Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I Owe This Victory to My Sweet Lord, eh?
Hi everyone. I'm sure most of you are wondering why I called this press conference. I just wanted to let you all know that when Rick Reilly said "It's a lousy night to be an atheist", he could not have been more right on. Now I know a lot you were rooting for Josh Hamilton to win the derby. Most of you after jumping on his bandwagon after his monstrous first round showing. I can understand this. He shares a lot of the same values with you folks. His Christian Lord Jesus Christ took some time out of his busy schedule -usually spent resolving Middle East crisis's and making sure we don't destroy the Earth - to help make some little round balls go farther than everyone elses. Air tight theory. His faith is pretty well documented.
My faith however, has never really been discussed... Heck, there aint even nothin bout it on my wikipedia page. Maybe if I had had the help of some flashy God I would have hit an historic amount of dingers in a round. But no, My sweet Lord just did exactly what needed to be done to win. And that's the point, eh?
But my down home country demeanor, coupled with my faith in my sweet saviour has taught me to be gracious in my defeat. Shoot, I didn't even mind so much when that sweet piece of tail Erin Andrews interviewed Josh immediately following the derby rather than me. I didn't mind so much when the people handing me that over sized check called me "Jason."
For I know, thanks to my sweet lord Satan, that before their time is through, I shall feast on their flesh and devour their souls.
Surprised I'm a Satanist? Don't be. We're gaining popularity all over the world, you self righteous fucks! YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES!!!! We even have our own television network, the Hail Satan Network. See for yourself:
You see? We're not so bad. So I'd just like to say: Thank you Satan. Thank you for letting me beat that righteous fuck. Thank you for not letting beard-y God and Jesus win the day. I cannot wait until my lord down below uses his powers to make his story into a Disney feature film.