Wednesday, December 3, 2008

If You're Going to Get Robbed In Uganda, You Might As Well Get Laid First

If you're anything like me, you've spent plenty of time on the continent of Africa, having sex with strange women. And so if you're anything like me, you've woken up several times in landlocked countries in Africa, completely naked, wondering where all your possessions are. Well guess what, chump. You got knocked the fuck out. Wondering how? Well, let's just say that motorboat you were on was filled with poisoned fish. Hmm... That might be the stupidest and most poorly executed attempt at a chloroformed ta-tas metaphor ever written. Let's just say that motorboat was booby trapped? Whatever. You got knocked the fuck out by some tit-tays!

Uganda’s police warned men of a ‘booby trap’ after a probe found that a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.

Yea, so maybe I stole the 'booby trapped' thing from the article. Sue me [please don't sue me]. Anyway, isn't this rather bond-esque? It seems incredibly elaborate for a simple robbery. Couldn't they just club the guy and drag him somewhere and steal his shit?

Police officers have discovered victims of the attacks naked with all their possessions stolen by the gang, who use the women to lure their prey and rob them when they fall unconscious after intimate activity.

See what I mean? These ladies must be aching for it. Why else would they go through all that trouble. I'm also not exactly sure how this works. Do they at least get laid before all there shit gets stolen? If the lady's cans are soaked in chloroform, how does she not knock herself out? Isn't she breathing that shit in the whole time?

Fred Enanga, a spokesman for the country''s Criminal Investigations Directorate, has warned all men, and particularly travelling businessmen who tend to carry more cash than locals.

Man, that must suck. But who the hell is doing business in Uganda anyway? "I was in Uganda for the big multi-media conference and got that old tinglin' in my balls. You won't believe what happened next!" Could you imagine some happily married guy getting caught screwing around because he was robbed by the chloroform knocker gang? I mean, yea. You're obviously a shitty guy if you're cheating with whores in Uganda, but still. "Honey, can you wire me some money? I was robbed." "Oh no! Are you alright?! What happened?!" "..."

"They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state.
"You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him. And the victim doesn''t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing," he added.

They apply the chemical to their chest...then what? Then what!? Give us the juicy details! I want all my news articles related to boobies to read like erotica god damnit!

Enanga added that the police had first came across the practice last year, when they apprehended a thief called Juliana Mukasa, whom he described as "a very dangerous lady."

A very dangerous lady, with two even more dangerous accomplices.

I'd like to end this article by pointing out that whenever stories like this pop up, I wonder if I'm the only one who always imagines these women to be incredibly attractive. I mean, I guess it's just easier for the mind to picture women who are using their breasts as weapons as hot, even though in fact most prostitutes are anything but.

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