Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Letters to Santa

So as Christmas time approaches, there are various charities that do things like take children's letters to Santa and respond to them, or buy them the presents they're asking for, etc. Well it turns out a good buddy of mine works at the post office. So he was kind enough to steal several letters to Santa, and we here at the Gallimaufry decided to answer these letters, just in time to spread some holiday cheer. Without further ado, here are some letters to Santa, and our responses to them.

Dear Santa,

I am writing this letter from prison. Paducah Penal Institute has recently instituted a pen pal program in which we are required to write letters to people and try and start up some semblance of a relationship with a person on the outside. The corrections officers recommended someone we love. A family member, a friend, whomever. Having murdered all of these people with several pounds of C4 at last years Yom Kippur atonementganza, I have decided to write my letter to you. I hope this letter finds you well, and if you do happen to decide to swing by this jail cell on Christmas morning, well I'd certainly appreciate some jenkem under my toilet.


Saul Costelman.

Dear Saul,

I gather from your letter that you are a Jew. Now, far be it from me or any of my elves to stick it to minorities (how many Santas are there? I'm like the ultimate minority!), but you already have 8 days of gifts, which I'm sure where you are come in the form of beatings and forced sodomy. Perhaps Saul, should you ever take a trip to Damascus, then we can talk. Until then, Shalom!

Kris Kristoferson Kringle.

Dear Santa,

My name is Bernie Kimbel. I am 8 years old. I want The Dark Knight and Iron Man on Blu Ray. I also want a PS3 so I can watch the blu ray dvds and I also want the dark knight and iron man toys so I can play with them while I watch the movies. I also want you to take my little sister and put her in a tree in the middle of the ocean so I don't have to see her stupid face any more. She smells and likes stupid barbies and dora toys. Please don't give her these toys so I can laugh in her face with Batman and Iron Man.

From Bernie Kimbel.

Dear Bernie,

No hi how you doing? Straight to business with you huh. First off, isn't 8 too young to be watching the Dark Knight? What the fuck is wrong with your parents? I want you to wrap your fist up as a present to mom and dad, and when they open it, punch them directly in the face and say that that's from Santa, for raising such a little rotter of a son. Why don't you try not being a complete shitstain to your sister? How about this, I give your sister a bunch of Barbies and Dora toys, and then I have my reindeer shit in a box and give that to you? God I hate kids.

Santacrest out.

Dear Santa,

My name is Herman Starksaddle (But you knew that didn't you!). I know you see me when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake, but I hope this year you have heeded my warning last year that you take your eyes off me for the entire hour of 9pm to 10pm while Heroes is on. I know last year you felt it your duty to not give me the gift of being out of my parents house, and that's fine. 35 is the new 20. I would have appreciated at least a gift certificate to the electrolysis place though. Having massive amounts of back hair coupled with all of the acne on my back has made it a bit tough with the ladies, if you know what I mean (sometimes Hayden Panettiere is not enough! nomnomnom!). Anywho, this year, in addition to the lightsabers and Indy 4 Blu Ray, I would really appreciate some ointment for these rashes. I can't go out in public like this! The insides of my rectum are on FIRE! Nothing merry about anything coming down this chimney, I can tell you that much. Anyway, hopefully you'll come earlier than you did last year (I waited and waited but I ate the cookies and drank the milk). Anxiously awaiting your return!


/lights letter on fire


Dear Santa,

I am a 9 year old girl in Texas and all I want for Christmas is to have my uncle stop molesting me.

/tugs collar awkwardly

/forwards letter to police

/after careful consideration, refuses to touch with a 10 foot pole.

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