Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Do Not Put This on Your Mac and Cheese

So Valvelta, not to be confused with Velveeta, does not go in your macaroni. Nope. It goes in your face. It is a clear liquid treatment that supposedly works very well to fight the affects of aging. Why am I bothering to tell you this? Oh, right. Because it's made from discarded baby foreskins.

That's right Mac. You read that right. Discarded. Baby. Foreskins.

Vavelta is a clear liquid derived from baby foreskins, donated by mothers whose babies have just been circumcised. The liquid is injected into adult skin damaged by acne or burns.

Let's stop here for a few moments. Let's just ponder a few things here. Imagine you are the mother of a beautiful baby boy. Moments after the doctors have circumcised your son, you are approached by the Valvelta people. They are asking you, at one of the happiest moments of your life, whether or not you would be willing to donate the removed portion of your new born sons penis, so that an aging person might then inject it into his face to look younger. Is there a dollar amount to make you not shout for security? What is the polite way to handle this situation?

Let's actually back up here for a minute. Let's say you work with a group of scientists with Noxema or whatever. You are at a meeting wherein the head of the department mentions the slumping economy and the need for the next big thing in anti-aging. How is the reaction to someone proposing "baby foreskins" met with anything other than "you're fired" or "I'm calling the police"? At what point does someone say "Hey, that could work! Let's find some expectant women!" How did we reach this point as a society?

Ok, fine. Let's let them have all of that. Let's say you work for the marketing department of GloboChem Pharmaceuticals or whatever. They're trying to come up with a name for this new miracle product. Was there a person in this meeting that said, "What's the name of that fake cheese? The one you put on macaroni and all that?" "Velveeta?" "Yea, let's name it something that sounds like that. It's funny. Fake cheese, dick cheese. Get it?" "..."

I don't even know how to handle this. It is literally boggling my mind. Literally shaking it up and trying to make words out of all the letters splayed about. Literally.

I'm going to jump around here a bit because I can't fucking handle doing it paragraph by batshit paragraph...

"It is all about using neonatal tissue rather than fetal tissue," [Eric "sick fuck"]Siegel says. "You are still talking about using human tissue, which means some groups will be upset about it."
Noting that Intercytex is in talks now with the FDA about bringing Vavelta here[to the US], a consultant to the company notes that one foreskin makes enough cells for hundreds of thousands of treatments because the cells can be grown in cultures and then frozen.

Your baby's discarded penis skin could help thousands of old people look young again! Who wouldn't sign up for that?

Also, what if you're one of the kids? When you grow up and you find out that your tossed off infant foreskin was used for this... Won't that scar the shit out of someone? This is why people hate science. I hear the jury is still out on it anyway. Science, that is.

The article then goes on to describe other 'controversial' anti-aging methods, all of which present the same question: What fucking lunatic comes up with this shit, then gets people to pay out the ass for it? One example:

Those who aren't squeamish about, well, poop, might take advantage of a one-of-a-kind facial that combines "sanitized" nightingale droppings with natural oils to hydrate the skin. Called the Geisha Facial -- it's been used by Japan’s geishas for centuries -- the treatment is said to break down dead skin cells and draw out any bacteria from the cells more gently than acid peels. Among the celebs said to have tried (and loved) the Geisha Facial is Victoria Beckham.

Posh Spice, giving a whole new meaning to the term: Shit-faced. And I would be willing to bet that having that bird shit smeared on your face is incredibly expensive. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go age naturally. Or bide my time until enough baby foreskins have been harvested to bring down the price of valvelta. After all, it's as important to be thrifty as is it to look good.

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