Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Starbucks cutting number of stores down to 2 per intersection.

Hahahahaha Starbucks are everywhere! Ever hear that joke? It's timeless, until they close 600 stores, that is. Who's laughing now? Besides me in that first bit there.

Starbucks Corp. said Tuesday that it had drastically increased the number of stores it plans to close, citing in part continued weakness in the U.S. economy.

The company said it now plans to close 600 company-operated stores in the United States, up from its previous plans to close 100 stores. The company also said it now plans to open fewer than 200 stores in its coming fiscal year.

The Seattle-based gourmet coffee retailer said the company used several criteria in deciding which stores to close, including whether they were profitable or expected to become profitable in the near future. In a statement, it added that “consideration was given to the impact of current and anticipated economic trends.”

I wonder if consideration was given to the fact that a small coffee costs two fucking dollars. Yea, yea I know. Starbucks are everywhere jokes and Starbucks is expensive jokes. Har dee Fucking Har. As a former barista, I'm going to say my piece and you can't stop me, or stop reading... please don't stop reading? Remember, take it from me: I love you :)

I know its easy and awesome and cool to make fun of Starbucks because theyre evil and blah blah blah. Luckily it's been a while since I've been a barista, but I will say this: That was one of the most fun jobs I ever had. I was friends with all the people I worked with, and for the most part the customers were ok. I frequently found myself sharing a beverage or two while closing the store, and I fed myself and roommates for weeks at a time because they have to throw out the unsold sandwiches at the end of every night. Also, it was the type of job where I didn't take it seriously enough to let anything bother me. If a customer was pissed off (a lot of them were), hey thats great, you're fuming over a cup of goddamn coffee you fuckwit. If customers were nice and there often, or remotely attractive, you turn up the charm and become employee of the goddamn year. Every experience with managers I had was pleasant and the company generally treats their employees well.

I still like the coffee there, which may have come from summers where I drank 3 large cups of black iced coffees a day.

Starbucks, known for sometimes going so far as to open stores across the street from one another, has recently acknowledged that it may have lost some of its luster during a long period of rapid store openings and expansion into everything from breakfast sandwiches to movie promotions. The company also has been feeling the pinch from a down economy, which has made $4 coffee drinks less palatable for many Americans.

I remember the time when European tourists would come to my Starbucks and try to order waffles or something like that, and I could laugh in their faces with my coworkers at how preposterous the idea was. I'm glad to have left before they served McMuffins and had to post the caloric value of them, along with all them coffee cakes.

You'd be amazed how many people don't seem to understand that a 600 calorie piece of cake shouldn't really qualify as breakfast. Though it does compliment that venti mocha with extra whipped cream.

Anyway, no fucking shit 4$ drinks are less palatable now. you can't even get a gallon of gas for less than four fucking dollars. I knew things were fucked when I was in Jersey and saw a gas station that said 3.90$/gallon and I thought to myself: Awesome!

And no shit: not as many people thought to purchase Akeelah and the Bee and the new John Mayer album while they were grabbing their coffee and bran muffins. Who were the advertising wizards who came up with that one?!

Starbucks said that it expects pre-tax charges of between $328 million and $348 million related to the store closings. But because of tax benefits, the company said it expects to see total cash outflow of about $100 million as a result.

The charges will include about $8 million in severance charges, although the company did not specify how many people would lose their jobs as a result of the closures.

I'm guessing that if you are closing 600 stores, (I believe the number of employees at both stores I worked at was between 10 and 20, depending on how big the store is) I believe the number of people losing their jobs would be roughly a fucking fuckload.

What I find weird is that there's no mention of where the stores are that they're closing. Will there no longer be a bajillion in New York City? (There are actually 171 in Manhattan alone)

The real question I need to know the answer to, though, is this: What will Peter King make of this?!


  1. The thing they don't say though is that they are expanding each store they are keeping by 3 city blocks.

    Coffeenerdness: Hey! I'm Peter King, I think Starbucks is pretty cool. I like triple grande hazelnut lattes. I'm all about being hip with the young people. None of that sugar-free syrup garbage for me. I take massive shits in Starbucks bathrooms across the country.

  2. Yea, I guess it is good to bury that post...in retrospect, it's probably one of the most terribly offensive things I've ever written...and it acheives that, like 60 words into it...