Tuesday, July 22, 2008

How I Survived The Love Guru

Yes, that's correct. I watched The Love Guru. In its entirety. Though "watched" might be too strong a word. "Endured" might be a better fit, here.

Now, before you go thinking I'm an idiot who would spend money on this sort of crap... Well, I might be an idiot, but I would not spend money on this crap. Anyway, I watched it (while at work - it was a slow day) on a little something I like to call: The Greatest Thing in The History of Anything EVER.

Now, the most amazing thing about this movie is that it's real. This was actually written and someone said it would be a good idea to make this thing happen. And then they went and actually made it. It is literally mind-boggling that this movie exists. The "plot" of the movie is as follows: Mike Myers is a love guru who needs to get a hockey player back together with his wife so they can win the Stanley cup. And there is no development of any sort. If you can recall the series of gags in Austin Powers where the people see things that are phallic shaped and then it cuts to other people saying something like "Johnson!" or whatever, then you've already seen this movie. It's seriously 90 minutes of jokes about balls and midgets. And while that might sounds awesome in theory, this is so poorly executed that I did not laugh one time. Ok, I did laugh once. But begrudgingly.

I almost stopped watching this movie several times, but knew I had to power through it. There are 3 musical numbers in the movie. 3. You read that correctly. The thing is that the musical numbers are not funny. I'm not even sure they were supposed to be. The movie opens with Myers playing 9 to 5 on the sitar. And they do the whole song. Like a solid 3 minutes while not much else goes on in the background. Like, I get that it was supposed to be a parody of Bollywood movies, but... the musical numbers weren't really parodying anything so much as sucking...hard.

You almost owe it to yourself to see this movie. Just to see how long you can last. If you make it the whole way through, you win a prize!

Unfortunately the prize is a 20 point drop in IQ.

And now just for fun, some reviewer highlights:

"I daresay that even a splinter in the eyeball would be less painful than sitting through this debacle. "

"So sari, Mike Myers. Your spoof of "Bollywood" stinks. " [Ed. note: If you're going to make fun of a movie for not being funny, using a terrible and unfunny pun is not the best way to do it]

"just isn't funny by any stretch of the imagination, relying instead upon a mindless barrage of crotch humor, bodily fluid gags and midget jokes that won't amuse anyone other than the most juvenile of audiences. "

"As the celebrity love guru of Los Angeles, Mike Meyers delivers jokes so poorly that they just clang to the floor like metal weights. "

Now If you'll excuse me I'm off for my next endurance challenge - not sure what it will be yet. Maybe The Happening? Maybe Get Smart? The possibilities are endless!! Ooooooh the life I lead!

1 comment:

  1. DUDE!!! Next time at least give us a "spoiler alert" warning...I had no IDEA it was going to begin with 9 to 5 on the sitar...now buying the Criterion edition of the DVD, and dressing up like an Indian person to watch it isn't going to be as fun...

    I mean it's still going to be fun, but...