Ooo, look. Berbalerbs is mad at something someone wrote about the Mets. How novel.

Someone from a really ignorant Mets blog wrote something really ignorant. Let's make fun, shall we?

In Defense Of The Wilpons: Are The Mets Heading To The Junkyard?

Think back to that first car you owned. Wont [sic] it always have a special place in your heart?

Ok, I'll spare you the rest of this lede, mostly because it's wordy and appropos to NOTHING ELSE IN THE FUCKING BLOG POST. But mostly it's blah blah loved the car but then it started to break down blah blah eventually couldn't just throw money at it, and you had to get rid of it.

I’m wondering when the Wilpon’s [sic] will reach this point—if they haven’t already.

Ok, so at this point, maybe the article's going to talk about how the Wilpons have treated their ownership of the Mets a bit irresponsibly, as a teenager might treat his/her first car. Maybe they valued the shinyness of its hood over the power of the engine? I don't know. I didn't construct this tortured metaphor.

But no. That is not the direction this web log poster decided to take. This interweb writer decided to take a sharp left-hand turn to Fuckwit Township.

Yes, the Wilpons have been criticized and crucified for not giving us our elusive 3rd Championship...But in their defense, do they deserve all the blame?

No. Not all the blame. But a hefty fucking percentage of the blame, yes.

True they should have spent money better, wiser. Just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.

If you're wondering, those two sentences completely undermine the rest of the post. This is the next sentence. The very. Next. Sentence:

However, when all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball.

Wouldn't that whole thing look a lot more sensible if you switched those two thoughts around?

When all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball. However, just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.

See? Doesn't that make your brain hurt a lot less?

Tell someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City that our owners don’t want to win.

Berbalerbs: Hey, someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City?
SIPOKC: What's up?
Berbalerbs: Our owners don't seem like they want to win.
SIPOKC: Fair assessment. Wanna make a suicide pact?
Berbalerbs: Boy, do I!!!

They have opened their wallets time and time again.

On players like Oliver Perez. And Luis Castillo. And Alex Cora. And Gary Fucking Matthews Fucking Jr. (fucking.)

They have put the best product on the field and given us the tools needed to build a championship.

Our "best product, championship-building toolshed" included Mike Jacobs hitting cleanup on Opening Day this year. And before you say "he was there due to another player being injured," that other player was Daniel Murphy. No disrespect to Murph, but come. The fuck. On.

Take a step back.

Cuz you standin' on mah dick!!! Tee hee. Ahem, sorry.

Don’t look at who we haven’t gotten but who we HAVE.

Get ready for this folks. This is an INVALUABLE lesson for us all to learn, ESPECIALLY anyone planning on a career in politics: If you ignore any and all context to a situation, you can argue anything!!! Let's begin:

We signed future Hall of Famer Pedro Martinez.

After his prime. For too many years and too much money. Look, I'll be the first to say it was a good signing, but mostly because it restored some credibility to a team that had been UTTER SHIT for like 4 years. It likely helped them land Beltran, and indeed, in 2006 we almost made the World Series with Pedro on the team. But by the end of that season, the cracks began to show as we were counting on a LOT of people past their prime (Pedro, El Duque, Glavine) to lead us to glory. But I digress.

Then signed another future Hall of Famer in Tom Glavine, both who definitely know a thing or two about winning pressure games.

Glavine we covered above, but I just wanted to add in that line about "knowing a thing or two about winning pressure games," like that's...a thing.

We locked up 5 tool superstar Carlos Beltran for 7 years in the prime of his career.

Yup. Score one for the front office!!!

CURRENT FRONT OFFICE SCORE: 1.

Oh, and while I'm being bitchy, the blog this was posted on (which refers to itself as "The Ultimate Baseball Site for Die-Hard Mets fans derp derp derp") consistently brings up the fact that the 2010 Mets "started losing as soon as Beltran came back," because if you were paying attention in Science class, correlation ALWAYS equals causation. But yea, Mr. Clubhouse Cancer is all of a sudden a championship tool when it's convenient.

We acquired slugger Carlos Delgado who, as his career was winding down, had a deep seeded desire to play in a World Series.

First part: granted, especially the "career winding down" part. Second part: objection, your honor. Relevance?

We signed the best LHP in the game in Johan Santana

Woah woah woah woah woah. Anything about that seem weird to you? Like, maybe that he wasn't on the team when Pedro and Glavine were here? And when he arrived here, John Maine and Oliver Perez were considered our #2 and #3 guys?

When our bullpen crumbled we obtained Francisco Rodriguez fresh off his record 62 saves.

Which was the opposite of a productive way to fix the problem. Our ENTIRE bullpen crumbled, not just our closer. So you give a RIDICULOUSLY HIGH contract (and I'm not saying this just because of Baby-Mama's-Daddy-PunchGate, $15 mill+ a year for a relief pitcher not named Mariano Rivera is silly) based on one of the worst stats in baseball, the save? And yea I get that they signed Putz that same year, but making a recognizable, past-his-prime closer your eighth inning guy and having NOTHING behind that isn't a strategy. Putz predictably wanted to be a closer again (whether or not his performance warrants it), so you knew he wasn't sticking around. And K-Rod hits old people, so...y'know.

We brought in Gary Sheffield for his veteran presence and post-season experience.

ARE YOU FUCKING JOSHING ME HERE!?!?!?!?!?

I'm verklempt. I need a minute.
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:

Gary Sheffield is neither an example of a good move by ownership NOR an example of ownership spending a lot of money (being that Detroit was paying almost all of his bloated contract after RELEASING HIM FROM THEIR TEAM DUE TO HIS INABILITY TO PLAY BASEBALL WELL ANY LONGER). Discuss.

In a free agent market with limited hitting, we signed Jason Bay after he hit 36 HR’s and 119 RBI’s.

In an offseason where the Mets had dozens upon dozens of personnel matters to discuss, they signed this one guy because, HEY! You've heard of him right??? Great! He used to play for the Red Sox!!! You've heard of them, right??? GREAT! Well come on down, buy a ticket and see THAT GUY YOU'VE HEARD OF THAT USED TO PLAY FOR THAT WELL KNOWN TEAM!!!

Collective Mets fans with brains: Um...sirs? What about the rotation going into--
Wilpons: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR SHAKE SHACK!

The Wilpon’s [sic] also hired Willie Randolph as skipper. Randolph, who by himself, has more championship rings then the entire Mets roster.

Yea, how'd that work out for them? And I'll be brief about it but PLEASE shut the FUCK up with this rings bullshit. He won them as a player, not a manager so putting that in there means NOTHING. Also, this writer presumably thinks that David Eckstein was a superior player (is? Does he still play? idunno) to Alex Rodriguez, because Ecky's got more rings. KISS THE RINGS, BITCH!

And lets not forget the fact that they gave us fans a brand new stadium to call home.

Which taxpayers chipped in around $175 million to build. But hey, it sure is nice that the tickets and food are so reasonably priced!!! Oh hey wait...

Despite all of these moves, acquisitions, free agent signings, despite the fact our payroll has increased close to 50% in 5 years, what has it gotten us? One–ONE–division title!!!

Hmmmmm now why, oh, why could that be? Was it perhaps that the moves, acquisitions and blah blah blah were more to project an image of "wanting to win" and having a "quality product" than to actually have a fucking winning product? I wonder whose fault that might be...
Oh I know! Jerry Manuel!

Hmmmm....who hired Jerry again? Oh I know, Omar Minaya!!!!


Hmmm...who hired Omar again?

Oh.

I know.

THE FUCKING OWNERS.

Like our first car, I wonder if and when the Wilpon’s may decide to stop throwing good money after bad and try something new, something different.

Like my first car, your post was busted and shitty.

The New Kid's Trip to "Da Room"

Wednesday, May 27th; CitiField. Daniel Murphy has just hit a borderline homerun off the retarded Subway sign jut out in the right field stands. The initial call on the field is "in play"U1: In Plaaaaaaaaaay!U2: Dat's a review.U3: Oh shooore. Def'nitely a re-vyooo.

U1: Really? I'm pretty sure I got a good look at that one, looked like it almost knicked the--

U2: HUDDLE UP!U1: Guys, I know I'm new to the crew so I definitely don't want to step on toes, it's just that there's been so many reviews lately and--

U2: Hey kid, the fuck's open. Why don't you shut it up, huh?

U1: Wait what? I don't think I--

U2: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

U1: Oh. I get it now.

U3: Listen, dere, youngster. We gotta good little situation goin on here, if ya catch my drift.

U1: Um...I'm decidedly not catching your drift sorry. It's just that-- uh, guys? Why is Jerry Manuel staring and pointing at me?U1: Idunno guys, if Jerry's arm were like, 200 feet longer he'd be touching me right now. I think I'm going to eject him.

U2: That's the opposite of a good idea kid. I think he likes you. Heh. Hehe. C'mon. Let's go to Da Room.

U1: "Da Room"?

The three umpires enter into the dark hallway that leads to the CitiField replay review room. After about 40 yards of walking in complete darkness, they arrive at the door to Da Room.

U2: Welp. Go ahead, kid. Open the door.

U1: O...k...

Door swings open
U1: Oh G T F O!!! The Playhouse!?!? PEE-WEE?!?!?!!?

Pee-Wee: Sup.

U2: Welcome to the Mets payroll, kid!

U1: Excuse me?

U3: Oh shooore. We're ahn da books here at Shea--

U1: Citi.

U3: Who?

U1: Nevermind.

U3: So basically, we cahl any borderline homer fer replay review, and den we come back here, maybe have a sandwich, write a poem, "say hi to the bishop," whatever, and then we go back out and do the little home run twirly finger thingy.

U2: Well, I get to do the home run twirly finger thing.

U3: Right.

U1: Gentlemen, this is PREPOSTEROUS! I refuse, REFUSE to taint this greatest of all sports with something so vile, so under-handed, so--

U2: Do it or Cowboy Curtis rapes you to death.
C.C. God damned right I'll rape ya.

Several sandwiches later...HOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Follow The Leader

December 20th, 1982

[Int - Maternity Ward - Virginia]


Richard Alpert: Hello. I represent a very powerful organization. I'm told there's a boy being born here today. Are you Mr. and Mrs. Wright, and is this your son David?

Mrs. Wright: Yes.. how can we help you?

[Alpert runs out]

...........................................................................................................................................................

1988, Virginia

[INT - Wright household]


Richard Alpert: Hello David. My name is Richard. I've been told by someone you may be very special. I've got a test I'd like you to take.

[Richard lays out 3 objects. One is a baseball bat, one is some candy, one is a picture of a man choking to death on a cool fall day]

Richard: David, I want you to tell me which one of these has always belonged to you.

David: Ooooh candy! [grabs and eats candy]

Richard storms out of the house.

...........................................................................................................................................................

2009, Flushing, New York

Ilana: Who plays third base for the Mets?

Frank Lipidus: Uhhh... David Wright?

Bram: Ok, maybe he's a candidate.

Frank: For what?

Bram knocks Frank unconscious.


Ilana: Richard, who plays third base for the Mets?

Richard (in Latin): He who will save us all.

Ilana: We have something to show you.
Ilana opens crate to reveal....

Steve Phillips: Hi! You know Richard, I know you've been looking at this David Wright kid for a long time. I'm just not sure he's got the mental toughness to be a leader yet. It seems like maybe he's got some humps to get over and I'm not sure he'll ever get there. He just seems to lack a killer instinct and a locker room presence that a team leader needs to have. He lacks the heart and grit of say a David Eckstein. That's the type of guy who comes to a team and just wins. I also think this team should trade Carlos Beltran, and I'm certain that the holocaust never happened. What do you think, Joe?


To be honest with you Steve I haven't seen enough one way or the other to comment on whether or not the holocaust actually happened. I also haven't seen enough of Wright to say one way or the other whether his heart is truly in it and if he can be the leader of this ballclub. That being said I think this year he is the Mets MVP, hands down, without a doubt.




Entirety of people on the island: JULIET, DO THE DAMN THING NOW!!!!



See you all in an alternate future where we don't have to listen to moronic assholes say stupid things about your team!

When I Fwow da Ball, You not apposeda hit it!

I'm Gwumpy! I's was up past my bedtimes wast night and you dinint even read a stowy wid me! And befow dat the Mets dinint pway nice wit me!

Fiwst I putted 2 guys on da bases acuz mommy said to pway nice so I was just shaywin. Den Moley man hitted da bawl too hard. Him's not nice. I mad at hims. Waiter in da game paydwo cewano hitted the ball too! Hims not my fwend.

I can haz baseballs back now? I sowwy mista Bochy. I dinnint mean to wose da game. My awm fewt ok an everything. I just counint get a withim going. I dinint have any juice in my awm. OOOh! I can has some juice? Pweese? I wikes juice.

Coach says I gunna bwossom into beautful butterfwy. I wanna fwow the bawl some mower. You wanna pway? Tomowwow? Okay. It's night night time.

Tomowwow mownin I'm gowin to watch Cinderella then pway bawl!!

Night night.

Ian Malcolm Thinks Pemulis Will Never Learn, But Has Bigger Fish to Fry

Well, uhh... last time I was here, I uhh... warned you Pemulis. I explained Chaos Theory and the Butterfly effect, and still. Up 8 - 0 in the uhh.... fourth inning and you consider texting mister berbalerbs something along the lines of "not jinxing anything, just wanted to say booyow!". Now you said you're not making the same mistakes again. I say, uhhh.. no. You're making all new ones. But it goes deeper this time.

Now, as you may know. I uhh... I tried to help last night well before the 9th inning I snuck into the Mets bullpen with the intention of uhh... removing Billy Wagner and when confronted by a security guard I uhh... I told him "I'm taking the kid. If you really want to stop us, shoot us. " Unfortunately, he missed Billy and only hit me.

Look, Omar and I uhhh... we go way back. We set about together trying to rebuild this Mets team and I told him to be careful about it, not to be too much of a hunter. This isn't hunting, Ian, it's searching. They're looking for World Series Ring. He said earnestly, and I replied Let's not disappoint them. But I knew something was amiss. Even when they thought about signing Billy after the '05 season, I told O "Taking dinosaurs off that island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. And I'm gonna be there when you learn that. " He, being the asshole that he is, not so kindly pointed out that Philadelphia is not, in fact, and island. Sure he was a little flashy with his 99MPH fast ball when he got here... Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming and the huge saves being blown.

Full Disclosure: Omar and I uhhh.. well let's just say there was a time period when we were more than just friends. I said Hang on, this is gonna be bad. And I uhh... told Omar that if he keeps bringing these old ass veterans in it will come back to bite him in the ass. It will eventually lead to the teams downfall and the New York press and fans would eat him alive. That was the straw that, uhhh... that broke that beautiful hispanic camel's back. I love you. I just don't... need you right now. Omar said. I was more than a tad upset. I'll tell you what you NEED, a good anti-psychotic! So he left. I'll be back in five or six days. He uhh.. he told me a straight face. So I signed off with, No, you'll be back in five or six PIECES! We haven't uhh... well let's just say we're no longer on each others Christmas card lists.

Look, I guess what, uhhh... I guess what I'm trying to say Pem, is that maybe your text message and chaos theory has less to do with the uhh.. with the Mets woes than poor planning and even poorer execution. Is there an antidote? I don't know. But Pem, I'm always on the lookout for a future Ex-Mrs. Malcolm, if you catch my drift.

Pedro and the 'Pen: Showdown 2008

The 2008 Mets are almost like a homecoming for long-time fans of the team. I mean that in the sense that they are so damned frustrating, they can piss you off while still winning the game. There is no better example of this than last night's game, where the Mets put a boob-punching on Phillies starter Adam Eaton, giving Pedro Martinez a loverly 10-2 lead upon his exit during the 6th inning.

Then, the mutiny began.

Tony Armas Jr., Aaron "remember when I used to be good?" Heilman, and Billy "remember when I used to be God?" Wagner combined for 3 2/3 innings and gave up 7 GOD DAMNED RUNS. Yes, that's correct, the final score was Mets 10, Phillies 9. Homeruns by Utley, Howard, Burrell and a pinch-hit homerun by the Philly Phanatic led the team within inches of officially castrating the Mets for the remainder of the season.

After the first decent start from Pedro Martinez since saying "Moises Who?" on Mets blogs was still funny, the bullpen...I'd say "collapsed," but that doesn't truly epitomize what transpired last night. It seems...well, I hate to say it but it seems like the bullpen was purposefully sabotaging Pedro's performance. After the game, members of the pitching staff held a press conference to answer questions regarding the troubling performance:

Pedro: Ahem, I woul like to thanks ju all for coming. This is a berry big win for the team and I woul like to thanks David and ebryone for contributing offensifly. I ang happy with my progress and hope to continue to help the team win games. I woul also like to thanks my bullpen for...joining me heer in de press conferess. I woul now like to open de floor for questions.

Berbalerbs: Hi, Pedro. First, congrats on the win. Must've been a real nail biter, huh?

Pedro: Jes.

Berbalerbs: I just wanted to get your opinion on the bullpen's performance...do you chalk it up to the hitter-friendly ballpark, the fighting spirit of the Phillies, or just an unlucky night for the pen?

Pedro: No. Dey were trying to loos.

Berbalerbs: Hahaha, Pedro it's great to see that you can keep your trademark sense of humor even in tense situations like this!

Pedro: I no keeding. Dose fuckers try to loos de game for me.

Berbalerbs: Tony Armas Jr., would you like to respond to thees, ehem, sorry, this accusation?

Tony: He preedy much right. We try to loos game an screw heem.

Berbalerbs: But...but...against the Phillies? With a chance to win a four game series? To put you over .500 for the first time in over a month? And to get within 2.5 games of 1st place?!? Let me then pose my next question: What the fuck you fucking fuckers? Aaron, care to respond?

Aaron: Um...actually, no one told me we were trying to throw the game. I just...y'know...suck as of late.

Pedro: Don' lie, whitebread!

Aaron: Don't call me whitebread....uh, BROWNbread!

Tony: Dude...

Aaron: Sorry...

Pedro: Dees guy a racist! He got a sign abof hees locker says:
SIG HEILman

Scotty Big Show: Dude...

Pedro: Sorry...

Berbalerbs: Billy Wagner, what is your take on the apparent termoil that seems to have--

Billy: FUUUUUCK YOUUUUUU PAY-DROOOOOO!!!!

Berbalerbs: Oh Christ.

Billy: That's right. Fuck you, you rolly polly sum'bitch!!!

Pedro: Shuddup ju honkey raydneck!!! I make ju my bitch!

Billy: I'll show you who yer DADDY IS!!!

Pedro: I'll give you the Don Zimmerman treatment like

BOOM!!!

HIIII-YAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Joe: GUYS!!! What in the heckfire?!? C'mon fellas, we won the game, didn't we?!? What's all the cotton-pickin' fussin n' fightin fer?

Pedro: Dees jagasses were trying to loos de game!

Billy: You deserved it fer what ya dun!

Pedro: Chingate, CABRON!

Billy: Quick, Tony, how do ya say "fuck you, asshole" in Ay-Span-Yoll?

Tony: Chingate, cabron.

Billy: OK, Chinger-- HEY!!!

Berbalerbs: GENTLEMEN PLEASE!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Stunned silence.

Billy: Well, look who's balls finally dropped.

Berbalerbs: What in the shit is going on here?!? What possible reason could you guys have for WANTING to loose another game? What could Pedro POSSIBLY have done for you guys to go this far?!?

Billy: Well, Pedro?

Tony: Show heem.

Pedro: Okay. Comb with me. I got sonethin to show ju.

Pedro led me to one of the coaches offices across the locker room.

Pedro: Jayry got a daid body in dere.

Berbalerbs: Bullshit.

Pedro: No, forreals.

Berbalerbs: How the hell would Jerry Manuel sneak a dead body into the clubhouse? I mean, really.

Pedro: I no lying. Check it out.

...

...

... Pedro: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJAJAAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJA

Berbalerbs: Asshole.

Joe: HAH! pwned.

Final Home Opener At Shea

So yesterday I took the day off from work and went to Shea Stadium for the very last home opener there. It was pretty awesome to see how far along Citi Field is coming, and even more awesome to think about the prospect of not having to wait at least 15 minutes to go to the bathroom every time you have to take a leak. Seats were great. First base side Field Level between Delgado and Church.


Prior to the game there were ceremonies announcing the players, and retiring the name "Shea" along side the retired numbers, which was kind of a nice gesture, but also kind of didn't make any sense whatsoever. They then unveiled a countdown in the outfield, giving the number of games left to play at the stadium. This would have seemed a bit morbid, were Shea not such a complete and utter shit-hole.

The game started off well enough, Delgado crushed a monster shot to give us an early lead, and we got to witness no less than four fist fights at various times (none close enough to us for me to experience first hand, which was nice, since I'm a huge pussy). Our seats were also about five rows behind Gary Dell'Abate. This was funny for a few minutes, then quickly became old as numerous times throughout the game people were just yelling Baba Booey. Like, a whole lot.

Anyway, the Mets were unable to capitalize on a number of chances, and then handed the game over to their bullpen with only a 2 - 0 lead. As a Mets fan who has had to deal with a bullpen that is inconsistent at its best, there are just certain times when a reliever comes in and you know just absolutely one hundred percent know that you are doomed. When Heilman came into the game yesterday, it was one of those feelings.

Regardless of the outcome of the game, I was pretty excited when the 8th inning rolled around, I did not know when or how long the 8th inning sing-a-long song vote was going to go on for, and was curious to see whether or not they would get rick-rolled. They announced that due to an overwhelmingly large viral campaign, Astley's song won as a write-in, and won by a whole hell of a lot of votes. The Mets had been rick-rolled. At Deadspin, they have up a video of crowd reaction that seems pretty harsh. I'm not sure if it's just the horrendous audio quality of the video, or that whoever is taping this was booing with like, 3 guys around him or what. Or if maybe his section was booing? Down by where I was sitting I didn't really see a reaction one way or the other from anyone. Indifference seemed to be the overall mood of anyone anywhere near where I was, even though I had a good chuckle.

But then in a drastic double you tee eff moment, they announced they'd be playing not just that song, but all of the vote-able songs over the next week or so during the 8th inning, and it seems that whichever gets the loudest cheers will win for the season? I call bullshit, New York Mets. Shame on you. I bet Billy Joel's "Movin' Out" wins. Assholes. You allowed people to write-in, you made your bed. Deal with it.

Also - Professor Reyes is no more :(
They have two new segments: Maine Street USA, and The Wright Way.
Maine Street USA features (you guessed it!) John Maine giving us three clues in the form of street names, and then we name the city. Hilarity did not ensue.
The Wright Way featured an always dashing David Wright telling kids to always wear a helmet. I can't imagine they have 80 more installments of that...

Beer is now 8$ and pretzels are 4$ and hot dogs are 5$. I'm going to be going to another game in a few weeks that I got tickets to for 4.25$ It is more than depressing that the price of the ticket is, while ever so slightly more than a soft pretzel, it is still cheaper than hot dog and almost half as much as one 16 can of Bud Light.

Rick-roll The Mets

So the Mets are letting we the people decide what sing-a-long song is being played during the eighth inning at Shea this year. Some folks over at Digg have proposed the idea of Rick-rolling the Mets. Part of me thinks this is hilarious, and the other part of me knows how quickly the novelty will wear off. Personally I would have preferred some obscure song that's not very sing-a-long-y to win by way of write in, like Masticated Outboard Motors by Frog Eyes or really like, anything by The Olivia Tremor Control. Trying singing along to that, jerks! My only other problem is the amount of info required to be able to tell them what song to play. Why do you want to call me, mlb.com - I already told you what I was wearing (socks, a smile).

Anyway, if you don't know what Rick-rolling is, a definition can be found here.

The Kids First Mets Game

Last baseball season, my kid was too young to really want to take her to a Mets game. It would have been more of a hassle than it was worth, and besides, trying to convince a vendor to give an 8 month old an Endy Chavez Bobble-Head seemed like a tough sell.

I believe I have to make a serious effort to take her this season. She's old enough to enjoy it, I think. It is also the last year Shea Stadium will be up. I want her to be able to see a picture of herself at Shea Stadium, so that when I tell her what a shit hole it was, she'll see and know she'd been there. Also, it will be way easier to get whatever toy they are giving away with her being this age instead of super tiny.

The question then becomes: Which game do I take her to?
Unfortunately, the team's site doesn't have the promotional dates listed yet, so it's impossible to say just yet. This, however, allows me to speculate just what they might give away this season.

Now, she still owes me since she broke my David Wright Bobble-head, but I'm willing to forgive her if there is an awesome promotion being given away. Acceptable toys include: David Wright bobble bare handed catch, vintage Ty Wigginton bobble head doll, Pedro Martinez bobble cock fight, Carlos Delgado bobble contract year HGH syringe, Mike Pelfrey bobble mouth guard, Louis Castillo bobble knee replacement, Mrs. Met Fleshlight.

You Don't Mess with The Johan

Clever, right? It's almost like they're making this crappy movie just so assholes like me can use it as pun fodder!

Anyway, I was (and am, obvi) excited about Johan Santana pitching for the Mets. I am happy for him that he will be making, roughly, an assload of money. I used to be in the camp that thought it was stupid and wrong to "go out and buy championships". This was really just because it was something to say to taunt Yankees fans when the Mets sucked and it's a bit more polite than "fuck you in the face". Anyway, I've since learned a bit more about how the game works, and I appreciate that living in a large market affords my team the means to compete on a regular basis. 137.5 million for Santana? Who cares!? Ain't my fucking money. Sure, it's great to see home grown talent like Wright and Reyes play at such a high level (and such eye candy to boot!), but honestly, as much as it's a game we all love - it's also a business, and plus: we traded for Santana, the money thing was a contract extension, it isn't like we bought him out on the open market, you dicks.

So getting to the point (never been my strong suit), Tom Verducci has an article on si.com that explains just how much of a fucking badass Johan actually is. He almost walked away from 137 millions dollars over a five million dollar discrepency. I would say he is completely bats, but thats because I'm poor and plus - you can't really call the guy crazy since he got his way in the end. Anyway, apparently this bit of conversation happened:

"I told you I wasn't backing off my number," Santana told Fred Wilpon. "I appreciate your offer, but I'm passing on it." Wilpon replied, "I've been in business a long time. That's a lot of money to walk away from." "No disrespect to you," Santana said. "But I deserve it. I'll just go back and pitch and I'll get it later. Alex Rodriguez is the highest paid player in the game. I'm the best pitcher. I'm not even asking for that [Rodriguez] kind of money."

That takes balls so large I don't even want to think about their size, lest I become aroused. Also, the rumour is that he may have said, re the incentive bonuses that trigger his option year " "You get my clause, I'll get my Cy Young."

Johan? You sir, are a badass. I am glad to have you on my team. Now quickly, two things. If you pull a Zito, I will hunt you down - like this! Second, please keep your cock away and out of the spot light.

Amazin' Birthday Gift: Santana to the Mets!

See what I did there with that headline? Get it? Amazin'?

Anyway, my insane lameness aside, reports abound that Johan Santana is going to be a New York Met.

Considering we went from being an after thought, dark horse, long shot, etc etc. in the Santana sweepstakes, as it were, it is completely unbelievable that we actually landed him. Our rotation just got incredibly formidable, and the only real important prospect we gave up was Carlos Gomez.* Pitching prospects turn out to be busts so often it's hard to be too upset about losing Mulvey and Humber.** The fourth prospect I hadn't even heard of, so who cares about him?*** We will now be presenting Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, John Maine, Oliver Perez, and some combo of Mike Pelfrey or El Duque. If Pedro stays healthy, that has to be one of the best rotation in the NL this side of Arizona.

My brother called me to wish me a happy birthday and then told me the news, I told him cruel jokes do not equal birthday presents and that we were no longer friends. I have since apologized.

Though now that I think of it, I am pretty sure that he was convinced that telling me Santana was coming to the Mets was "a heck of a birthday present" as in, his birthday present, to me. Oh well.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate furiously thinking about the Mets, and then take a little cat nap.

*I'm sure that statement won't come back to bite me in the ass.
**Fuck you if you thought "Scott Kazmir" as you read that, asshole.
***Will definitely end up a superstar now.

Quit Playin' Games with My Heart

I was originally going to title this post "please Jon Heyman stop being such a cock tease" but it seemed too gay. Anyway, according to his recent article on SI, the Mets have become the front runners in the Johan Santana trade. Here is why I think we should do whatever it takes to get him (regarding prospects, were they to trade Reyes I would go on a killing spree).

We already traded Lastings Milledge for Brian Schneider and Ryan Church. Two serviceable players - a decent defensive catcher who cant hit for shit, and an outfielder who will platoon because he cant hit lefties... For a guy who last year was being spoken of in talks of straight-up trades for Manny Ramirez. All because he wasn't as good in the corner outfield spots as he was in center and what - he high-fived fans and wanted bitches to bend they knees? Stupid. What does this have to do with Johan you ask? I'll tell you:

We've already made a trade that will come back to haunt us like Scott fucking Kazmir (fuck you Steve Phillips) with Milledge - he will be a star in DC, mark it down*. So why not make a deal for the best pitcher in the game right now? You give away Carlos Gomez and a few pitchers, or possibly Fernando Martinez, we get insanely better right off the get go. It makes too much sense not to do it, as long as we don't give Santana an extension with Ztioesque dollars attached, because that's just like begging him to suck. I say if we can trade maybe Gomez, Pelfrey, Mulvey and Humber for him, then sign him for an additional 3 years, we've made out like bandits.

I'm sure by writing this I've doomed his chances of heading to Queens (I have that kind of power), but seriously, regardless of where he goes, I hope it happens soon. I'm fucking tired of reading articles like Heyman's and getting worked into a tizzy to only then get blue balls for at least another week or so.

*contingent upon Elijah Dukes staying the hell away from him