Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Welcome to Hell...Pizza. Can I Take Your Order?

Oh hi there. Did something happen last night? I was watching Boiler Room on repeat all night and didn't get a chance to ...what's that?... election you say? Well unless you voted yes on proposition pick up your skirt, grab your balls and make some money, I don't care. It's time for some fucking Hell Pizza.

A New Zealand pizza chain has withdrawn an advertisement showing the corpses of actor Heath Ledger, Britain's Queen Mother and Mount Everest conqueror Sir Edmund Hillary dancing on a grave.

[frantically searches internet for ad] DAMNIT. If this ever shows up online I will shit a cow. This sounds like it's easily the greatest piece of advertising ever. David Ogilvy is probably lol-ing in his grave right now, this is so awesome.

The animated Halloween promotion advertisement on the Hell Pizza website shows the three decomposing celebrities emerging from graves and dancing to Michael Jackson's song Thriller.

Oh man. I will literally suck the cock of the man who finds this ad online somewhere. And by 'I', I mean Berbalerbs(hope you like teeth, mystery man!).

TPF Group retail operations manager Glenn Corbett said the company, which owns the Hell Pizza chain, was withdrawing the advertisement but had not meant to offend the Hillary family.
"Clearly he's revered in New Zealand and we all love him," he said. "The idea of Sir Ed being there was intended to be a light-hearted remembrance."

"You see, by having his corpse do the thriller on a grave to sell our pizza, we thought his family would find it hilarious! What's the matter, they don't get jokes?" When you go to Hell Pizza's website, they give you two options, go straight to hell, or sell your soul. Here is the text accompanying the sell your soul bit:

Your soul doesn't do much. You can't feel it. You can't see it. It sucks at making coffee, and when you're buggered after a hard day, it'll never have dinner on the table. So give it to us. Then you can begin your descent into HELL. The deeper you go, the more retribution you'll receive for your measly soul. The retribution could be anything from free morsels of food to exclusive access to random stuff. That all depends on how good you are at being bad. And if you make it right into the darkest depths of HELL, then you'll receive free pizza for life. So sell your soul to us.

I'd like to make it known that I would gladly sell my soul for pizza, and I don't even like pizza. I don't know why they're getting flak when this is pretty clearly the most amazing pizza place on earth. And as it turns out, they're no strangers to controversy. Cuz' ya need a little. Controversy. Cuz' it feels so empty without me.

Last year, complaints forced it to withdraw billboards showing Adolf Hitler clutching a slice of pizza in a Nazi salute.

I don't see the problem with Adolf Hitler trying to convince people that Hell Pizza is delicious. Because if you can't trust Hitler with your dinner decisions, who can you trust?

Haha. No pizza for you. Unless they actually mean Hell hell. Like, there should be something worse than hell for W. In which case, weird. Because like, you're a pizza place, dude. Easy on the politics. On this day.

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