as a special feature. Jamie Lee Curtis is visible in a photo on the dashboard of the jet car in the wide-screen version. While on set, Jamie Lee raped and killed 3 men.

The latitude and longitude recited by the technicians during the "alignment" of the Oscillation Overthruster are the coordinates of Cape Canaveral, Florida, which is home to that NASA dealie!

The "oscillation overthruster" device reappeared as a "spectral analyzer" in the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987) episode "Pen Pals" where Jean-Luc Picard befriends a serial murdering Klingon named Unga by way of the Space Jails Pen Pals program. The two fall in love and the episode closes with some seriously graphic sex scenes.

The US DVD release includes a caption portion entitled "Pinky Caruthers' Unknown Facts", which actually adds to the storyline and character development of the film.

The "jet car" shown in the film (reportedly a 1982 Ford F-350 pick-up truck) included an actual Cold War-era General Electric turbo jet engine that was borrowed from Northrop University in Inglewood, California. It was never returned, resulting in the highly publicised Northrop/GE prankwars that ended with 7 dead prostitutes.

The end of the movie invites the viewer to watch for the upcoming film "Buckaroo Banzai vs. The World Crime League". This was the real title for a sequel that Sherwood Studios planned to make if this film had been successful. Unfortunately, it was a box-office bomb, and Sherwood Studios went bankrupt. After its release on video and cable, however, BB became a cult favorite, much in the same way as Mad Max (1979) (which crawled from obscurity to spawn two sequels).

Legal wranglings due to the bankruptcy prevented any other studios from picking up the sequel rights, and even years later MGM had to fight through a pile of red tape simply to get the OK to release it on DVD. Which fucking thank God it finally did, right?

Some of the dialogue used in the Jet Car sequence is taken directly from Mission Control chatter heard during a shuttle launch countdown and some of the dialogue is taken directly from the film Ass Ventura: Smut Detective.

In the original script, Buckaroo was supposed to have an arch enemy named Hanoi Xan, who was never seen but referenced to by Buckaroo and the other characters. All scenes containing dialogue regarding Xan were deleted from the film's theatrical release but are now available on DVD. Xan was supposed to be the mysterious head of a crime syndicate called the World Crime League and also the man who murdered Buckaroo's parents and wife Peggy by way of hiding under their cars and slitting their ankles. Rather than think of a less retarded way to murder people, they just cut the scenes all together.

During the jetcar test, the computer screen that has the graphics shows six different words: SINED, SEELED, DELIVERED, PUNCHED, COCK-CLOCKED, and TOOTHPASTE.

Lord John Whorfin's line, "Character is what you are in the dark," is a quote from the 19th Century evangelist Dwight L. Moody. His other notable line, "Dick'll make you slap somebody" is a from Revelations.

Many names and terms were taken from Thomas Pynchon's book "The Crying of Lot 49", most notably the company name Yoyodyne. To this day, there is a yoyodyne.com, which serves as a fan site for the film. "Yoyodyne" itself was Pynchon's thinly veiled reference to Rocketdyne, a major defense industry contractor and manufacturer of rocket engines, founded just after WW II to reverse-engineer German V-2 rockets -- thereby also making this a further veiled reference to Pynchon's novel ‘Gravity's Rainbow’. References to other notable books: Presence of bricks in one scene a clear reference to The Monster at the End of This Book.

When John Whorfin calls collect for John Bigboote, he tells the operator he is calling "Some fucking cockstain in Grovers Mill." Grovers Mill was a real-life nudist community in New Jersey which was used in Orson Welles' famous radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds" and is now a part of West Windsor Township in Mercer county.

The kanji lettering on Buckaroo Banzai's headband as he drives the jet car reads "seikatsu bei" ("the joy of murdering kittens").

Movies that are Always Watchable

There are certain movies that, regardless of whether or not you own them, you can and will always watch when you see it on television. Originally I was going to make a list, and write a little bit about why each movie is so awesome. The list grew out of control and got so long so fast that I am settling for just straight out listing them, with the occasional blurb.

the empire strikes back
return of the jedi
Jedi I really only tune in for the first half, with the sail barge and that fight scene, so I debated taking it off, but whatever. I left off the first one off because while decent, it doesn't really hold up to constant repeat viewings that empire does.

batman begins
easily the best comic book movie I've seen. Spiderman 1 and 2 and X-Men 1 and 2 could also be lumped in here, but I guess my first thought was batman begins because it's on a shitload and I always watch it.

the princess bride
alright, maybe a little gay, but andre the giant steals every scene he's in and mandy patankin is a genius! I always thought this movie would catapult Carey Elewes to like, super hunk status. I don't know why that never panned out.

galaxy quest
Even David Mamet acknowledged that this movie is perfect. It doesn't try to do to much, but works just right for what it is. And Tony Shaloub is amazing. Also the only thing Tim Allen has ever done right.

i, robot
independence day
men in black
Will Smith being over-the-top ridiculous really works best in these three movies.

boiler room
You could include Wall Street and Glengarry Glen Ross with this one since BR is kind of an ripoff of both. But I feel that boiler room, while far inferior to either one, is way more hilarious and I'm not sure that it's on purpose.

bull durham
It's got everything a movie should have: baseball, sex, and kevin costner.

jurassic park
Jeff Goldblum at his hunkiest, every line he has is gold. One of the best movies ever... hold on to your butts.

major league
This is almost like the anti-bull durham. If you thought bull durham had too much chick-flicky stuff in it, this is the baseball movie for you. Featuring Carlos Delgado as President Pedro Cerrano Palmer


to come later or maybe not:

ghostbusters
pee wee's big adventure
die hard
just friends
groundhog day
indiana jones (any)
back to the future (any)
big trouble in little china
escape from new york
goonies
trading places

Black Jack!

In honor of this mediocre but mildly entertaining book becoming this awful-looking and ridiculous movie.

BlackJack - Flash Game
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Quick Question

HORSESHIT

So I was just thinking.  You know in Ghostbusters, how Louis Tully is a complete cheapskate?  Here, remember this exchange at his party?

Woman at Party: [coming up to Louis during party] Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol?
Louis: [opening cabinet] Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice...
[takes platter back into living room]
Louis: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.
[walks up to a hapless guest, speaking confidentially]
Louis: I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin' a good time, Mark?
[heads across the room, greeting other guests]
Louis: How you doing? Why don't you have some of the brie, it's at room temperature!
[to the Tall Woman]
Louis: You think it's too warm in here for the brie?
Tall Woman at Party: [standing] Louis, I'm going home.
Louis: Aw, don't leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!
Tall Woman at Party: [pauses] Okay!
[Louis and the Tall Woman begin disco dancing. Suddenly the doorbell rings]
Louis: Oh, don't move, I just gotta get the door.
[opens door, greeting guests]
Louis: Ted! Annette! I'm glad you could come, how you doin', give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette's drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.
[throws the guests' coats in the closet, oblivious that they hit the Terror Dog hiding there]
Louis: So they're okay! So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?
[the Terror Dog growls from inside the bedroom]
Louis: [grinning] Okay, who brought the dog?

Ok fine.  Here's what I don't get.  The apartment building he shares with Dana Barrett is on Central Park West, like right around the lincoln center/columbus circle area.  Or maybe up by the Museum of Natural History.  Whatever, the fucking Upper West Side, in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Manhattan.  My question is: How much is Louis paying in rent?  If he didn't stumble into a somehow rent controlled place, he'd have to be paying an arm and a leg for an apartment like his.  Completely unlike him.  I call bullshit.  I used to love Ghostbusters. Now I fucking hate it. 

Movie I was So Surprised I didn't Hate or, Eating My Hat

you're not seeing things, that really is Night at the Museum

I know. You're as shocked as I am. Rightly so, I might add. Ben Stiller, post Something About Mary, has become -and I say this without the slightest hint of hyperbole - the single most annoying person on earth. I hate his brand of stupid physical comedy used in crap like Along Came Polly and Duplex and Meet the Whomevers. I hate him. I even hated when he was on Extras and was funny. It made me resent the rest of the garbage that he makes that much more.

Anyway, I remembed seeing the preview for Night at the Museum and thinking, "That might be the stupidest looking thing in the history of things." I remember reading a little bit about it, because I like to at least learn up on the things I hate, sometimes. Mainly so when I argue about something being terrible, I can bring up valid points and not just look like a complete asshole. I remember when I saw that Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant of The State and later, Reno 911 fame, wrote the movie. I thought "Oh how far we've fallen."

So for a very long time, I ignored this movie, figuring it to be as bad as the previews seemed. Oh Ricky Gervais, why would appear in this awful piece of doody-plop? Owen Wilson? Fuck you. You were good in exactly three movies. Bottle Rocket, Tennenbaums, and Life Aquatic. That's it. Steve Coogan? I don't know who you are except that I thought you were the guy Alfred Molina ate. Robin Williams... 'nuff said.

Surprisingly, many friends who saw this movie said it was not bad. Even my parents liked it(My dad's favorite movie ever is The Big Lebowski, to give you an idea)! I was not to be swayed. Fuck this movie right in the face. Ben Stiller can eat a dick. I would not watch this in a box, with a fox, etc ad hilarium.

So this past Sunday I was home alone for about four hours. Since sports are pretty much non-existent until the NCAA tournament, I flipped channels for what seemed like forever. Just starting up on one of the HBO's however, was .... you guessed it, Night at the Museum. "Why not?", I thought. I was not at all prepared for what was in store.

Robin Williams role was small and well defined and he did it well, Gervais was his typically funny self, Owen Wilson was .. well... I didn't want to kill him. Steve Coogan? Still pretty sure he's Alfred Molina. The script was pretty tight. The movie was too long, and most importantly, Ben Stiller was... passable. It's still annoying to see him in that same "Good and nice but flawed guy who has nothing but terrible, terrible luck" character, but he was a bit more subdued I guess. All in all it was a decently funny movie. Not great, but I didn't want to kill myself and everyone in it, which is still insanely shocking. I'm going to give most of the credit to the guys from the State, just because.

Now, this will not make me stop hating Ben Stiller, or anything Robin Williams does. I just wanted the world to know how entirely, seriously shocked I am that this movie was not the worst thing I've ever seen. That award might just go to this movie.

Coming to terms with your childhood being ruined before your eyes: Comic Book Nerd Edition

A couple of sources have said that Gambit(among others) will be making at least a cameo in the Wolverine spin-off movie coming out in 2009.  Part of me thinks this is awesome, but then I remember the part of me that was excited for the Daredevil movie to come out.  

It's weird to try and come to terms with this stuff...  It was always such a pipe dream when I was a kid.  Real life movies of my heros?  Batman was one thing. I mean, the guy has no super powers.  When the movie came out in '89, it made sense.  No serious special effects needed, no major letdown.  Can you imagine if Wolverine's claws had been like, glued on and there was stop motion to make them retract and shit?  Or if Spider-man had been made before the technology....oh.

Anyway, X-Men and Spider-Man were always my two favorite comic books growing up, so I take exception to both franchises making two exceptional movies and then a third movie that sucked harder than .  Anyway, the Wolverine spin-off could be excellent.  I'm sure it won't be though... I'm hoping for death and lots of blood and Omega Red and all kinds of awesome back story too stupid for me to get into at this point, in case anyone still has any respect for me.

So the point I'm driving at is that, even though these movies are all being made now, they aren't really being made for me, or my age group.  This is why they're going after PG-13 ratings, and this is why I have resigned myself to seriously lowered expectations.  

Do I still let myself get worked up into an orgasmic frenzy over certain things?  Of course, I backslide and revert and can't help myself.  The Dark Knight looks good enough to fuck the celluloid.  Iron Man looks full of potential, The Incredible Hulk is starring Ed Norton, whom I would personally do, so, well... there's that...  Anyway.  

Gambit was always one of my favorite X-Men, that accent, that attitude, the way he treated women, it was all great!  But, to be honest, I don't remember much about him other than that he had an accent, had an attitude, and treated objects like women, man.

So part of me is resigned to the fact that these movies are not for me, as much as I want them to be.  

The other part of me, however, is filled with murderous rage because they ruined Rogue, Angel (unless they work in Apocalypse, and also go back in time and uncast Ben Foster), they killed off three insanely pivotal characters... I could go on... and that's just on a franchise I liked!  I could spend at least ten hours ranting about Spider-Man 3 and how awful it was (I won't).  Daredevil I only saw the one time, and that was like, a hundred times too many.  I've never even made it all the way through the Ang Lee Hulk movie.  I liked Superman Returns probably more than I should have.  

It all boils down to this: I think there is a reason grown-ups don't like comic books.  And as soon as I  figure out that reason, I will apply it to my life, and stop weeping like a little bitch every time one of these movies comes out and stabs my childhood in the dick.

It's in Italian, but it was the only clip I could find:

Captain America... I remember losing my shit when this came out.

Movie Phases: Troma

When I was younger, I used to go through phases - in terms of types of movies I enjoyed watching. There was a decent period of crappy old horror movies like Sleep Away Camp, and there was also a period where the only thing I watched was The Sound of Music.

The period I'd like to talk about right now, however, is the time when I wanted to see every movie the Troma team put out. I remember it pretty well - I would go to my friend Steve's house down the street and we would find as many of these movies as possible, watch one or two, then smoke pot and play Mario Kart for Nintendo 64.

There are three I remember best, and these were easily my favorite: Tromeo and Juliet, Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, and Cannibal the Musical.

Cannibal the Musical might be best known because it was Trey Parker and Matt Stone's (of South Park Fame) first movie. It's stupid and hilarious, and all the songs are great and the Indians are played by Japanese people.


Also, the story is essentially about Alfred Packer trying to find his lost horse, Leanne. If you watch the movie with the commentary, you will be rewarded. It consists of the cast sitting around and getting completely hammered, and Trey admitting it was kind of about him losing a girl, and that some of the nastier lines were directed right at her. Nice.

Tromeo and Juliet I remember for few other reasons. There is a scene in which you see a girl get her nipple pierced, and it is every bit as disturbing as it sounds, and also - the leading lady is played by Jane Jensen. I thought she was the bee knee's, and part of the reason to watch it was because both my friend and I loved her album, Comic Book Whore(She's into comic books and refers to herself as a whore? I'm in love!). To answer all your questions at once: Yes, she does have a naked lesbian love scene in the movie, yes she turns into a pig, and yes there is a penis monster in the movie. There is also a surprise twist ending you have to see to believe! Anyway, here's the trailer. I was going to put a clip on here but there all too stupid and/or long for me to watch and figure out if it's worth it at the moment.


Last and certainly not least (but kind of), is Seargant Kabukiman, NYPD. This movie is the story of undercover cop Harry Griswold, trying his best to be a good cop while also being cursed with an ancient Japanese curse that turns him into - you guessed it! - a kabukiman. To be perfectly honest, I don't really remember this one all that well, as I haven't seen it in about a decade - but watching the trailer makes me want to go find it in a dollar bin somewhere and watch the shit out of it!



"I was depressed, I was confused and I was turning Japanese. "