Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Pedro and the 'Pen: Showdown 2008

The 2008 Mets are almost like a homecoming for long-time fans of the team. I mean that in the sense that they are so damned frustrating, they can piss you off while still winning the game. There is no better example of this than last night's game, where the Mets put a boob-punching on Phillies starter Adam Eaton, giving Pedro Martinez a loverly 10-2 lead upon his exit during the 6th inning.

Then, the mutiny began.

Tony Armas Jr., Aaron "remember when I used to be good?" Heilman, and Billy "remember when I used to be God?" Wagner combined for 3 2/3 innings and gave up 7 GOD DAMNED RUNS. Yes, that's correct, the final score was Mets 10, Phillies 9. Homeruns by Utley, Howard, Burrell and a pinch-hit homerun by the Philly Phanatic led the team within inches of officially castrating the Mets for the remainder of the season.

After the first decent start from Pedro Martinez since saying "Moises Who?" on Mets blogs was still funny, the bullpen...I'd say "collapsed," but that doesn't truly epitomize what transpired last night. It seems...well, I hate to say it but it seems like the bullpen was purposefully sabotaging Pedro's performance. After the game, members of the pitching staff held a press conference to answer questions regarding the troubling performance:

Pedro: Ahem, I woul like to thanks ju all for coming. This is a berry big win for the team and I woul like to thanks David and ebryone for contributing offensifly. I ang happy with my progress and hope to continue to help the team win games. I woul also like to thanks my bullpen for...joining me heer in de press conferess. I woul now like to open de floor for questions.

Berbalerbs: Hi, Pedro. First, congrats on the win. Must've been a real nail biter, huh?

Pedro: Jes.

Berbalerbs: I just wanted to get your opinion on the bullpen's performance...do you chalk it up to the hitter-friendly ballpark, the fighting spirit of the Phillies, or just an unlucky night for the pen?

Pedro: No. Dey were trying to loos.

Berbalerbs: Hahaha, Pedro it's great to see that you can keep your trademark sense of humor even in tense situations like this!

Pedro: I no keeding. Dose fuckers try to loos de game for me.

Berbalerbs: Tony Armas Jr., would you like to respond to thees, ehem, sorry, this accusation?

Tony: He preedy much right. We try to loos game an screw heem.

Berbalerbs: But...but...against the Phillies? With a chance to win a four game series? To put you over .500 for the first time in over a month? And to get within 2.5 games of 1st place?!? Let me then pose my next question: What the fuck you fucking fuckers? Aaron, care to respond?

Aaron: Um...actually, no one told me we were trying to throw the game. I just...y'know...suck as of late.

Pedro: Don' lie, whitebread!

Aaron: Don't call me whitebread....uh, BROWNbread!

Tony: Dude...

Aaron: Sorry...

Pedro: Dees guy a racist! He got a sign abof hees locker says:

Scotty Big Show: Dude...

Pedro: Sorry...

Berbalerbs: Billy Wagner, what is your take on the apparent termoil that seems to have--


Berbalerbs: Oh Christ.

Billy: That's right. Fuck you, you rolly polly sum'bitch!!!

Pedro: Shuddup ju honkey raydneck!!! I make ju my bitch!

Billy: I'll show you who yer DADDY IS!!!

Pedro: I'll give you the Don Zimmerman treatment like



Joe: GUYS!!! What in the heckfire?!? C'mon fellas, we won the game, didn't we?!? What's all the cotton-pickin' fussin n' fightin fer?

Pedro: Dees jagasses were trying to loos de game!

Billy: You deserved it fer what ya dun!

Pedro: Chingate, CABRON!

Billy: Quick, Tony, how do ya say "fuck you, asshole" in Ay-Span-Yoll?

Tony: Chingate, cabron.

Billy: OK, Chinger-- HEY!!!


Stunned silence.

Billy: Well, look who's balls finally dropped.

Berbalerbs: What in the shit is going on here?!? What possible reason could you guys have for WANTING to loose another game? What could Pedro POSSIBLY have done for you guys to go this far?!?

Billy: Well, Pedro?

Tony: Show heem.

Pedro: Okay. Comb with me. I got sonethin to show ju.

Pedro led me to one of the coaches offices across the locker room.

Pedro: Jayry got a daid body in dere.

Berbalerbs: Bullshit.

Pedro: No, forreals.

Berbalerbs: How the hell would Jerry Manuel sneak a dead body into the clubhouse? I mean, really.

Pedro: I no lying. Check it out.




Berbalerbs: Asshole.

Joe: HAH! pwned.


  1. to be fair, at least they don't say "El Who-que". Unless they do. But God help us all if they do.

  2. I'd also like to know exactly how many boob punching videos you wacthed before you said "yup, thats the one!"