Tuesday, November 11, 2008

All Dogs Go to Heaven My Crippled Ugly Cancer-Ridden A$$!

Hello, everybody. I'm Gus, the World's Ugliest Dog.

No, really.

I won a fucking contest. And I'm not winking at you. I have one eye. The other was slashed out of its socket by...well, we'll get to that.

You're probably not aware of this, but I'm dead. Apparently Blogspot has a pretty good deal scratched out with the afterlife.

I'm writing to you folks for 2 reasons: first I'd like to cordially invite all of you to stop whining and bitching about how bad your lives are because, frankly, you don't KNOW misery. Second, there's a widespread misconception I'd like to clear up.

First things first: Fuck you with a tire iron, you whiny brittle little bitches, you.

Your life is fine. You disagree? Question: do you look like this?What's that you say? No? You have the appropriate number of limbs and eyes, you say? You don't look like a late-term abortion, you say? Well then clam the fuck up. Your life's a fuckin' petunia party then.

Read this. It's the intro to my obituary.
A one-eyed, three-legged dog that won the title of world's ugliest pooch this summer has died...Gus, a Chinese crested dog, had cancer. Gus was rescued from a bad home and went on to win the annual World's Ugliest Dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in northern California.
Went on to win the World's Ugliest Dog contest? As in, I went from such lowly beginnings to...being ridiculed by the world for being the ugliest member of my entire species? Like, that's an accomplishment? That's like saying "this young man started out as an orphan, but overcame adversity to die of a meth overdose at age 19." Ain't exactly "write home to mom" material.
Gus came from humble origins.
Well NO FUCKING SHIT, Mr. Genius VonDouchebag.
His adopted family in Gulfport, Fla., rescued him after learning he was being kept in a crate inside someone's garage.
So, yea. My first owner treated me as well as he treated his fucking Converse High-Tops from his college days. A fucking crate. In his fucking garage. FUCK. So but ok, you're saying, you got rescued, didn't you? Yes, yes I did. I was rescued by a woman who promptly ensured that my "legacy" on this mortal coil would be as the ugliest dog in the whole entire God damned world. Upgrade?
The only kiss I ever received. It was magical until she started simultaneously puking and crying and screaming "Get it away! GET IT AWAY!" Still, I consider it the happiest moment of my life.
He had one leg amputated because of a skin tumor and lost an eye in a cat fight.
I lost. My fucking eye. In a fight. With. A. Mother. Fucking. CAT. Do you understand the implications of that? CAN you understand?!? That's tantamount to a 7 foot tall 350 lbs. member of the KKK getting his eye gouged out by the winner of the annual "Gayest Black Man in the World under 5 Feet Tall" contest. In my defense, this was the cat that took my eye.
Go 'head tough-ass. It's just a kitty cat right? Yea, that's what I thought. Bitch.
Gus' owner had said the prize money from the contest would be put toward the dog's radiation treatment.
"YEA ANYBODY WANT TO TAKE A GUESS WHETHER THAT HAPPENED," asks the dog who died from cancer while his owner bought a 3G iPhone?!?

Those things are cool, though.

Oh yes. Now on to my second point: there's a common misconception that's been propogated by the media regarding canines. I'd like to clear that up for you now, if I may...No. The fuck. They don't. Let's just say it's a good thing Apple made a brimstone-proof PowerBooks for a certain group of us bloggers. The truth is, I'm here because I'm ugly. That's right, GOD HATES UGLY. He banishes creatures, HIS OWN CREATIONS, to eternal suffering because HE MADE THEM UGLY. He made them ugly, so that they would have a friggin MISERABLE-ASS life, and THEN, when this shit festival of an existance comes to an end, BOOM! It manages to get WORSE.

So, in closing: I'm here, IN HELL, after a life of mistreatment, humiliation, and dismemberment, BECAUSE I'M UGLY.

...although I suppose it could've been that 19 year old girl I raped and killed in Key West back in '99. But I'm pretty sure it's cuz I'm ugly.

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