Wednesday, November 19, 2008

On the Plus Side: When He Gets Back to School I'm Sure No One Will Make Fun of Him

A lot of people keep matches by their toilets. This is done to help alleviate the stench of a freshly evacuated bowel movement. Others sometimes keep air fresheners in its various forms somewhere nearby for the same reason. Note however, it is a bad idea to first spray heavily flammable air freshener and then light a match. Or a lighter even. Just ask Dennis Bueller.

A German schoolboy was blown out of his toilet and through a window when the lavatory exploded into a fireball after he sparked a lighter just moments after spraying the room with air freshener.

Jesus. I don't even have a joke for this. But man, what a shitty way to get blown up. Oops! ha! See what I did there? But seriously, through a fucking window? How much air freshener must this kid have sprayed? Like an entire can?

The toilet turned into an orange fireball when Dennis Bueller, 13, began playing with a lighter after he sprayed the downstairs WC in his home.

This leads me to wonder a few things: What the hell is a lighter doing in the bathroom? Did he at least wash his hands before he started fiddling with all this stuff? He couldn't have waited 5 seconds until he left the "WC" before he started playing with a lighter? Is he Ferris's German cousin? Will we be seeing "Dennis Buellers freier Tag, wo er eine Toilette sprengt"?

'I sprayed the toilet because it smelled,' said Dennis.

An important bit of info to note here. He wasn't just spraying air freshener for the fuck of it, in case you were wondering. Turns out he was trying to alleviate a post BM odor. Glad we finally cleared that up.

' Then I began fiddling with a lighter my dad left in there and suddenly there was this big orange whoosh! of flame. I woke up outside with my clothes burned off me and smelling like a barbecue.'

He then added, "Except at this particular barbecue, they were grilling people, turds, and potpourri."

The tin of Purple Rose air freshener stated that it was not to be used near naked flame but Dennis admitted he hadn’t read the instructions.

To be fair, I'm sure most people don't read the instructions before spraying air freshener. But then again, to be unfair (I guess?), most people don't create an open flame after spraying an enclosed space with flammable gas from an aerosol can.

The boy from Recklinghausen was rushed to hospital but later transferred to a specialist burns unit. He has suffered burns over his face, arms, legs and upper body and will need months of treatment.

Jesus H. Cristobal, that's fucking nuts. Seriously, months of treatment, and when he gets back to school he's going to get fucking torn apart. I mean, maybe not, but if his friends are anywhere near the level of asshole me and my friends are, they will be merciless. If I missed 4 months of school because I took a shit then blew myself up in the bathroom, I would never fucking hear the end of it. Likewise, if one of my friends came back after missing four months for the same reason, I would ensure that he never heard the end of it. Do you think being in bathrooms will give him nightmares? Will the smell of air freshener cause him to twitch uncomfortably? Do you think anyone could ever pay him enough to try and light a fart on fire? Oh and Godspeed on your recovery and all that.

His father Artur Bueller said; 'Poor Dennis. When the doctors have to change his bandages he has to be knocked out, the pain is so great.

Poooooooooor Dennis. I mean, yea. I get it. That sucks. But still, I mean, come on! It's kind of his own fault, no? You sleep in the bed you make and all that?

'He said the downstairs loo smelled but I think he realises he was a bit dim in playing with a lighter.'

Yes. The kid who now has to be knocked out just to have his bandages changed now realizes maybe blowing himself up in the bathroom was a bad idea. Lesson learned. The system works!

No comments:

Post a Comment