Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Did you just take the nastiest deuce in history, or did someone die in here? Oh...yikes...

I've had thousands of emails from loyal readers of the Grand Ole 'Maufry, and aside from the usual requests for autographs and girls offering themselves, ahem, "Biblically" to me, I get a lot of questions about my writing process.

Basically, I'll troll around the internet at work looking for interesting stories while eating my breakfast and discreetly rubbing one out beneath my desk. Then, I'll take a look at the title of the article I've landed on, and decide how I'm going to use my creativity to make it funny or unusual, all while rubbing another one out (discreetly) under my desk.

Let's take, for example, the title of this article:

Woman pleads no contest in toilet corpse case

This is what we in the biz call "an article you don't have to do much work on which allows more time for discreetly masturbating at work."

Then I carefully search through the article for the morsels of odd-ass deliciousness so that I may make jest. Let's being our search shall we?
A woman accused of helping her religious leader hide a decaying corpse on her toilet so they could continue collecting her Social Security
Ok...article kinda writing itself so far. So let's see...alright, the dumb bitch doing something dumb for some dumb cult angle has been used before, but hiding a corpse on the toilet??? I guess I was picturing some hacked up body stuffed into a toilet, you know, to hide it (although to be fair I picture hacked up bodies being stuffed into toilets about 65% of my waking hours, so it might've just been coinkydink). But, so the corpse was just sitting there. On the toilet. Decomposing. Is there another bathroom in this house? I mean, if you have to go, do you have to perch the corpse on your lap while you poop? Wouldn't that run the risk of catching corpse-crotch? I think I read that on Mayo Clinic once. Or in Necro-FeelinDat Monthly. Whateva's cleva.

So this bitch gets caught corpse-handed, and then gets thrown in jail, and she's going to be there for years and years, because having a corpse in your house while you collect said corpse's social security has to be worth at least
Tammy Lewis, 36, of Necedah, pleaded no contest to obstructing a police officer and was fined $350
Woah woah woah fuckin woah woah WOAH. Woah now. Woah. Like, dude. Fucking WOAH. Dude? Dude. Bro. Woah. Woah. $350? Three hundred and fifty fucking dollars? And don't give me that, "well it is thirty five thousand pennies" shit either. Yo, I was once given a ticket for drinking in public, and while I was sitting waiting for my turn in court, I heard the judge pass out a $250 fine for biking on the sidewalk. Yea, you read that correctly: for biking on the sidewalk.

So, to recap:
Biking on the sidewalk = BAD.
Hiding a corpse in your bathroom and collecting its social security payments= SLIGHTLY WORSE.
Investigators said Middlesworth [dead bitch and Lewis [somehow not incarcerated bitch] were members of a religious sect [Alan "is that a corpse in your bathroom or are ya just happy to see me"] Bushey led called the Order of the Divine Will.
Ah...it's becoming clearer now. This lady was hoodwinked by a smooth, charming, handsome, charismatic young man who--Nooooooo that's not Alan Bushey, silly. That dude looks like a human booger. There's nothing you can do to convi--Huh. Really? Huh. Ok then...So this woman was hoodwinked by the bad guy in every pedophile episode of Law & Order SVU ever made, and he somehow convinced her...wait, what the fuck did he tell her that would make her hang on to a corpse?
Bushey told Lewis that God would revive Middlesworth, who friends and family said was from Washington state, investigators said.

First, I love when writers do this. "Ok, so I know I have to get in the fact that the old lady's originally from Washington...Ah! I know! I'll couple that fact with the fact that she was expected to rise from the dead. Creates a nice balance, you know?"

So does that make old lady Middlesworth the new Jesus? Or was she merely supposed to be a Lazarus type situation? Maybe it's different when you're in the middle of it, but I just can't picture myself going along with this.

"Hell no, man! I'm not keeping some old bitch's corpse in my bathroom! Let's just bury her and say she's on vacation!"

No, you see...uh...um, she's...she's going to come back to life!

"Dude...she's decomposing. I don't think she'd even want to come back now."

Um...no. That's not how it works. When she comes back...um...when she comes back she won't be...you know...slimy any more.

"Oh, well that's a horse of a different color, bring her on in!"

Nope. Just don't see that happening.

So let's get back to the sentencing of the corpse-stasher. "Obstructing Police?" That's what you land on when you find a woman housing a corpse to steal her government cheddah?
As part of Lewis' plea deal, five other charges, including three felony counts of hiding a corpse and causing mental harm to a child, will be dismissed

Yup. Causing mental harm to a child. There were kids in the house. With the corpse. That was decomposing. Now, I don't know about you, but when I was a youngster, the middle-of-the-night walk to the bathroom was a frightening and perilous journey. Walking through the house alone, in the dark, at night, in silence. Hearing a bump, thinking a monster was right around the corner. Waiting. The only relief would be finally getting to the bathroom so that you could escape the darkness and flip on the light andAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OH GOD HOLY SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOMMYTHERESAMONSTERINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH vomit, scream, cry, vomit, cry, vomit, cry, scream, vomit, vomit, scratch eyes out, vomitAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"What is it sweety? Did you have a widdle nightmare?"


"Oh hush up, silly, that's just Miss Middlesworth. You remember Miss Middlesworth, don't you?"

"Yea but she didn't look like


"Now don't be rude, Tommy. Miss Middlesworth is our guest, and we have to treat her real nice before the Lord comes and reanimates her, ok?"


"That's my good boy. Now brush Miss Middleworth's teeth before you go to bed."

Lewis' son told detectives Bushey told him demons were destroying Middlesworth's appearance as she decayed in the bathroom to make it look like she wouldn't rise from the dead, the criminal complaint said.
Again...I get the whole "desperate people turn to religion and will believe anything" thing, but come the fuck ON. No one was like "okay, buddy...now it just sounds like you're making this up off the top of your head...No. No, demons did not make me say that just now. Yes. Yes I'm sure."
Lewis is "very relieved" her case has been resolved, he said.
Yea no shit she's relieved. I'dbe pretty fucking relieved to know that I got away with multiple felonies and only have to pay the equivalent of a parking ticket.
"She has made some really great progress emotionally and even physically."
I went from a size 6 to a size 2, and all it took was a religious zealot ruining my life and emotionally scarring my sons for life! Look at this tummy!

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