Monday, December 15, 2008

Dr. Pemulis's 100% Natural Good Time Family Subway Solution: The Imaginary Hero

It's been a while since our last installment of my good time family subway solution, but this really stuck in my craw this morning. I'm sure we've all been in subways that resemble this before:

Naturally, this is unpleasant for all parties involved. However, most considerate and decent people try their best to make sure that you are not obnoxiously bumping into someone or doing anything particularly annoying, so as to make the ride as tolerable as possible for everyone on the train. Not so this morning. A fairly crowded train in this morning (it takes me 3 - sometimes 4 - trains to get to the office). So there's a woman a couple of feet from me, and the train is a bit shaky, as trains tend to get. Now, she is swaying a bit, and her purse continually knocks into me. I'm sure you've all been there. It's not a huge deal, not the end of the world to be sure, but it is fucking. annoying. I have nowhere to move to, and she could very easily take half a step forward and avoid hitting me with her goddamn bag every with every downbeat the subway takes. Begin transmission from brain:

Say something bitch. I bet you think it's my fucking fault that your purse keeps hitting me. Fucking say something you stupid cow. Say something and I will fucking throw you in the gap and make sure your stupid whore face gets run over. Bet it would be an improvement. Fuck you and your stupid ugly purse. Bet you have like a thousand dildos in there you ugly would be slut. Move you fuck! Take half a goddamn step that way so your purse stops fucking hitting me. I know you can fucking feel it, just fucking move. Why are you hell bent on having me destroy you with my mind. MURDERMURDERMURDERMURDER. Come on bitch, say something so that I can explain politely how it's your fault and then end the sentence by politely suggesting you fuck yourself on a railroad spike while the rest of the subway car cheers me on like the hero that I am. Standing up for the imprisoned everywhere. We won't take your shit anymore!!!

Her(hitting me again): Excuse me.

Me: Oh, sorry (steps awkwardly to left).

Brain: Bitch. Lucky she didn't say anything. Just sayin' excuse me. Man, fuck you. Lucky you didn't try and start some shit, because man did we have some shit to say.

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