Thursday, December 18, 2008

Jane! Stop this Crazy Thing... Or Don't... I Could Just Hop Off...

So up in Buffalo NY, an inventor has come up with a brilliant way to cease expensive stops at local stations for non-stop express trains. The stroke of genius? Letting people off without stopping the train!

IF RAILROADS generally adopt a plan suggested by Rupert Wales, a Buffalo, N. Y. inventor, passengers on non-stop express trains will be able to get off and on at small wayside stations while the train rushes past at top speed. This feat will be accomplished by the use of a mono-rail transfer car, according to Mr. Wales.

I can't really see any downside to this... people in general are smart and capable enough as to where this shouldn't be a problem of any sort. Honestly though, you really might as well just slow the thing down a tad and let people jump off. If I may relay an anecdote here - I used to have to take the train to high school. I lived too far from it to get a bus, so the good Ol' LIRR took me to school every day. The trains on our line were old diesel trains. I mean very old. And often very crowded. This meant a lot of mornings spent sitting between cars. Now here's the thing about these old trains. Often, the doors were not exactly in proper working order. In retrospect, I have no clue how these fucking trains were legal. Anyway, there was an occasion where the door happened to be wide open, and a friend of mine and I were between cars. The train was pulling into the station, and this friend decided it would be funny to try and safely jump from the (fairly slow) moving train. This resulted in him tumbling several feet, knocking over several commuters waiting to get on to the train, multiple wounds, and endless hilarity. In light of this proposition from Mr. Wales, I would be willing to wager this exit strategy is infinitely less dangerous than the one he has proposed.

this little girl is dead now. are you happy, rupert?

Could you imagine an old woman trying to move from one (insanely fast) moving train onto another? I can, and it fucking rules. Picture it. Yea, there you go, you insensitive fuck, that poor old lady! Stop thinking about that shit, asshole! Anyway, how would this even work, Rupert.

This car is an electrically driven coach running on a mono-rail alongside the track on which the express train runs. The passengers board the transfer car, which accelerates rapidly as the train approaches until the speeds of the two are equal. The monorail car is then automatically clasped to the side of the Pullman, passengers get on and disembark from the train, and when all is in readiness the transfer car disengages itself from the train and slows down, returning to the station under its own power.

Yup, foolproof. Imagine a family of 5, with a mother holding two small children trying to move from one train to another, at 75 mph, while one of the older kids is throwing some kind of shit fit and generally being a doucheface. You don't think, aside from all of the accidents waiting to happen, there isn't going to be some temptation on a frustrated parent's part, to just give the little fuckstick a little shove? "Oh my god what happened?! He just fell! Now I only have these other two children I could barely provide for to begin with! How will I ever recover from this oh thank you so much, Shortline, for these millions and millions of dollars I'm to receive in compensation!"

Come on. You'd do it. You shitty person you. Who are you trying to kid?

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