Thursday, July 31, 2008

From the Makers of Anime Tentacle Rape Comes...


What's that, you say? You're 37 and still haven't had sex? And you've watched, rated, and commented on every single video on (NSFW) and (NSFW)? Thrice?

Well, did you know there's now animated porn, where fantasies that you couldn't-- Oh, you do know about that, huh? Hentai? Oh, wow you know the actual term for it? Ok, well, uh...


Well, I guess there's nothing left for you to do except create a walking set of nards and make it have sex with a boob monster...

Boring Part of Story:

The game [Spore], a joint venture from "Sims" creator Will Wright and Electronic Arts, allows users to create a unique creature, then control its evolution from a single cell into a complex cultural civilization.

Awesome Part of Story:

Buried among the more wholesome attempts were two-legged dancing testicles, a "giant breast monster" and a four-legged, "phallic fornication machine," for starters. These naughty -- some would say obscene -- creations have spawned an Internet meme, nicknamed "Sporn" -- short for "Spore" porn.

Yes, that's a total and complete shock to no one but the assholes that actually created the game, if you give a couple million computer nerds access to a program that lets you create anything you want and make it do anything you like, and THEN allow them to post it to your official YouTube page, this will happen.

Enter the "Spornmaster," a 37-year-old Web developer who refused to give his name for this interview.

No shit, really? Some dude pushing 40 who spends his day making a walking taint creature that spits red-hot smegma wanted to remain annonymous?

"It was a totally ridiculous overreaction." [I imagine him sounding like the Comic Book Store Guy from The Simpsons] "I admit it is silly and juvenile, but I don't think there's anything perverted, vile or awful about it. If people find it offensive, they can simply not search for it online. No one is forcing anyone to see this content."

I mean, as sad as this dude is (read: really fucking sad), he sorta has a point. Honestly, in a "2 Girls 1 Cup" world, is this really the most troubling thing for people to be--

"I consider this very similar to child pornography, at least to the extent of distributing the material to children," 18-year-old Michael James from Calgary, Alberta, told CNN.

Oh come ON. Fuckin' Canadians. And this dude is 18!!! This should be like, the funniest thing on the planet for him!!! Sometimes I worry for the future of this planet.

And in typical nerd form, another "anti-porn" computer geek (which, in my opinion are WAY scarier than the chronic masturbating computer geeks because...seriously what the fuck are these guys doing in front of a computer for 35 hours straight if not whacking off?!?) let CNN know he'd fight the "Sporn" pervs the best way he knew how: for pretend!

"My initial reaction to discovering it in my final game would be to ban it so it wouldn't show up again and then blow it to pieces for the sheer satisfaction of it," Moffit said. "Go ahead, create a walking phallus. See how long it lasts in the databases and galaxies of Spore."

Well, it looks like video games and the inter-web are safe once more.

In a related story, I just spent, like, 45 minutes stomping the corpse of a hooker after killing her AFTER fucking her. GTA rules.


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