Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Somebody Hit This B*tch - VIDEO UPDATE


I'm not a proponent of domestic violence. Far from it. I came from an abusive family (well...I may have come from an abusive family...I was adopted at birth, so it exists in the realm of reality that my bio-parents would've beaten my skull in if given the chance). I know the gravity of the subject well enough to know that it's not a laughing matter.

...that being said, somebody REALLY needs to hit this bitch in the mouth 'til she learns better.
An Oregon woman who is out $400,000 after falling for a well-known Internet scam says she wasn't a sucker or an easy mark.
At first, one might want to give this woman the benefit of the doubt. The internet has created an environment where con-artists are equipt with all new technologies and strategies to prey on the less web-savvy. Then you learn that she fell for one of those "letters from the Nigerian Ambassador" spam emails you always get and immediately your thoughts return to one thing:

Somebody REALLY needs to hit this bitch.
Janella Spears of Sweet Home says she simply became curious when she received an e-mail promising her $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Spears with a little money up front.
OM-FUCKING-G, I have a long lost relative who somehow got my email and now wants to give me 20 million dollars for absolutely no reason! Hot dog, first I find a quarter in the driveway and now this! I'm markin' this day down on the calendar!
Spears told KATU-TV about the scammers' ability to identify her relative by name was persuasive.
Yes, the scammers ability to identify her long lost relative whose name she didn't know was uncanny! How they could know that your last name is Spears after acquiring only your email, was GENIUS! If you've taken the time to read these emails, you understand why this bitch is literally giving me a hate-boner with her idiocy. For those who haven't read one of these "brilliant" email scams, let me give you the first sentence of one of the actual examples I found online:
This is a proposal in context but actually an appeal soliciting for your unreserved assistance in consummating an urgent transaction requiring maximum confidence.
This is what they sound like. THE ENTIRE WAY THROUGH. So, you receive an email from a stranger using English PhD-level vocabulary while at the same time displaying the writing skills of a 7 year old asking you for money and promising to give you tens of millions of dollars for absolutely no reason, and because you see the name "Spears" appear in the email your response is
"That's what got me to believe it," She said. "So, why wouldn't you send over $100?"
Why wouldn't you? Well if the "you" in question had a brain, had heard about the internet prior to this morning, had any sense of intuition or "gut" or whatever--any fucking sense of it at all then "you" might not send $100 off into the night hoping that it comes back forty-fold.
Spears, who is a nursing administrator and CPR teacher, said she mortgaged the house and took a lien out on the family car, and ran through her husband's retirement account.
This from the individual who wanted to assure the faithful that she was not a "sucker" or an "easy mark." And she's right. She isn't. A "sucker" might've lost $300 or so sending checks out into the night. An "easy mark" may have plucked a little from the savings account to play into a get-rich-quick scheme. This bitch sent $400,000-- THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE to a total stranger. She's a retard. And not like "oh, stop being such a retard" retard either. This woman should be required to wear a helmet.
"The retirement [her poor, poor husband] was dreaming of — cruising and going around and seeing America — is pretty much gone for him right now," she said.
Could this dude even get in trouble for hitting her? I think he should be able to print out this article and present it to the cops when they show up. I think the cops should then present him with a lollipop and tell him to keep up the good work.
She estimates it will take two years to clear the debt that accumulated in the more than two years she spent sending money to con artists.
Two items:
A) No the fuck it won't take 2 years to get rid of a $400,000 tab. I have a considerably lower amount that I owe for college, and I'll be paying it off for roughly 347 more years.

B) She did this for two god damned years. Somebody REALLY needs to hit this bitch.
Her family and bank officials told her it was all a scam, she said, and begged her to stop, but she persisted because she became obsessed with getting paid.
That's right. It's not even like she hid it from people. Her family and BANK FUCKING OFFICIALS were begging her to stop. It's like,

SomebodyHitMe: Hiyo there! Come ta take out anudder loan, there!

BankDude: Mrs. Spears, I really don't think you should take out any--

SomebodyHitMe: Stop before ya start there, Charlie. I'm goin' ta be a milly-own-air, and then you'll see!

BankDude: Mrs. Spears, I'm literally GUARANTEEING you this is not real. I WORK at a bank. I'm sort of an authority on the subject. Does your husband know you're doing this?

SomebodyHitMe: Oh sure! Sorta. No. Not really.

BankDude: Does your husband hit you, Mrs. Spears?

SomebodyHitMe: Oh heavens no!

BankDude: He should consider it. Let him know I said that.

SomebodyHitMe: Will do!
Spears first sent $100 through an untraceable wire service as directed by the scammers.
Hey Janella, I heard if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer!

**Janella puts hand up to face**

**Berbalerbs punches Janella's hand into her face**
The scammers sent Spears official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and the United Nations.
Hey Janella, I just got off the phone with the King of Europe! He wants you to give me your car and promise your daughter to me on her 18th birthday! Better do it, you know how the King of Europe gets...
President Bush and FBI Director Robert Mueller were also involved, the e-mails said, and needed her help.
That's right, lower-middle class nursing administrator from small-town Oregon! The fucking President of the United States and the Director of the FBI desperately need YOUR help! The trillions of dollars and endless resources they have access to just aren't enough! We need YOU to send, like a couple hundred bucks every few weeks. HURRY MRS. SPEARS! THE PRESIDENT NEEEEEDS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
"The hope is [other people] are not going to fall as hard as I fell," Spears said.
I wouldn't worry much, Mrs. Spears. Most of us can outwit a corpse, which is about as smart as you need to be not to send a spam email half a mil.

Now...somebody go hit that bitch. She really needs it. Like, REALLY.
UPDATE: Now with video!!!