Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Can't Stand To Think About You With Another Man, Hacked To Bits On the Side of the Road? That Works.

In my ever-growing efforts to write the longest post title in the history of earth, I bring you this little story. A story of a man in love. A man so in love that when his love left him he cut the shit out of her with a machete. A man so in love that he hacked her to bits with a machete and then cut his own dick off and then bled to death... wait what?

A man in Abia State who murdered his ex-lover and thereafter severed his own manhood explained before he died that he killed the woman and inflicted mortal wounds on himself because he couldn’t live with the thought of his woman having a romance with another man. He was also said to have told security operatives that he cut off his own male organ to prevent him from sleeping with any other woman.

There's an almost romantic and like, honorable feeling that rises when reading this. I guess the emphasis here should remain on almost. Like, holy shit he must have loved her something fierce. Of course on the other hand he would prefer to murder her with a machete and see her mutilated body on a roadside rather than see her with another man. So it's maybe a little skewed, in terms of his moral compass.

Goddy , a farmer residing in Onuiyagh Community in Bende Local Government Area of Abia State was said to have, in a fit of jealousy, murdered Agnes, his two-year live-in-lover after allegedly seeing her with her new lover. He was said to have subsequently cut off his own manhood and placed it on the lover’s corpse.

Imagine being the guy who stumbles upon this, "Umm hello, 911 (or Abian equivalent)? I found a dead body. It's a woman. But umm.... there's also a dick. Not not like a shemale. Like there's just a dick. Like on her head. No not like a circus sideshow thing. Like someone cut their dick off and left it on her head... Yes I'll hold." Also I love how they say he "placed it on the lover's corpse." It makes it sound like it was this quiet, gentle little ceremony or something. I guess anything to remove the image of a guy bleeding from the hole where his cock used to reside.

"Now, you cannot have sex and I cannot have sex. We were meant for each other and you decided to leave me I cannot afford to see you have sex with another man and I don’t want to have sex with another woman," the man reportedly told the lifeless Agnes. After hacking the woman to death on a farm road, Goddy was said to have rushed to Bende Police Station to report himself. He was said to have bled to death shortly after showing up at the station.

This is my favorite part of this story. So he went to the police station, bleeding profusely from the cock-hole, and ... they didn't do anything? Like had he lost too much blood at this point already or did he just have to sit around the police station too long for anyone to be of any help or what? Wouldn't one's first reaction be to get the man bleeding from nubbin some medical attention? And also - who talks to a corpse? Cray-zeee!

Eyewitnesses told Daily Sun that Goddy had been living with Agnes for some years before disagreement set in between the two love birds. Goddy had on the fateful day waylaid Agnes on the farm road and dealt several matchet blows on her which led to her instant death. [sic?!?!]

I'm not sure how several 'matchet' blows can lead to instant death, but whatever - I just like that they're referred to as love birds here. Anyway, end of story and all that right? Can't really get weirder. Right?

According to Chimezie, Goddy was keeping another woman simply called Mrs Ojiegbe , who he had earlier allegedly snatched from her husband from a neigbouring community. Said Chimezie: "At first, the three lovebirds were living together, having sex together and the two women were receiving favours from Goddy without complaints. Suddenly, there was a downturn in the fortunes of Goddy who could no longer satisfy the two women. This led to regular quarrels between the two women as who should have upper hand in bed and material gifts from their lover. However, Mrs. Ojiegbe who appeared stronger and bigger was always beating up Agnes who as a result, decided to go out instead of being beaten by Ojiegbe everyday.

... I ... but... The thing is... So to recap: Man has two ladies. One of whom he has stolen from some other guy. Happiness. New broad starts beating up old broad. Old Broad leaves. Man kills old broad. Man cuts off own penis. Man reports this all to police station, bleeds to death. Ok... I can't imagine this man's estate has been doing anything else besides fielding phone calls about obtaining the movie rights to their story. I can see it be animated. Maybe Pixar?

"The development did not go down well with Goddy who was already used to sleeping with the two women every night. He begged her to come back and she refused. He threatened her and she remained undaunted. He then promised to teach her a lesson she would never forget." Meanwhile, Mrs. Ojiegbe is said to be on the run for fear of being arrested by the police.Two years ago, a young man named Chinedu who lived in Bende Road in Umuahia reportedly also chopped off his own manhood after his involvement in a failed money making rituals. His alleged defence then was that a voice had told him to sever his organ as it was leading him into temptation.

How brutally murdering her a lesson she'll never forget? Like after she's dead she'll come home and apologize? And even if the zombie Mrs. comes home and asks forgiveness, You're dickless and she probably stinks something awful.

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