Look, this next item may sound a little weird, but let me ask you this first. Who here hasn't been hanging curtains, naked, and slipped and fell on a vegetable of some sort? Let he who is without weird fetish cast the first potato.
A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
He's a man of God, why would he lie? Is it even possible for them to lie? I'd guess no. Also, attended hospital? What is hospital? Is it like Home-Ec? For people in a country called England, you sure don't make good English much with your writes.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
Like I said, who doesn't do things like hang curtains in the nude? And where is he supposed to keep his potatoes if not on places where his ass might wind up? Away from places where his ass might wind up? What are you, Mexican? And what kind of sex game involves Butt Potatoes? Butt Potato? One potato two potato three potato butt.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
MmmHmm... please do go on...
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.
Seriously though, I was putting on the deodorant, slipped on a cucumber sliver, fell on the Russian doll and through a series of unfortunate bounces I wound up in the garden with said objects in my posterior. Please let's just drop it already.
Then blah blah blah they talk to a nurse and:
A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: "Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.
"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."
Very discreetly, she said to the person working for a fucking newspaper.