Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hey Bobby, Remember a Few Weeks Ago You Asked Me What "Irony" Meant?

From Yahoo News:

US anti-kidnapping expert kidnapped in Mexico

"You see, ladies and gentlemen, the key to avoid being kidnapped is to always stay alert. Take me, for example. I practically sleep with one eye open. I know about things going down ACROSS THE ATLANTIC. I am always (phone rings)-- excuse me for a second, folks.

(Into phone) Y'ello? Delivery? For me? I didn't know anyone knew about my trip to Mexico. Huh. Right outside the building I'm in? Black van? Ok, seems-- heeeey, how do you know what building I'm in? Oh yeah? Google Maps can do that? Alright, I'll be right out. (hangs up)

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll excuse me I just have to run out and grab something from someone in a black van. When we return, I'll tell you about all the horrible stories I've hear about people who get kidnapped. Five minute break!"
A U.S. anti-kidnapping expert was abducted by gunmen in northern Mexico last week, a sign of just how bold this nation's kidnapping gangs have become.
Or a sign of how bad this dude is at his job. Y'know. Just saying.
U.S. security consultant Felix Batista was in Saltillo in Coahuila state to offer advice on how to confront abductions for ransom when he himself was seized, local authorities said.
When asked if they'd re-schedule Batista's talk when/if he was rescued, local authorities said they'd "think about it" while making a dismissive wanking motion, and then asked us not to point out that they were wanking while saying it.
"We have notified the FBI and Mexican authorities, and they are working on the case," [Texas cop]LeBlanc said Monday. "What we are doing is we're offering our support to the family and hoping for the best."
I guess I didn't really have to add in the fact that he's a Texan if you read that second sentence clearly. Just to clarify:

"What we are doing is we're" = "We're"

Y'know. Just to sorta save time. I'm hoping the journalist who wrote this article started to correct LeBlanc's statement to make it sound like he wasn't a total fuckwit, and then decided "ah, fuck him, he's Texan" and left it as is.
A story in the December issue of the trade magazine Security Management describes how Batista organized relatives' response to a kidnapping in Mexico, even cooking the family at times.
Emphasis mine. Complete flabbergastery without any explanation his. I'm going to guess that "cooking the family" is some sort of ransom term that means...gonna go ahead and Google that, gimme one second...

Oh. That makes sense.

Mark Stevenson (author of the piece) did mean cook as in "prepare food."

He just didn't finish his sentence...in this version of the article...Uber fucking weirdly, he's got this same article on Federal News Radio WFED (I haven't the strength nor time to insert a K-FED joke. Why don't you go 'head?) and he's quoted as saying
Batista organized relatives' response to a kidnapping in Mexico, even cooking the family meals at times.
Ohhhhhhhh. So in the article for Yahoo, he just missed a few words at the end of perhaps the most insignificant sentence one can ever hope to write in an article containing words. He was such a good negotiator that he would...occasionally whip up some empanadas while trying to figure out how to get Pablo back? I mean what the fu--
He advised the family during months-long negotiations that eventually reduced the ransom request to about a third of the original amount the kidnappers had demanded.
--dgecake?! Huh? Oh. Oh, well that is pretty good. Can you imagine that?

BadGuy159370: Geev us de monee an' we don' keel dee girrrrrrl (What? They're Mexican. Don't look at me like that!)

GimmeBackMySelf: Leesten-- ahem, listen. We want the girl back. And we want to give you some money for her it's just--

BadGuy159370: Eees jus wat?

GimmeBackMySelf: 30 grand is alot...I mean...have you really given her a good look? Not exactly the next Penelope Cruz, amiright? AMIRIGHT? Imright.

BadGuy159370: Penelope Cruz isn't even Mex--

GimmeBackMySelf: The offer on the table is ten dollars, American.

BadGuy159370: Tain Doh-lars?!?!

GimmeBackMySelf: American, yes.

BadGuy159370: Oh das boolsheet, I keel de girrrrl now!

GimmeBackMySelf: Ok, ok, how about ten...thousand dollars?

BadGuy159370: Wail, da ees a lot bayder dan jur las' oh-fer. I take eet!

Y'know what this all kinda reminds me of? Remember that movie with Denzel Washington and fuckin' Marc Anthony where--
The seizure seems to echo the plot of a 2004 movie, "Man on Fire," in which Denzel Washington played a U.S. security consultant who takes on Mexican kidnappers and is abducted himself.
Way to steal my thunder, COCK. And Denzel isn't exactly "abducted himself" like this Batista guy sounds like he was. Denzel first, you know, killed every goddamned member of some big kidnapping group and then finally after he killed like 40000000000 people by shoving grenades up their asses (if you haven't seen this movie it's pretty kickass) he finally gives himself up in exchange for the kid he was protecting the whole movie, like, 10 minutes before he was going to die anyway. So, y'know, not exactly a mirror image, but whatevs.
Blah blah blah some web site posted some shit blah blah blah or whatever
And then:
The company denied local media reports that Batista was a former FBI agent, and warned those reports could put his life at risk.
So I went ahead and published it everywhere I could. 'Cause I'm Mark fuckin' Stevenson. And ya know what I say? FUCK Texas!

What's that? He's not? Originally from Arizona. Huh.

Oh well, FUCK Arizona too!

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