Monday, October 27, 2008

You Can't Arrest Me! I Was Just An Inebriated Urolagnian!

Look. A lot of nasty things are being said about me right now. Accusations about things done to piss off friends.

A 36-year-old man took revenge on his roommate after she refused to have sex with him by allegedly urinating on her dog, police said.

No. No no no no. Well. Yes. But not like that. Yes I tried to have sex with my roommate. And yes I urinated on her dog. But it wasn't like I was pissed -heh- at her. I was upset. I got hammered, ended up fucking the dog. What can I say, I was an inebriated urolagnian! You can't arrest me for that shit! Wait. What? Fuck. Whatever. You think I meant to do that shit? How many times have you been at the bar, blind drunk, and taken home some dog? I just went the literal route with that shit bro!

Police said the man was arrested early Thursday morning on tentative charges of criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct related to domestic violence.

Phew. Thank God the dog can't talk and tell them about the other stuff we did. Not bad, by the way. I know you were wondering.

According to police reports, the man was drunk when he argued with the woman. After she resisted his advances the man went to the basement where he urinated on her dog and the floor.

Wrong! We argued then when she rejected me I went and got shitty. Super shitty. Hence the thing with the dog. And yes we got some on the floor. It's not like I've got super aim and the dog has like fucking super-absorbent fur that puts bounty to shame or something. Haven't I been punished enough? This is how my morning went:

Oh shit. Man I am hungOVER. Let me tell you right now, I don't even know what went on last night. Man that girl was good, whoever she was. heh. Fuck Melanie. Or rather who cares that I didn't fuck Melanie. Or whatever. Christ I need some alka seltzer. Let's get a look at this broad.

[turns over in bed to peer at partner]

Oh. Fuck. Shit. What do I do? I don't have and dog food! Hey Miffy. You up for it again?

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