Friday, October 24, 2008

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa!

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Shopmas! Soon I'll be coming to a Super Market near you to spread Shopmas Cheer! Hopefully I won't have any more "incidents".

It wasn't unusual that the burglary suspect caught in northern England wasn't wearing a mask.

Oh Ho Ho Ho! I was not robbing the fine folks of Pemberton! I'm naked Super Market Santa! I was coming to deliver gifts my naked little elves spent all year making. Naked Transformers, Naked Garbage Pail Kids, Naked My Buddy and the lot.

But in this case he wasn't wearing anything at all. Greater Manchester police say they found the naked man trapped in the chimney of a supermarket in the town of Pemberton around 5:30 a.m. Wednesday.

Yes well what can I say? Children leaving out all those cookies and all that full-fat milk. Santa's needs a whole lot of full-fatt-y milka to wash down those EL Fudges. I sometimes save them and offer them to my elves upon my return as a sort of fucked up joke. They never appreciate it, oh well. Now where was I? Ho Ho Ho! So yes I got stuck in that tiny Pemberton chimney, I'm afraid it doesn't seem to have been designed with the portly in mind.

Police have no idea how the man got into the chimney, but they speculate that some of his clothes may have come off while he struggled to extricate himself.

Ho Ho Ho! I'm afraid my naked reindeer fled the scene. They do hate the sound of sirens so very much. And no speculation is needed about my clothes! All you need to do is ask! Then you may sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Shopmas, as I gently caress the underside of your legs and buttocks with my writhing Shopmas-snake. Then you shall the beauty of this sacred Holiday!

The fire service was called in to free the 22-year-old, who was taken to hospital as a precaution.

22 year old? Ho Ho Ho! You flatter me with your words, but we all know I, Father Naked Shopmas, am far, far older.

The man, not yet identified by police, was later arrested and jailed.

Yes I'm afraid I do not have any identification as such, though I do have a map of the North Pole tattooed on my scrotum! You can't arrest me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa! Boys and girls! Don't let them take me away or your naked build-a-bears and naked Diego the Animal Rescuers shall be homeless! Ho Ho Ho!

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