Good, Because We Were All Wondering

We can all breathe a heavy sigh of relief today. Gigi is going to be just fine.

Last week, zookeepers reported that Gigi was having digestive problems. She was treated, but did not respond as well as the veterinary staff would have liked. The anesthesia was required so a more thorough examination, including a colonoscopy, could be done.

The 'during' photo

“We did not find anything abnormal. While the colonoscopy looked normal, we did take several biopsies. We expect to have the test results back within one to two weeks,” said Dr. Hayley Weston Murphy, Zoo New England Director of Veterinary Services.

So rest easy everyone. The gorilla you didn't even know was having GI problems is doing much better. I don't really have much to add here, I just couldn't believe a gorilla in a zoo getting a colonoscopy was fucking news.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Ground-Dwelling Herbivore!

You can't arrest me! I'm a ground-dwelling herbivore!

A man who went to buy cigarettes in a gorilla suit to win a bet with his girlfriend is now being accused of receiving stolen property. Altoona police said they noticed a 20-year-old man walking down the city's Sixth Avenue just after midnight on Wednesday dressed as an ape.

Whoa whoa whoa... back that shit up mon frair. I am not a man in a gorilla suit. I am a gorilla. I used to roam the forests of Africa until I was brought over to America to be put in a zoo. I escaped, and have had to fend for myself ever since that fateful day 12 some odd years ago.

[masturbates, throws semen on you]

Since I've been on the lam, I've had to try my best to be a model citizen and yes, I've taken up smoking. People used to make me and my friends smoke at the zoo for their amusement, and now I'm the asshole for getting hooked? Look, I've been a stand-up character since I took up residency in Altoona. I even got a job in insurance. Here's me at the office!

[defecates, throws turds at you]

So you see, you can't arrest me. receiving stolen property? I don't even know from stolen property! Most I ever stole was a banana.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go rock the fuck out. PEACE.