Monday, July 28, 2008

Your Father Died in a Terrible Canoe Accident on the North Sea...PSYCHE!!!


When I was a young lad at the tender age of 8, all I wanted for my birthday was the Super Soaker SS300 with hand pump (obvi) triple fucking barrel firing chamber action and a pump volume of 80 mL (that's 2.67 fl.oz. for all you asshole idiots out there who can't do the calculation in your head), not to mention a shot time of 4 seconds with a 190 fucking ML per fucking second fucking output (fucking)!!! One pull of the trigger and that prick across the street's new nickname is Matt "Disfigured Cyclops" O'Malley.

I woke up that morning, and was greeted with what I still refer to as the biggest disappointment of my life. I unwrapped my gift (well, gifts, my parents got me like 30 of them) and it was the Super Soaker SS200. Two measley barrels. 15 ML pump volume. Max output (MAX, people) of 46ML per second. That's basically a replication of what it feels like when a toddler pees on your face (DON'T ask).

My present might as well have been multiple kicks in the skull with a steel toed boot or a Cleavland Steamer from a sumo wrestler the morning after an all-night sake binge.

It's then that I realized: I have the worst, most unloving, uncaring ghastly horrible parents in the entire history of human reproduction and that their callous act would NEVER be trumped ever by anyone even if I lived to see the ripe old age of 25.

I may have spoken too soon...

For those too lazy to click on the link and read a bit of the article I'm going to make smart-ass comments about, lemme sum it up for you: a couple in "Great" Britain thought it'd be a fun idea for the husband to fake his own death in order to collect life insurance, and they didn't tell their two sons about the fact that their father was still alive...FOR SIX FUCKING YEARS.

The couple staged John Darwin's death in an apparent canoe accident in 2002 to collect pension and insurance payments, prosecutors said...the couple kept the fact that he was alive secret from their two adult sons while they planned to start a new life together in Panama.

Yeah, I just SAID that, asshole.

One of my favorite parts of this whole story is that John Darwin is constantly referred to as a "canoeist." Like that's a profession. I checked to see if this is even a real word, and they claim it is, however the definition reads like this:


Ca*noe"ist\, n. A canoeman.

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

I don't think it's fair to use one made up word to define another. What's the definition of "canoeman?" A "canoethusiast?"

So, from what I gather, John Darwin is kinda like Will Smith's character in that movie The Pursuit of Happyness, but instead of engineering hair-brained schemes to better the life of his family, John prefers illegal, heartless ploys to get rich at the expense of anyone and everyone around him. Even his family. Shit, ESPECIALLY his family.

Anne Darwin, who worked as a doctor's receptionist, told the court that her husband made her pick him up at the seafront and drop him at a train station with instructions to go home and open a box where he had left instructions on how to claim the insurance and pension money.

This is fantastic. Not only is he about to shatter his family irreparably, but he chooses to do so in "scavenger hunt" form. Forreals, this is how my parents used to give me my Easter basket. "Ooooh, there's a message on your pillow! What, it says go look behind the couch? Why, I wonder what could be there!"

Well, 5 years pass, and for whatever reason (perhaps he was toking an extra strong strain of Panamanian Bud) John Darwin gets paranoid that someone is going to find out about his devilish ruse...

"Gee," he thought (assumedly), "I wonder how Machiavelli came back from faking his death and got to keep his pension." (Tokes joint) "Ah fuck it, I'll just claim amnesia. That always works!"

The extremely unusual plot started to unravel on Dec. 1, 2007, when John Darwin, 57, walked into a London police station claiming that he was suffering from amnesia and could not remember anything that had happened since 2000.

This is like when you broke a lamp when you were a kid, and to get away with it you would go right up to your mom and for no reason be like, "I wasn't here all afternoon, so if anything happened I don't know about it." You can't wander into a police station after being gone for 5 years and just be like, "hey I have amnesia so I don't know what's been going on for the past 5 you have any missing persons reports, possibly someone reported dead without a body found? By the way, I feel like it's entirely possible that my last name is Darwin and I'm a canoethusiast. But I'm not sure, 'cause, like I said, I have amnesia."

Then this showed up:

Yup. That's a picture of John and Anne Darwin...and some Panamanian. Yup, that's a date you see in the lower right hand corner. Yup, theoretically, John Darwin should look more like a rotting corpse.

Dude's pretty fucking stupid right? Well, what if I told you he was the brains of the operation?

After the amnesia act fell through (mostly due to the fact that he kept cracking jokes that "Meet Dave" made "Norbit" look Oscar-worthy), John Darwin pleaded "asshole" to the charges of fake-dying.

And Anne Darwin, after spending half a decade living a lie and mindfucking the shit out of her sons, quickly followed suit and owned up to her actions.

Ahem...Anne Darwin, after spending half a decade living a lie and mindfucking the shit out of her sons, quickly followed suit and owned up to her actions.

Oh come ON!!!

"Terrible Soulless Demon-Whore," the nifty little monicker I've assigned to Mrs. Darwin, entered a claim of "Marital Coercion."

As in, the judge asked "how do you plea, guilty or not guilty?" to which she replied "marital coercion," to which (assumedly) the judge replied "you fuckin' serious?"

"I felt trapped," she said Friday after describing her husband — who has pleaded guilty to fraud and other charges — as a domineering, philandering and manipulative man who was determined to get what he wanted.

A little bit over-the-top on the description there, sweety. I swear on my life, these two gobshites really think they're in a movie. They fake the husband's death, escape to a tropical island, and then when things get hairy (which, and trust me I've searched, isn't explained ANYWHERE) the husband comes back and tries to shuffle in the door with amnesia to make everything better? And now that the wife's in court she's trying to play him off as Lex Luthor?

Delving deeper into her PAINFUL stupidity, let's rewind back for a second...after John "maritally coerced" Anne to drive him to the train station and he left for Panama, what exactly were his methods of coercion once he was across the fucking Atlantic fucking Ocean completely fucking unable to show himself in public or even ever fucking leave Panama fucking EVER AGAIN?!? (...fucking.)

Asked by prosecutors why she picked him up that day and embarked on a life of crime,


she said she was afraid he would leave her if she didn't do what she was told.

...sorry, what?

You were afraid that if you didn' husband...fake his own death and...leave you...forever that...that he...would...................................leave you?

"If I didn't pick him up I didn't know what would happen," she said. "I was frightened he might walk out on me as I couldn't live on my own."
She also told the court Friday that she did not know it was a crime to falsely report a person's death and then make a life insurance claim.

Wow. I just yelled out loud at work. Like, really loudly. That's how brain-hemorrhagingly stupid this bitch is. I hope nobody heard that. I swear to God, Anne Darwin, if you are the reason I lose this cushy job, I'll find you and punch you in the face until you die from it.

Now back to my "expert analysis" of this vacuous hole of a human being...

"If I didn't pick him up I didn't know what would happen," she said. "I was frightened he might walk out on me as I couldn't live on my own."

TRANSLATION: I could either tell my sons their father was dead and then continue lying to them for six years OR I could get a job. I did what any mother would do.

She also told the court Friday that she did not know it was a crime to falsely report a person's death and then make a life insurance claim.

TRANSLATION: Derp Derp Derp Daaaaaaaaaahhhh a;dlkjjio;ikeo;o;asdijkl;znsda;nkl ::drools on self:: Derp Derp ::poops pants:: Derp.

You didn't know it was a crime didn''t know...


Fuckin' Brits, man.


  1. My canthusiasm for this post is only trumped by my worry that you'll soon be recieving fake death threats from the Canoeist bOARd of Canthusiasts. The can-do's.

  2. also, i think we all know you really wanted the oozinator.