Tuesday, July 29, 2008

John McCain Hates Nature, Loves James Bond References

In an attempt to connect with a younger audience, John McCain made a pop culture reference that was less than half a century old...barely.

McCain called Obama the "Dr. No" of energy.

AND he made a video for YouTube!

Well, ok...McCain probably wasn't the one to post it...some young republican slapped it together on iMovie and posted it after listening to McCain ramble about how technology is the devil and using the word "fangled" about 1,325,592,867 times.

Oh my, where to begin...

So, the McCain camp thought it'd be a nifty idea to conduct a viral web-based video campaign, one of the newest forms of disseminating information we have available, based on a character from a film made in 1962 based on a book written in 1958???

What's next, a pop-up ad for McCain that looks like this?

John McCain
He's the Gene Tunney of politics


Get it?


Gene Tunney...

You know, Gene Tunney...like James Joseph "Gene" Tunney, the world boxing champion from 1926 to 1928?


"Gentleman" Gene Tunney?

No? Nothing?

You guys suck.

Moving on...Let's do a segment-by-segment analysis of this little gem of a video...

0:00 - 0:05 Alright...we're establishing who the star of the show is. Also, this begins a fantastic pattern of taking stills of Barack in mid-motion becuase it's the only way to make him look scarier than John McCain's least scary picture ever.

0:07 - 0:11 "Offshore drilling would not lower gas prices today." What a liberal, partisan, one-sided, gay loving, tree fucking statement! Why the only group that could agree with such a ridiculous statement is...our current fucking REPUBLICAN Federal Government.

McCain also insisted the technology exists to quickly bring oil produced offshore to market, even as the federal government has estimated it would take years for new offshore oil exploration to yield results.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA McCain using technology as an argument? Was there some advancement in the ropes and pulleys system of which I'm unaware? It's a bad day when even the Bush Administration won't back your bullshit excuse to rape Mother Nature.

0:12 - 0:19 Ok, I really don't have much smart-assery for this comment (other than the fact that a "gas tax holiday" would be as effective in helping anything as an abusive husband laying off his wife for a week), so I'd like to pause and interject two little nuggets in the MSNBC article I hadn't touched upon yet.

McCain's views could be troublesome in California, which has seen its share of catastrophic offshore oil spills. Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a McCain ally, opposes such drilling and in a television interview indicated he would be open one day to serving as the "energy czar" in an Obama administration.

I know he's probably an insufferable asshole in real life, but I love Ah-nold. In fact, I probably love him because he's more than likely an insufferable asshole in real life. And "energy czar?" I hope they give him a big silly hat to go along with the new post. He WILL be energy czar. He'll simply will it to happen. He's going to overthrow this government one day. I'm 100% serious. Mark it down.

Vhere do you tink you-ah goink vit dat enayrgee?!?!? Cahm back heer you AGHAGGAAHGHAGHG!!!

The second thing isn't really that relevant to my posting, I just thought it was funny as shit so I wanted to share it with you. MSNBC always posts "related articles" to the stories they run (which I really appreciate, because it spares me from actually having to look around and "research" stories) and the two items to go along with this story were "Candidates turn focus back to economy" and this.


Phew. Ok. That felt good. Now, where were we? Ah yes,

0:20 - 0:25 Um...what? No to innovation? Their claim is that Barack Obama is against...innovation in general? As in, no to anything new or improved or advanced on anything in any field? Does Obama own a BetaMax? Next, Obama says no to the Electric Car? I found that kind of weird, so I decided to look for the articles that spoke of Obama's rejection of an electric car. I started in the mainstream news outlets, then moved on to more biased, right-wing sites, and finally to the extremely racist backwoods hicks that have managed to start a blog...all none of them.

No mention of Obama's distaste for Electric Cars. Then I ran into another blogger who sorta already did story, although I have waaaaay more funny photos and links (I'm not putting a link to their article...'cause fuck 'em, that's why). They explained that Barack is against giving $300 million to the first car company who comes up with a "better" electric car battery, which is John McCain's present "plan."

Oh. Well then, yeah, that definitely equals "No to Electric Cars." Dumbshits. ALSO, here we have another odd mid-motion shot of Obama that makes it look like he's peeping in your bathroom window while you're taking a shower.

0:26 - 0:35 No to "Clean, Safe Nuclear Energy," eh? That's like saying Obama says no to safe, trustworthy, socially acceptable child rapists. ALSO, Obama pops up and starts drifting to the right in a pic that makes it look like he's singing opera at a karaoke bar.

0:36 - 0:41 Bring it home with a very un-catchy rehashing of their slogan and a pic that looks like Obama's yelling at the Mets bullpen for fucking up ANOTHER one.

Now it just so happens that I'm, like, BFF with Barack Obama, so I sat down to briefly discuss his feelings regarding the "Dr. No" campaign.

Berbalerbs: Obama!!!

Obama: Oberbalerbs!!!

/Both men laugh, give each other complex series of daps.

Berbalerbs: So how's things, man? I heard you just went to Europe n'shit.

Obama: Yeah, it was whateva. Yo, you seen Dark Knight?!?!? THAT SHIT WAS DA ILLY!!!!!

/more complex dapping

Berbalerbs: Anyway, I came to ask you about John McCain's new "Dr. No" campaign and you're feelings on such negative advertisements so early in the--

Obama: Ayo, FUCK John McCain, aight?!?

Berbalerbs: Woah, man I was just--

Obama: FUCK his old wrinkled ass! Muh'fucka wanna use James Bond shit aginst ME? Bitch I AM James Bond, muuuh'fucka!

Berbalerbs: Obama--

Obama: I'll shake AND stir that lil bitch! "Dr. No," huh? Well den John McCain's OLDFINGER!

Berbalerbs: Hah! Thas pretty funny man, I--

Obama: Dat bitch CasinOLD Royale!!!

Viagranother Day!!!

Live and Let DINOSAUR!!!


Berbalerbs: I don't get that last one.

Obama: Really? I'm referencing Thunderball, it was one of the earlier films. It was one of Sean Connery's finest performances as Bond. It won a BAFTA for Best British Art Direction (Colour).

Berbalerbs: Oh.

Obama: The Spy Who Loved Me (Was Nice Enough to Mash Up my Dinner into a Fine Paste)

Berbalerbs: Ok, man--

Obama: Octogenarianpussy!!!

License to Keel Over and Die!!!

Berbalerbs: OK, MAN!


/Awkward silence.

Obama: Too far?

1 comment:

  1. you forgot Old Job and On Her Majesty's Secret Service (Her Majesty in this instance being Catherine of Aragon)