Monday, December 1, 2008

I'm So Angry I Could F*ck a Dog!

Do you know what a Yorkshire terrier looks like? Well, they look like this:

So, assuming we're all on the same page, you all know what my next question is going to be: How do you not have
sex with one of those?

A 20-year-old Titusville man was sentenced to four years in prison today for sexually assaulting his grandparents' Yorkshire terrier.

Yup. Didn't just have sex with it. Sexually assaulted the fucking thing.

Nicholas Densmore pleaded no contest to one count of animal cruelty in October.

Let's meet ol' Nicky Densmore, shall we?

What the fuck is on his face? Are those tattoo tears? Moles? Who cares? Anyway, let's get to the sexy details, shall we?

On July 30, 2007, Densmore was staying with his grandparents at 4243 Dartmouth Ave. N., St. Petersburg, when his grandmother saw him in a motor home at the back of the residence, according to a police report.

This all sounds fine and well thus far. What's the rumpus granny?

Once he saw her through a window approaching the motor home, she saw him pick up her Yorkshire terrier, Dutches, by the scuff of the neck and flee, the report states. The dog was found whimpering in a trash bin, the report states.

Yikes. Caught fucking a dog by your grandmother. Talk about embarrassing! Ah, whimpering in a trash been. Man have I been there. Anywho, this doesn't really prove anything does it? Couldn't he have just been taking out some aggression on the dog? Beating it up a little?

DNA analysis of towels found with the dog showed traces of the dog's blood and Densmore's semen, Pinellas-Pasco Assistant State Attorney Patricia Manteiga told Pinellas Circuit Judge Nancy Moate Ley. A veterinary exam showed the anal area of the dog was torn, the report states.

Oh my. I don't even... I... jokes... dog fucking... holy shit... lucky his gran didn't turn him in that one time...



AHHHHHHHHHHH! ok. I think I'm good now. Have we all recovered yet? Anyone need some air? Maybe a cocktail? Or maybe a reminder like this one: See those two pictures up at the top of the post? One's a cute wil' puppy, and the other one is a guy who essentially hate fucked the cute wil' puppy.

The dog has recovered.

But us readers probably never will... Unless... hmm... nope.

The state attorney's office requested a five-year prison sentence, the maximum penalty. Ley said that levying the maximum penalty would preclude ordering Densmore to undergo psychological evaluation upon his release.
The four-year sentence she meted out will precede a year of probation during which Densmore will be psychologically evaluated and treated. He also has been ordered to undergo a 12-week
anger management course.

I picture this course taking place in a classroom, and having to write "I will not hate fuck the dog" like a hundred times, as though he were Bart Simpson. Also, shouldn't he have undergone a psychological evaluation before he was sentenced? It seems fucked up to send him to jail for four years if what he really needs is a dog-less padded room and some meds.

Densmore's family -- including his 76-year-old grandmother Claudette, who told authorities she caught him in the act – told the judge they did not want him to be sentenced to prison. They wanted him to remain at his grandparents' house so they could ensure he takes prescribed medications.

Of course she would be named Claudette. Also, "I need to take my meds, if I don't, I'm liable to get really angry-like and fuck some dogs." So how is he going to jail if they don't want him to? Don't you have to press charges or something? Does the state do it on behalf of the dog? And, don't get me wrong, but doesn't 4 years seem kind of harsh for fucking and throttling a dog?

The judge said that approach had been tried and failed.


Densmore, who has an IQ of 83, is going through the early stages of schizophrenia and has had substance abuse problems, his attorney told the judge.

Let's just say that he's in Gump territory, but for him, life is more like a box of very fuckable dogs or something. So clearly, this man needs jail time, not psychiatric help.

"We're pleased with the sentence," said Connie Brooks, director of operations for SPCA-Tampa Bay, which advised prosecutors on the case. "This is a serious crime, and he needs some serious help."

Which he will most assuredly get in a men's penal colony! The system works!


  1. Pem, this incident is COMPLETELY different than that one time when my Nana walked in on me...1) We were making a MOVIE, it wasn't just dog-fucking for no reason and 2) Scrappy really seemed into it at first and then changed his mind half-way through, and I was NOT going to sit around with Blue Balls for the rest of the day.

    3) You were working the camera so shut up!!!!!!!!

  2. Wasn't complaining so much as just glad Nans didnt report us to the po-po.

  3. Oh. Oh well yes, Nana's a bit of a "bottom bitch" in that sense. (For our pastier readers, that's a compliment)