Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Off With Your Head, Egg Toucher!

I remember growing up there was a book in my bathroom about weird laws in the US. I think the title or cover was about donkeys in bathtubs. As a matter of fact, here we go. I remember thinking I was so cool for knowing that you couldn't eat garlic then go into a theater in bumblefuck, wherever. Trying to memorize as many as possible, so as to be able to recite them and seem precocious and funny to company. Luckily, I've forgotten most of that crap. Anyway, you are probably asking yourself what - if anything - this has to do with anything. Don't question my motives, jerkface! I always.have.a.plan. Sure, that plan generally involves peanut butter and unsuspecting neighborhood dogs, but it's a plan nonetheless. That last sentence helps seamlessly segue into my point, apparently England has some weird laws too!

touch these and die, motherfuck!

Britons are forbidden from disturbing packs of eggs and from selling game killed on a Sunday, it was revealed Thursday by an opposition MP who condemned ministers for introducing ridiculous laws.

If there's any time more properly spent than introducing ridiculous laws, it's taking the time to point out these laws in the hopes of getting these stupid and unenforceable laws removed from the books.

The day after Prime Minister Gordon Brown's government laid out its legislative agenda for the coming year, Liberal Democrat lawmaker Chris Huhne noted the stream of sometimes "completely bizarre" new offences it had created.

Well, fine. Some of the things they put in there are stupid. So what? You might be asking yourself. Well, lay it on us, Huhney, what's the rumpus?

Since the Labour party took power in 1997 under then prime minister Tony Blair, it has created 3,600 new criminal offences, Huhne said -- adding this was "massively complicating" the job of police and the criminal justice system.

Yea, it's going to make it extra tough for the bobbies. What do I do if I see someone disturbing a package of eggs? Do I arrest them or do I consider that my time my be better spent elsewhere doing other things that might be slightly more important!? I mean if anything this just provides the coppers more reasons to get to use their night sticks, a measure I'm highly in favor of.

"Some of these offences are completely bizarre -- for example, the offence of causing a nuclear explosion," he told members of parliament (MPs).

What? That actually sounds like a very reasonable thing to arrest someone for... it actually sounds like an incredibly egregious offense, if anything. Please, elaborate in a way that makes little to no sense.

"The idea that anyone might cause a nuclear explosion without killing anybody, and therefore being subject to a possible charge of murder, is extremely far-fetched."

So... the offense brought up is setting off a nuclear explosion but... not killing people? This last sentence makes zero fucking sense and if you think you understand it and can explain it to someone with an IQ well into the 70's, please drop me a line.

Other new offences include "wilfully pretending to be a barrister" [ed: wikipedia says this is some kind of lawyer. I stopped reading like 4 sentences in because who fucking cares], "disturbing a pack of eggs when instructed not to by an authorised officer" and "offering for sale a game bird killed on a Sunday or Christmas day", he said.

As opposed to unwillingly pretending to be a 'barrister', but seriously, isn't impersonating a lawyer actually a pretty serious kind of offense? I don't get half the shit they're talking about. It's like they're half actually ridiculous, and half actual crimes. Make up your mind about what you want considered ridiculous! We can't play Monopoly on the 4 Tuesday of a leap year! And also we can't murder our offspring! Stop these crazy laws!

Huhne accused the government of doing nothing to repeal these laws. Justice minister Jack Straw asked for a full list of the ones the MP wanted removed from the statute books so that he could review them.

Other crimes that are part of the 3,600 that were not mentioned in the article:

No longer are you allowed to take a train and eat it, piece by piece, after you just derailed it with your penis. Even if it's for charity.

Gang rape has been outlawed.

All calculators must remove the number 9. Fuck that number.

If you do disturb a package of eggs, the only way to avoid conviction is to fertilize all of the eggs. If any of the eggs are not fertilized, you will lose a toe.

Those who steal from business establishments will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

All bananas purchased from your local grocer's must have the letter Q lazer etched into the peel.

If you shave your grandmother's head on a day that falls on a prime number, you will be shot in the back of the head, executioner style, by a Chinese man.

If you talk about Fight Club, nothing will really happen. Those first two rules they mention are just scare tactic bullshit. Talk about it all you want, fatshit!

It is considered murder, not abortion, if the fetus is no longer in the womb and is over the age of 6.

The National animal of England will no longer be the Lion, but instead be a spicy taco.

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