Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I Don't Know How Much N700,000 Is, but Please By All Means Take it Back

We here at the Gallimaufry are taking a trip to Nigeria to bring you this little gem of a news item, where it seems the housewives are maybe even a little more desperate.

A housewife, Mrs. Bola Williams, who resides at 11, Olawoyin Street, Palm Avenue, Mushin, Lagos, has been arrested by the police, for allegedly burning the penis of her houseboy, John, an 18-year-old Togolese, in a bid to recover her N700,000 allegedly stolen by the teenager.

There are so many things in this paragraph that I don't understand. Her houseboy? What the hell is a houseboy? What the hell is a Togolese? How much is N700,000? I also like that they print this woman's address, you know, in case you feel like dropping by and giving her what for. Oh, and holy shit. Burnt his dongle? Christ lady, take a chill pill. Yea, I said chill pill.

P.M.News gathered that the victim was tortured for about one week before he escaped, naked. His hands were reportedly tied behind him while fire was place under his scrotum. His buttocks and scrotum bore marks of having been scorched by something hot, probably flames from a fire.

His buttocks and scrotum bore marks of having been scorched by something hot, probably flames from a fire. Ladies and gentlemen, the Nigerian Sherlock Holmes! But all kidding aside, holy fuck must this lady have been bats. What I'm curious about is whether this torture was to find out what he did with her money, or whether it was simply punishment for allegedly taking it. And why didn't anyone help this poor kid?

An eyewitness, who identified himself as Aina, said he heard the houseboy screaming for help, but could not come to his aid because it was not the first time he was being punished by his mistress.

So... he didn't help the screaming kid because... he was a naughty houseboy? Also: Mistress? So were they getting it on? What the hell, Nigeria. Stop confusing me with your words.

“It was later discovered that she had tied the boy and was using fire to burn his private part. When the boy ran out and everyone intervened, she claimed that he stole her money.

You'd think if she'd stripped him naked she'd be able to notice that nowhere on his person were the allegedly stolen N700,000. Though I guess if you're stripping your house boy naked and tying him to a chair and setting his cock'n balls on fire, you're probably past the point of being reasoned with anyway. Also, when they keep referring to him as house boy, am I the only one picturing a really gay pool boy for some reason? Not quite this, but google's image search for "gay pool boy" yielded less than wonderful results(do not google image search gay pool boy).

“Immediately, we called the Police at Zone D, and the woman was arrested. The boy was taken to the hospital.” Commenting on the incident, an occupant of the building, who pleaded anonymity, described Mrs. Williams as a very wicked landlady who has been having a running battle with her tenants.

Really? The woman who lit her house boys nuts on fire has a propensity for being a bitch? That is just so surprising.

Majority of residents who spoke with P.M.News on the issue described Mrs. Williams as wealthy, and an impossible person who fights everyone in the area.

Wealthy is really the operative word here, of course. Who wouldn't want to be some rich broad's houseboy? Even if it meant a week of ball/cock/ass burning, she'll still be your sugar momma, so I guess I'm torn.

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