Marble Hill English Teacher is Confused, Racy

Teacher reassigned over racy essay

I saw this headline and immediately thought, "who's the dumbass that wrote this? Shouldn't it be 'resigned'?" Turns out, I'm the dumbass, because the teacher was reassigned, much like the title suggests.

By most accounts, Greg Van Voorhis, or "Mr. V," is a very popular English teacher at the Bronx School of Law and Finance. Students like Lauren Henriquez say he knows how to relate to them.

"He's a really, really good teacher," she said. "He understands. You can speak to him about anything."

"Even talking about dirty stuff, like masturbating with carrots and shit!"

But school officials say Van Voorhis may have gone too far when he gave his 11th graders a graphic short story about masturbation involving a carrot, among other things.

Whoa hey! Fancy that. A couple of things: this article nowhere mentions the name of the short story, who wrote it, or just how sexy it is. But there's also a video on the site, and it shows that the story this guy chose to share with his eleventh graders was one called "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk. A story that was originally published in Playboy. First and foremost, if the guy should get in trouble for anything, it should be for using a Palahniuk story. Have you ever read anything by him? Holy hell he fucking sucks. All of his main characters speak in that same way that the guy in Fight Club does where he thinks everything he does is super badassed and they're always having sex with ultra hot girls all the time. It's fucking stupid. Anyway, if he should get in trouble, it should be for the following quote from his student:

"I don't feel there was nothing bad about it," Henriquez said. "It was just a story. We read it outside of class, so why can't we read it inside class?"

Guess what honey, trying to save your ENGLISH teacher by saying something like "I don't feel there was nothing bad about it" is a step in the wrong fucking direction. But honestly I kind of agree with like, who cares how racy as long as it's something worth teaching/reading - which I think I've made clear Palahniuk is not, but still. These kids are going to learn about masturbating with carrots somewhere, why not have it be school?

But Louella Hatch, who has a grandson in the tenth grade at the school, isn't laughing.

"If it is true, he can't still be around the school, you know?" she said.

It's funny how in print a quote can seem so different than when you see it. I read this and was like, "aw this woman is concerned for the well-being of her grandson" but watch the video:

Actually watching her say it is more like "holy crap she's old. She probably doesn't even know where she is! Who gives a shit what she thinks about schooling!"

Alec Nightengale is also an English teacher at the school and a personal friend of Van Voorhis. He says his colleague deserves to be back in the classroom.

"I've known him all my life, and I know he had the best of intentions," Nightengale said. "And he only wants what's best for the kids."

"And the carrots."

You Can't Rape Your Wife. Seriously, It's Impossible.

So if you're seeking marriage advice, and also happen to have a penchant for hitting your loved one and also sort of... you know... forcing sex on your wife, you might want to check out Samir Abu Hamza's "Keys To a Successful Marriage"

Coburg's self-styled cleric Samir Abu Hamza said despite Australian rape laws it was impossible for a man to rape his wife even if she refused to have sex with him, the Herald Sun reports.

Impossible. Never mind that rape is generally defined as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. So you see, if you are married, you own this woman. Now, before we go off thinking "Oh wow, what a misogynist asshole this Hamza is!" I say we hear him out.

In a recorded lecture entitled "The Keys to a Successful Marriage", delivered to his male worshippers but now broadcast on the internet and viewed by several thousand people,
Mr Hamza said Islamic law allowed men to hit their wives as a last resort, but they were not to make them bleed or become bruised.

See? You can hit, but not bruise or cut! It's practically inhumane not to hit them! Also, when does one decide when an argument and words have reached the need for a last resort? And how exactly does one hit someone without it leading to bruises or blood? Can't you just hit them where the bruises won't show? And now what about this sex stuff... I mean, whenever he wants? What if she's busy?

"If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond," Mr Hamza told his male followers on the video sermon.

Well... ok, that seems reasonable... I guess? But so like, aren't there still laws to contend with? You know... the rape-y ones?

He then mocked Australia's criminal laws, which required consent for sex to be lawful. "In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn't got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force ... it is known to be as rape," Mr Hamza said. "Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?"

To anyone wondering, yes. Yes he did answer his own question immediately prior to asking it. You'd think if you're going to give a huge lecture to people on marriage and shit, you'd at least do like 5 seconds of research to see what Marriage actually is. Like, people go to jail for hitting their legally purchased dogs. Yet for someone you love and whom is under law your equal. It's ok to rape them and hit them. Someone needs to explain this to me better. And then explain it to PETA, so that I can get these "dog-rape" charges dropped. Anyway, when reached for comment, Hamza said basically, leave me the fuck alone.

"Don't call me, don't bother me and please don't call me ever again," he said.

Now, I often see stupid things and certain (fat) people and think "Well this is why people hate America." It seems it is pretty much that way regardless of what you're talking about - America, Islam, Christians, etc. etc. It's always a stupid few who ruin it for the sane, normal rest of the group. So I know there are probably people who will see this article and think things like "This is why we need to win the war in Iraq." And the thought that people like that exist drives me to edge of suicide pretty much every day.

So here's the video. I'll be honest. I didn't watch it. I got the gist from this article, and plus: thing's like 50 minutes long. Come on!


Back to the article,

Islamic Council of Victoria vice-president Sherene Hassan said Islam did not condone domestic violence. "The Prophet Mohammed stated 'The best of you is he who is kindest to his wife'," Ms Hassan said.

To which I have to say: Well, I mean, dude did say as a last resort... and he did say no bruising... and plus, even if she's busy preparing the bread on the stove, she was totally aching for it anyway, and will probably thank you for it later... If for no other reason than to try and get you to stop hitting her.

Entering With Intent to What?

Not to be all Debby Downer, but before I get to the funny part of this news item, I want to acknowledge that yes, in the fracas, one of these:

Gets taped to one of these:

And then chokes to death. I admit it, it's awful. You win, jerk. And seriously, who tapes a dog to a tree? The same type of person who would break into your house and beat you about the face with a dildo, apparently.

Mackay Magistrates Court was told that Shaun Michael Burke, 38, from Mount Pleasant near Mackay, and a 21-year-old woman broke into a Mackay home at 3am on Monday.

Alright, so far so expected, this is Australia after all. Founded by criminals and etc. ad hilarium. Please continue...

The court was told Burke wore a black leather mask and was armed with a large rubber dildo wrapped in duct tape, which he used to assault the 49-year-old female occupant of the house.

So basically, the gimp broke into a middle aged woman's house and beat her with a dildo. Now I'm sure you are wondering why someone would do this, or perhaps you are wondering: But so then what happened? Well, half of you are in luck.

Burke then allegedly assaulted the woman about the face and head with the dildo leaving her with bruising and small bumps to the face.

So apparently, in case you wanted to know, the guy assaulting this woman was a huge wimp, because he beat her about the face and left her with... bruising and small bumps. I'm sure you've noticed that thus far there's been no mention of robbery or anything like that, even though I've mentioned it a few times now. Please know that at no point does the article even mention it, except to say that they were charged with it.

The mother, together with her 19-year-old son, who witnessed the event, then escaped the home. Burke and his female co-accused then allegedly took the family dog, a Lahsa Apso, to a nearby park where they taped the animal to a tree, causing it to choke to death.

So they beat this lady in front of her kid... then left to... kill their dog? Is it me or does it seem like maybe there's some important info missing in this whole article. Did the 19 year old just kind of sit there? Any particular reason they up and left with the dog? Did they steal anything? What the hell, article?

Police have charged the pair with robbery with violence, wilful killing of an animal and entering a dwelling with intent. Burke was remanded in custody to reappear in Mackay Magistrates Court on Wednesday, while his co-accused was released on bail to appear in the same court on January 29.

So... How did they get caught?! God, I hate articles like this. They tell you everything except what you want to know. Did they go to a 7/11 with dildo and gimp mask still on and get ID'd or something? Did they give themselves up? Did they steal a giant billboard or something else easily visible? And seriously... INTENT TO WHAT?!?!!? The burglary thing is covered, so it can't be that right? The animal killing is covered so it can't be that right? Intent to use a dildo? And back to the main thing that struck me (no pun intended I promise) as odd about this article is: Why use a dildo? Couldn't you have just as easily used a stick from a tree right outside the house or something? Unless you're trying to create a name for yourselves a la the Wet/Sticky Bandits. I don't know. Could work I suppose. What do you think, The Cocky Bandits?

To Be Fair, That's What You Get

If this story were reversed, I'd kind of understand it. But as it stands now, some schmo beat up the best thing that ever happened to him because instead of buying him a remote controlled airplane for Christmas, she bought him a nintendo wii (true story, I once drove behind a guy with the vanity plate "RC BOATER." Yikes.).

A couple accused of assaulting each other over an unappreciated Christmas gift have been ordered to stay away from each other.

Seriously though, how shitty a present must it have been to cause you to assault someone...over a gift! Christ almighty this type of shit drives me bananas, and not in a good way.

Randi Young, 24, and Heath Blom, 26, were arrested on Christmas day. Police said the pair argued after Blom complained about getting a Wii game system from Young instead of the remote controlled airplane he asked for. When Young started to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her by the hair and she turned around and hit him.

Now. Here's how one should react when receiving any sort of nintendo system as a gift:



And here is how you should react whenever you get a remote controlled airplane as a gift:



See the discrepancy? She knew better than to get him the stupid present he asked for, and yet he tried to punish her for getting him a far superior present. This is the type of situation where I'm all for capital punishment.

In court Monday, Young asked that the no-contact order be lifted, saying they just had a bad Christmas. But the judge denied the request.

The judge probably would have been more sympathetic if he had told him he just had a black Christmas. Because holy hell does that seem like the worst thing ever. Anyway, so I guess my question is what is such an obviously awesome girl doing with such a complete shitbag? Couldn't she get away with stabbing him a couple times? "Your honor, he came at me after I gave him a wii instead of a remote controlled airplane." "My dear, I sentence you to... finish the job!" [judge tosses Randi an AK47, she shoots and murders Heath, everyone plays Mario Party]

I'm So Angry I Could F*ck a Dog!

Do you know what a Yorkshire terrier looks like? Well, they look like this:

So, assuming we're all on the same page, you all know what my next question is going to be: How do you not have sex with one of those?

A 20-year-old Titusville man was sentenced to four years in prison today for sexually assaulting his grandparents' Yorkshire terrier.

Yup. Didn't just have sex with it. Sexually assaulted the fucking thing.

Nicholas Densmore pleaded no contest to one count of animal cruelty in October.

Let's meet ol' Nicky Densmore, shall we?

What the fuck is on his face? Are those tattoo tears? Moles? Who cares? Anyway, let's get to the sexy details, shall we?

On July 30, 2007, Densmore was staying with his grandparents at 4243 Dartmouth Ave. N., St. Petersburg, when his grandmother saw him in a motor home at the back of the residence, according to a police report.

This all sounds fine and well thus far. What's the rumpus granny?

Once he saw her through a window approaching the motor home, she saw him pick up her Yorkshire terrier, Dutches, by the scuff of the neck and flee, the report states. The dog was found whimpering in a trash bin, the report states.

Yikes. Caught fucking a dog by your grandmother. Talk about embarrassing! Ah, whimpering in a trash been. Man have I been there. Anywho, this doesn't really prove anything does it? Couldn't he have just been taking out some aggression on the dog? Beating it up a little?

DNA analysis of towels found with the dog showed traces of the dog's blood and Densmore's semen, Pinellas-Pasco Assistant State Attorney Patricia Manteiga told Pinellas Circuit Judge Nancy Moate Ley. A veterinary exam showed the anal area of the dog was torn, the report states.


Oh my. I don't even... I... jokes... dog fucking... holy shit... Berbalerbs...so lucky his gran didn't turn him in that one time...

...

...

AHHHHHHHHHHH! ok. I think I'm good now. Have we all recovered yet? Anyone need some air? Maybe a cocktail? Or maybe a reminder like this one: See those two pictures up at the top of the post? One's a cute wil' puppy, and the other one is a guy who essentially hate fucked the cute wil' puppy.

The dog has recovered.

But us readers probably never will... Unless... hmm... nope.

The state attorney's office requested a five-year prison sentence, the maximum penalty. Ley said that levying the maximum penalty would preclude ordering Densmore to undergo psychological evaluation upon his release.
The four-year sentence she meted out will precede a year of probation during which Densmore will be psychologically evaluated and treated. He also has been ordered to undergo a 12-week anger management course.

I picture this course taking place in a classroom, and having to write "I will not hate fuck the dog" like a hundred times, as though he were Bart Simpson. Also, shouldn't he have undergone a psychological evaluation before he was sentenced? It seems fucked up to send him to jail for four years if what he really needs is a dog-less padded room and some meds.

Densmore's family -- including his 76-year-old grandmother Claudette, who told authorities she caught him in the act – told the judge they did not want him to be sentenced to prison. They wanted him to remain at his grandparents' house so they could ensure he takes prescribed medications.

Of course she would be named Claudette. Also, "I need to take my meds, if I don't, I'm liable to get really angry-like and fuck some dogs." So how is he going to jail if they don't want him to? Don't you have to press charges or something? Does the state do it on behalf of the dog? And, don't get me wrong, but doesn't 4 years seem kind of harsh for fucking and throttling a dog?

The judge said that approach had been tried and failed.

Obviously...

Densmore, who has an IQ of 83, is going through the early stages of schizophrenia and has had substance abuse problems, his attorney told the judge.

Let's just say that he's in Gump territory, but for him, life is more like a box of very fuckable dogs or something. So clearly, this man needs jail time, not psychiatric help.

"We're pleased with the sentence," said Connie Brooks, director of operations for SPCA-Tampa Bay, which advised prosecutors on the case. "This is a serious crime, and he needs some serious help."

Which he will most assuredly get in a men's penal colony! The system works!