Thursday, November 20, 2008

Ghetto STUPID-star is More Like It! Huh? HUH?????

But you see, the difference in real life is...Welp, I guess there isn't.

He shot a man twice and felt so good about it, police said, a rapper wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim by name.
Will the consequence for indicting one's self via club banger be:
1) Grammy Award for "Best Admission of a Felony by Artist or Group"
2) 3 Album deal with Def Jam Records and a date with Rhianna's slightly fatter younger sister
3) 20 years in jail
4) Q&A with recording legend Berberock

Tick...tick...tick...Times Up!
A judge sentenced 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright Monday to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim mentioned the hip hop confession to police.

So, ok, being a rapper myself (stop laughing) I'm going to try and explain (seriously, I am, stop laughing) this type of behavior from a hip hop artist (seriously, now I'm getting offended. I rap. Really. No, fucking really!!! I hate you.). A big part of a rapper's appeal is his "swagger," which is based on a number of factors. Some of these factors include the amount of money one has, the amount of attractive members of the opposite sex one has copulated with, the level of hardship one had to endure while growing up, and one's "realness" as dictated by one's actions. (Here's a helpful supplement to this equation, an academic look at the art of "battle rapping.")

So, to recap:

Money ($) + Women (P) + "Realness" (R) = Swagger

Swagger = Hip Hop Artist's Appeal

Good? Good.

The problem is, most rappers when they first begin "spittin hot fi-ya" or "eatin sucka MCs fo' a late night snack," they don't have very much money, and invariably this means they aren't fraternizing with the highest quality of sexual partners.

The only thing left is "realness."

Take, for example, the fact that I used to sell drugs. That's right, I used to sling dope. Sounds pretty cool right? It is pretty cool until you learn that I was selling ganj with some people I went to school with to our friends. I was in as much danger as one would be going to the movies to see "Role Model" or something. THE FACT REMAINS, HOWEVER that I was a drug dealer. Making me more "real." Point: me.

NOW, if you are "real" enough to actually shoot someone, then hell-yesiree Bob you're going to want to rap about it. Now, you miiiiiight want to consider leaving out some details, as shooting someone miiiiiiight be a teensie bit illegal, and naming the person who you shot while not at all trying to hid your own identity miiiiight land you 20 years of being some dude named Big Ed's bitch.

Blue told police he recognized Wright's voice on a CD, rapping "Chad Blue knows how I shoot."

Oh Rico...Rico, Rico, Rico. "Chad Blue knows how I shoot?" You're going to jail for 20 fucking years because of a line in your song (swagger points OFF THE CHART), and the line is "Chad Blue knows how I shoot"? Where's the zest? Where's the pinache, the joi de vive, the other French words I can't say or spell or translate?

"Chad Blue knows how I shoot."


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