Thursday, December 18, 2008

And Finally, A Cologne for You Chubby-Chasers Out There

Are you a man who is completely and overwhelmingly attracted to great big fat women? Are you having trouble seducing these rotund Aphrodites? Pheromones not attracting these large babes the way say... the enticing aroma of meat might? Well cheer the fuck up Charlie, because you are in luck this holiday season. To coin what I'm sure will become an immensely popular phrase, flame on!

The way to a man's heart may be through his stomach, but the way to a woman's heart — according to Burger King — may be through a new meat-scented body spray.

Of course, it's a treacherous path to said heart, filled with lipids and blockage from all that flame broiled deliciousness, not to mention all those
cheesy tots. But seriously. Let's all take a step back and drink that in for a minute. A meat-scented body spray. Meditate on that.

While fast-food chains aren't exactly best known for selling signature fragrances, on Sunday The Home of the Whopper rolled out a men's body spray called Flame by BK. The 5-ml bottles are available for sale in Ricky's stores in New York City and on a dedicated Web site,

That's right. Fire meets desire. If someone can explain that to me, I would greatly appreciate it. My question is this - has this been rolled out to garner attention from assholes like me? So that it will be purchased solely as a novelty, joke-type item? Does it really smell like meat? If so, is there a disclaimer about using this body spray in the woods and on camping trips and such?

If you're salivating for a chance to marinate yourself in flame-broiled flavor, relax: The experience can be yours for just $3.99 — a small price to pay for some seriously mouthwatering mojo.

That's right chubby-chasers. This shit is all for you. Because this shit:

Would never fucking happen. ...or would it?

"My assumption when I heard about it was that it would smell like french fries and burgers," said Luis Bejaran, 24, who manages a Ricky's store on Eighth Street in Manhattan. But, he said, that wasn't the case. "It's a combination of Axe body spray, TAG and this YSL cologne I have. It's one of those scents that's not sweet, and light at the same time."

So... it smells nothing like meat? Now I'm just flat-out confused.

While Bejaran said he would be certainly be willing to set his body a-Flame, his female co-workers were not so sure about its meaty merits. "It's not the best choice for a man," offered one.

My guess is that if he's managing a Ricky's, his body is already quite flaming enough as it is, thank you very much. Stupid easy jokes aside, His female coworker is probably not a huge fat pig, which is why she is sooooo not the right person to ask about this. Sell this shit in the south, not NYC, you guys are totally shooting for the wrong demo here.

Still, as of Wednesday afternoon Bejaran says the store had sold at least 10 bottles, and plenty more people had stopped in or called to inquire about it. Many were drawn in by the store's window display, which currently features "the Burger King guy, half-naked," said Bejaran. Only four Ricky's stores were lucky enough to get the "King" special window treatment, however.

See, I would absolutely want one of those window treatments, as they are hilarious:

The cologne itself, however? Not so much. Also, how many fucking Ricky's are there, if only 4 were lucky enough to get the 'royal' window treatment? How many Ricky's do we need, really?

It's true that the reclining, vaguely nauseating Burger "King" does not make for the sexiest spokesperson, but his appeal, like the fragrance itself, may lie in its ridiculousness.

"Yes, the first thing that comes to mind when you think of our cologne should be something vaguely nauseating. That is precisely what we were going for." Though to be fair anyone who would wear the cologne or anyone who would be attracted to someone wearing the cologne, is in all likelihood, at the very very best, vaguely nauseating.

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