Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Ian Malcolm Thinks Pemulis Will Never Learn, But Has Bigger Fish to Fry


Well, uhh... last time I was here, I uhh... warned you Pemulis. I explained Chaos Theory and the Butterfly effect, and still. Up 8 - 0 in the uhh.... fourth inning and you consider texting mister berbalerbs something along the lines of "not jinxing anything, just wanted to say booyow!". Now you said you're not making the same mistakes again. I say, uhhh.. no. You're making all new ones. But it goes deeper this time.

Now, as you may know. I uhh... I tried to help last night well before the 9th inning I snuck into the Mets bullpen with the intention of uhh... removing Billy Wagner and when confronted by a security guard I uhh... I told him "I'm taking the kid. If you really want to stop us, shoot us. " Unfortunately, he missed Billy and only hit me.

Look, Omar and I uhhh... we go way back. We set about together trying to rebuild this Mets team and I told him to be careful about it, not to be too much of a hunter. This isn't hunting, Ian, it's searching. They're looking for World Series Ring. He said earnestly, and I replied Let's not disappoint them. But I knew something was amiss. Even when they thought about signing Billy after the '05 season, I told O "Taking dinosaurs off that island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. And I'm gonna be there when you learn that. " He, being the asshole that he is, not so kindly pointed out that Philadelphia is not, in fact, and island. Sure he was a little flashy with his 99MPH fast ball when he got here... Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming and the huge saves being blown.


Full Disclosure: Omar and I uhhh.. well let's just say there was a time period when we were more than just friends. I said Hang on, this is gonna be bad. And I uhh... told Omar that if he keeps bringing these old ass veterans in it will come back to bite him in the ass. It will eventually lead to the teams downfall and the New York press and fans would eat him alive. That was the straw that, uhhh... that broke that beautiful hispanic camel's back. I love you. I just don't... need you right now. Omar said. I was more than a tad upset. I'll tell you what you NEED, a good anti-psychotic! So he left. I'll be back in five or six days. He uhh.. he told me a straight face. So I signed off with, No, you'll be back in five or six PIECES! We haven't uhh... well let's just say we're no longer on each others Christmas card lists.

Look, I guess what, uhhh... I guess what I'm trying to say Pem, is that maybe your text message and chaos theory has less to do with the uhh.. with the Mets woes than poor planning and even poorer execution. Is there an antidote? I don't know. But Pem, I'm always on the lookout for a future Ex-Mrs. Malcolm, if you catch my
drift.

1 comment:

  1. hahahahahahahahahaha best final hyperlink EVER.

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