Monday, December 8, 2008

Given: The 2009 American Cancer Society Dogswalk Against Cancer Will Be the Most Important Event in the History of Planet Earth

***In honor of the Dogswalk, and to avoid this article being COMPLETELY Godless and disrespectful, I shall substitute all forms of the "F word" with the word "bark"***

I think it's pretty clear why I'm writing this article: The 2009 Dogswalk Against Cancer is going to be so uncontrollably kickass amazing that it makes me want to punch you right in the barking face. Yes, you.
Here's a pic from last year's party* and this year promises to be more of the same! Only with dogs! And more strobe lights*! Feel like punching someone in the face yet? Of barking course you do!!!
Afterparty, 2007 Dogswalk*

I really don't mean to overstate this*, but the 2009 Dogswalk will be the single greatest moment we as a collective human race will ever/can ever experience and if you're not going to be there you are genuinely a bad person and hell-bound and probably can't get a date because your breath smells and I bet you still have the original Playstation because you're too dumb to earn enough money to upgrade and no one loves you enough to buy you a new console for your birthday or Chrismas or anything and additionally I bet you're bad at sports. FACT:
There will be contests (Dog Owner Look-A-Like, Best Costume)
Yea. That's right. Dog. Owner. Look-A-Like. As in,But a whole barkin' contest's worth.
Doga (dog yoga) demonstrations
Woah woah woah woah woah straight up wait up hold up, Mr. Lover. "Doga?" "Dog yoga?" Well, let's see what Google has for us here...ok, typing in "doga." Alright, we have a "doga" website that's--

Oh my.

Oh. Oh my.

I just-- it's...oh my.
Bark. Yes. If you haven't punched at least 3 people since you began to read this post, the reason is painfully obvious: you are handless. I'm sorry. That must suck. FACT:
[There will be some barkin' ROCKIN] live music by Blue Jupiter and much, much more!
Ladies and gentlemen, Blue Jupiter:AND much, MUCH more! Not just much more. Much more, and then, after that, much more as addition to the...original more, which could already have been considered "much" before more was added to it..."much" more, in fact, you see.

***Punches, like, 20 people, Rocks out on air guitar***

Ahem. But on a more serious note, the Dogswalk won't just be the most awesome event in the history of history, it will also be the most important. Ever. By far.

Signing of the Declaration of Independence? Somewhat important.

Invention of the Printed Press? Could take it or leave it.

Falling of the Berlin Wall? Psssh. That didn't even happen in America.

Dogswalk 2009? Now we're barkin' talking!


This year alone, over 565,650 people are expected to die from cancer. Still a scientific enigma, cancer affects 3,000 new people each year, and through years and years of research, we only know one thing about cancer.

Dogs cure cancer*. Pure and simple.

The Dogswalk will bring together some 7,245,000,000,000,000,000 canines*, and the enormous dog concentration will bring about a total global eradication of cancer...assumedly. If history has taught us anything, it'll probably look similar to the end of Ghostbusters II.

I'm sorry, what? They don't? Oh. dogs don't cure cancer.
Ten percent of the net proceeds raised at Dogswalk benefit the AMC cancer clinic.
Ohhhhhhhhh. Ok. So the money raised will go to scientists, and they are the ones who figure out the whole cancer cure thing. I still assume it'll closely resemble the conclusion of Ghostbusters II. Wait, what money?
The registration fee will be $50.00 per person.
Ohhhhhhhhh. But wait. Dogs don't have money.
The dog's owner pays the fee, stupid
Ohhhhhhhhh--Heyyyyy! Watch it, quote that's on my blog.
Put on your shoes and lend us a paw in the fight against cancer
I don't get the reference.




In conclusion: Dogs.

The American Cancer Society Dogswalk will take place at Riverside Park at West 108th Street on May 3rd, 2009. Event begins at 9 AM and concludes at 2 PM. $50 registration fee. For more information, visit or shout me a holler...I happen to have an inside hookup to all the action.

* = Not true.

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