Tuesday, November 18, 2008


So a gentleman in Kentucky, by the name of Chad Toy (what an awesome name), escaped from prison. Scott-free. Totally made it out. Then he went back.

"When I rang the bell at the jail and told them who I was, they were surprised," Toy told The Paducah Sun newspaper. "I guess they haven't seen that before."

Well yea, because generally people who escape from jail do so in order to avoid...being in jail.

Toy, 21, was in a western Kentucky jail awaiting trial on charges stemming from a July home invasion. He's also serving a four-year sentence for theft.

Hmmm... yea, freedom sounds way worse than 4 years in prison. You had your ticket out. Come on!

Officials said he escaped early Monday while on a cleanup detail in the lobby. He bolted after a guard unlocked the front doors to clean an area.

So...how does this happen? What kind of shitty-ass prison is it where a guy can bolt like that and make a clean get away? Note to self: if you ever feel inclined to commit a felony, do it in Paducah. I wonder if this prison holds honor marathons, too. Like in Arrested Development... I couldn't find a clip of the particular scene, so here's the whole awesome episode.
Cut to the 17:40 mark to get to the point that originally made me laugh about this article. Because pretty much everything I read or see relates, in my mind, back to something funny in this show or Boiler Room or the Simpsons.

But Toy returned that afternoon, wet and covered with grime. He told authorities his sister had persuaded him to surrender because his family feared for his safety.

They wait until the next fucking paragraph to even speculate why he was wet and covered with grime. Turns out he was maybe hanging out by a river. Could your sister who convinced you to turn yourself back in have let you pop by to use the shower? And how exactly were they fearing for his safety? Isn't the worst case scenario being caught and going back to prison? Finding the one arm man who killed your wife? Where you at Desmondo?

Jailer Bill Adams said he doubts Toy's account. He thinks the escapee spent his brief liberty hiding beside the Tennessee River.
Adams said it was the first time in his 14 years as a deputy and jailer that he's seen an escaped convict willingly return.

I'm not too sure I understand this entirely. What was Toy's account, exactly? That he went out, got somehow otherwise grimy and wet, spoke to his sister who then convinced him that their concerns for him outweighed not being in jail? Does Toy deny being by the river? Damnit don't tell us this guy doubts Toy's account if you're not going to provide us with his motherfucking account you fudge eating nickel picker!

"It was a spur of the moment decision. I saw an open door and just ran through it," Toy told the newspaper. "I am sorry about what I did. If I had it to do over again, I would have never run out the door."

Well obviously he's going to say this. He's back in jail. A more honest answer would be "I totally fucked up. I was fucking free. I just happen to know I don't possess the wits or cunning to avoid recapture, so I turned myself back in. So please do not call me mint jelly, because it's back to rape city for me." What I want to know is if he faces more charges for escaping, or if since it was just for the morning it's kind of like a mulligan or whatever.

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