The New Kid's Trip to "Da Room"

Wednesday, May 27th; CitiField. Daniel Murphy has just hit a borderline homerun off the retarded Subway sign jut out in the right field stands. The initial call on the field is "in play"U1: In Plaaaaaaaaaay!U2: Dat's a review.U3: Oh shooore. Def'nitely a re-vyooo.

U1: Really? I'm pretty sure I got a good look at that one, looked like it almost knicked the--

U2: HUDDLE UP!U1: Guys, I know I'm new to the crew so I definitely don't want to step on toes, it's just that there's been so many reviews lately and--

U2: Hey kid, the fuck's open. Why don't you shut it up, huh?

U1: Wait what? I don't think I--

U2: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

U1: Oh. I get it now.

U3: Listen, dere, youngster. We gotta good little situation goin on here, if ya catch my drift.

U1: Um...I'm decidedly not catching your drift sorry. It's just that-- uh, guys? Why is Jerry Manuel staring and pointing at me?U1: Idunno guys, if Jerry's arm were like, 200 feet longer he'd be touching me right now. I think I'm going to eject him.

U2: That's the opposite of a good idea kid. I think he likes you. Heh. Hehe. C'mon. Let's go to Da Room.

U1: "Da Room"?

The three umpires enter into the dark hallway that leads to the CitiField replay review room. After about 40 yards of walking in complete darkness, they arrive at the door to Da Room.

U2: Welp. Go ahead, kid. Open the door.

U1: O...k...

Door swings open
U1: Oh G T F O!!! The Playhouse!?!? PEE-WEE?!?!?!!?

Pee-Wee: Sup.

U2: Welcome to the Mets payroll, kid!

U1: Excuse me?

U3: Oh shooore. We're ahn da books here at Shea--

U1: Citi.

U3: Who?

U1: Nevermind.

U3: So basically, we cahl any borderline homer fer replay review, and den we come back here, maybe have a sandwich, write a poem, "say hi to the bishop," whatever, and then we go back out and do the little home run twirly finger thingy.

U2: Well, I get to do the home run twirly finger thing.

U3: Right.

U1: Gentlemen, this is PREPOSTEROUS! I refuse, REFUSE to taint this greatest of all sports with something so vile, so under-handed, so--

U2: Do it or Cowboy Curtis rapes you to death.
C.C. God damned right I'll rape ya.

Several sandwiches later...HOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

I Owe This Victory to My Sweet Lord, eh?

Hi everyone. I'm sure most of you are wondering why I called this press conference. I just wanted to let you all know that when Rick Reilly said "It's a lousy night to be an atheist", he could not have been more right on. Now I know a lot you were rooting for Josh Hamilton to win the derby. Most of you after jumping on his bandwagon after his monstrous first round showing. I can understand this. He shares a lot of the same values with you folks. His Christian Lord Jesus Christ took some time out of his busy schedule -usually spent resolving Middle East crisis's and making sure we don't destroy the Earth - to help make some little round balls go farther than everyone elses. Air tight theory. His faith is pretty well documented.

My faith however, has never really been discussed... Heck, there aint even nothin bout it on my wikipedia page. Maybe if I had had the help of some flashy God I would have hit an historic amount of dingers in a round. But no, My sweet Lord just did exactly what needed to be done to win. And that's the point, eh?

But my down home country demeanor, coupled with my faith in my sweet saviour has taught me to be gracious in my defeat. Shoot, I didn't even mind so much when that sweet piece of tail Erin Andrews interviewed Josh immediately following the derby rather than me. I didn't mind so much when the people handing me that over sized check called me "Jason."

For I know, thanks to my sweet lord Satan, that before their time is through, I shall feast on their flesh and devour their souls.

Surprised I'm a Satanist? Don't be. We're gaining popularity all over the world, you self righteous fucks! YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES!!!! We even have our own television network, the Hail Satan Network. See for yourself:



You see? We're not so bad. So I'd just like to say: Thank you Satan. Thank you for letting me beat that righteous fuck. Thank you for not letting beard-y God and Jesus win the day. I cannot wait until my lord down below uses his powers to make his story into a Disney feature film.

The Best Idea We Ever Just Had

So as you are no doubt aware, the Mets are severely underachieving at present. I believe PECOTA has them slated to win around 93 games, so I'm still holding out hope that they start playing up to their computed expectation and telling myself that to win 93 games you still have to lose 69, and those need to happen some time anyway.

ANYWAY... Recently their manager has come under severe scrutiny as the team continues to play sub .500 baseball. I believe this to be lazy scape-goating by a New York media to driven to find a story. Retarded sports radio hosts are not helping the situation either (I'm looking at your stupid face, Craig Carton). Gary Carter, Hall of Fame catcher from the championship team in '86 - when he heard that Willie Randolph's job might be in jeopardy - called up the Mets to inquire about the position. What.a.dick. Keith Hernandez, who is probably the most ridiculous and best color commentator to ever exist in the history of anything ever, took exception.

"...I've kept quiet for such a long time, but for the people out there listening, just go in the dictionary and look up 'unconscious' and you'll find a picture of Gary Carter. I know that's strong, but it just happens too many times and it's just, you're walking around unconscious."

I explained this situation to a friend, when we hatched what is probably the greatest idea that any two people have ever idea'd in the history of idea-ing.

Keith Hernandez should become the new manager of the New York Mets. How has this not been thought up yet? Could there be a better solution (that doesn't involve space travel and wet t-shirt contests and Boiler Room references) ? I highly doubt it. So we discussed the important specifics that need to happen, should he become the manager:

-Cooler full of beverage of a cool and refreshing (and alcoholic) nature, present at all times to help provide manager brain juice.

-A Segway at the top of the dugout stairs. This will be used in lieu of walking out to argue calls with umpires. This segway will be equipped with a bull horn, to make his arguments more authoritative sounding.

-Before I get to the next and probably most important point, we need to establish that instead of a baseball uniform, Keith will be dressed as a Roman Gladiator. His helmet will be a gladiator helmet/pimp hat. And yes, he will have a sword.

-Two barely legal ladies, serving as concubines. They will serve a number of purposes beyond the obvious. They are as follows: Perky breasts used not only for fondling but also as tables for blowing copious amounts of cocaine. Instead of kicking dirt on umpire or throwing hat to ground, Keith may and shall beat the ever-living shit out of one or both concubines to express rage and fury. Instead of Keith being ejected from the game, one or both of the concubines may be ejected in his place. Should he choose, instead of throwing water cooler or trash onto field during fits of rage, concubine shall be tossed in an effort to keep Mets dugout property undamaged.

-Keith will be ushered into the dugout from the bullpen at the start of every game in his own pope mobile type vehicle.

-Every promotional day for the mets will become "Keith Hernandez Day" and during the 7th inning stretch, two barely legal, scantily clad babes make their way to center field and fight to the death for the right to be an honorary concubine for the rest of the game. Fans are encouraged to throw trash at them, as the concubines then have 5 minutes to clean up the field or they are also executed. There will still be bobble head promotional days, but only Ryan Church bobbleheads, and only accompanied by mean spirited concussion jokes.

The way I see it, this solves every problem. If the Mets win: hey awesome, the Mets win. But even if they lose you just got to throw shit at two babes fighting to the death after a man dressed like a gladiator rode around Shea Stadium on a segway shouting shit in a bullhorn! Who cares about baseball?

Thoughts on the Mets/Brewers Series

So as I sit here watching Jorge Sosa continue the suck-fest that Ollie Perez started, I thought I'd map out some of the thoughts that drifted into my head as I've watched the series.

-I am hoping someone will officially give Nelson Figuero the nickname "Chinless Wonder"

- Corey Hart.  Not as studly as his name would seem to imply.

- Jason Kendall.  Also not very easy on the eyes. 

-The Brewers bat their pitcher 8th, with Kendall - their catcher- batting 9th.  I have yet to hear this explained.  Here's my problem - the lower you have a guy in the order, the fewer at bats he's going to see over the course of a year.  So this means Brewer pitchers will bat more times than Jason Kendall.  From what I've seen thus far from Kendall, this makes zero sense.  

-Right now there is a child singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"  He is not singing it very well.

-D. Wright.  Still easy on the eyes(and a pimp!).

 

-Brewers old uniforms > Brewers new uniforms.

-Prince Fielder says he became a vegetarian in the off season, which has Brew Crew fans screaming for him to have a cheeseburger since he can't seem to hit a lick so far this season.  I'm guessing his vegetarianism doesn't exclude dairy, since he looks like he still really enjoys ice cream.

- 9 to 7 Brewers. RBI single by Damion Easley.  

- Brian Schneider is up.  I don't know what his problem is, exactly, but he dropped the ball or had a passed ball happen like, 8 times so far this game.  He's also incredibly vanilla.  I miss Paul Lo Duca.  Must be something magical about Dook's jersey number (16) because it's the number Pagan wears, and he's been kicking ass all season.  and obviously someone else pretty decent wore that number for the Metsies way back when...

-Schneider hits into a double play.  I think I might hate him.  He beat the throw, pretty obviously.  But still, take your goalie mask and get the hell out of my face.

-Guillermo Mota up in the Brewers bullpen. Oh please Oh God Oh Please let us face him.  I don't care what he did all 'roid'd up for us in '06.  He got caught and suspended and we rewarded him with a two year deal... He got off the juice and then proceeded to serve his 50 game ban, and then suck in large and dramatic fashion.

- Here comes Aaron Heilman.  Which Aaron will show up today? He's a weird looking guy.  I wonder what his voice sounds like.  I just pictured him talking like Micky Mouse.  I am fairly certain that is not the way he actually speaks.  I was going to link to a picture of him, but found a picture I have to put up, because it might be the best thing I've ever seen:

Can you guess which one is Heilman?

-I don't know where to go from there.  I have to go.

Best Way to Warm Up

David Cone says it made it more difficult to pitch, but I feel like getting jerked off prior to your start would be relaxing.

Final Home Opener At Shea

So yesterday I took the day off from work and went to Shea Stadium for the very last home opener there. It was pretty awesome to see how far along Citi Field is coming, and even more awesome to think about the prospect of not having to wait at least 15 minutes to go to the bathroom every time you have to take a leak. Seats were great. First base side Field Level between Delgado and Church.


Prior to the game there were ceremonies announcing the players, and retiring the name "Shea" along side the retired numbers, which was kind of a nice gesture, but also kind of didn't make any sense whatsoever. They then unveiled a countdown in the outfield, giving the number of games left to play at the stadium. This would have seemed a bit morbid, were Shea not such a complete and utter shit-hole.

The game started off well enough, Delgado crushed a monster shot to give us an early lead, and we got to witness no less than four fist fights at various times (none close enough to us for me to experience first hand, which was nice, since I'm a huge pussy). Our seats were also about five rows behind Gary Dell'Abate. This was funny for a few minutes, then quickly became old as numerous times throughout the game people were just yelling Baba Booey. Like, a whole lot.

Anyway, the Mets were unable to capitalize on a number of chances, and then handed the game over to their bullpen with only a 2 - 0 lead. As a Mets fan who has had to deal with a bullpen that is inconsistent at its best, there are just certain times when a reliever comes in and you know just absolutely one hundred percent know that you are doomed. When Heilman came into the game yesterday, it was one of those feelings.

Regardless of the outcome of the game, I was pretty excited when the 8th inning rolled around, I did not know when or how long the 8th inning sing-a-long song vote was going to go on for, and was curious to see whether or not they would get rick-rolled. They announced that due to an overwhelmingly large viral campaign, Astley's song won as a write-in, and won by a whole hell of a lot of votes. The Mets had been rick-rolled. At Deadspin, they have up a video of crowd reaction that seems pretty harsh. I'm not sure if it's just the horrendous audio quality of the video, or that whoever is taping this was booing with like, 3 guys around him or what. Or if maybe his section was booing? Down by where I was sitting I didn't really see a reaction one way or the other from anyone. Indifference seemed to be the overall mood of anyone anywhere near where I was, even though I had a good chuckle.

But then in a drastic double you tee eff moment, they announced they'd be playing not just that song, but all of the vote-able songs over the next week or so during the 8th inning, and it seems that whichever gets the loudest cheers will win for the season? I call bullshit, New York Mets. Shame on you. I bet Billy Joel's "Movin' Out" wins. Assholes. You allowed people to write-in, you made your bed. Deal with it.

Also - Professor Reyes is no more :(
They have two new segments: Maine Street USA, and The Wright Way.
Maine Street USA features (you guessed it!) John Maine giving us three clues in the form of street names, and then we name the city. Hilarity did not ensue.
The Wright Way featured an always dashing David Wright telling kids to always wear a helmet. I can't imagine they have 80 more installments of that...

Beer is now 8$ and pretzels are 4$ and hot dogs are 5$. I'm going to be going to another game in a few weeks that I got tickets to for 4.25$ It is more than depressing that the price of the ticket is, while ever so slightly more than a soft pretzel, it is still cheaper than hot dog and almost half as much as one 16 can of Bud Light.

The Type of Bold Prediction I Like

The Kids First Mets Game

Last baseball season, my kid was too young to really want to take her to a Mets game. It would have been more of a hassle than it was worth, and besides, trying to convince a vendor to give an 8 month old an Endy Chavez Bobble-Head seemed like a tough sell.

I believe I have to make a serious effort to take her this season. She's old enough to enjoy it, I think. It is also the last year Shea Stadium will be up. I want her to be able to see a picture of herself at Shea Stadium, so that when I tell her what a shit hole it was, she'll see and know she'd been there. Also, it will be way easier to get whatever toy they are giving away with her being this age instead of super tiny.

The question then becomes: Which game do I take her to?
Unfortunately, the team's site doesn't have the promotional dates listed yet, so it's impossible to say just yet. This, however, allows me to speculate just what they might give away this season.

Now, she still owes me since she broke my David Wright Bobble-head, but I'm willing to forgive her if there is an awesome promotion being given away. Acceptable toys include: David Wright bobble bare handed catch, vintage Ty Wigginton bobble head doll, Pedro Martinez bobble cock fight, Carlos Delgado bobble contract year HGH syringe, Mike Pelfrey bobble mouth guard, Louis Castillo bobble knee replacement, Mrs. Met Fleshlight.

Clemens v. McNamee: Boring? or Boring and Stupid?

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit biased in this whole thing. I hate Clemens; he seems like an egomaniacal prick and a complete asshole (though these seem like qualities I would admire, but he's far more successful than I'll ever be, so I hate him for it). Anyway, The only thing I want to say about the whole thing is that Clemens appears to be pretty fucked.

Clemens has been sort of contradicting himself left and right, and it seems the web of lies is starting to get him tangled, if you'll excuse the stupid turn of phrase.

After both he and McNamee testified, the committee ripped them both apart. McNamee had his credibility bent over and ravaged, but it seems all of his issues stem from not telling the whole truth, in the hopes it would never have gotten this bad. It seems as though he withheld the physical evidence because he probably hoped the Mitchell Report would be released, Clemens would issue a half hearted apology a la Giambi or Pettite, and that would be that.

Clemens on the other hand, seems to have a lot more serious inconsistencies. When it came out that McNamee injected Clemens wife with HGH, Clemens said it was without his knowledge...That she was feeling a circulation problem and "wigged out" and felt uncomfortable going to a doctor. How no one stopped him and said "I'm sorry but that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard", I'll never understand.

I tried to imagine the scenario. Deb complaining of a circulation problem, wigging out. Calm, rational Roger suggesting a visit to the doctor. Deb for some reason stating she was uncomfortable seeing a doctor, then going behind her husband's back and seeing his shady trainer for a shot of HGH, to help her circulation problem.

That seriously has to be the most batshit insane thing I've ever heard.

You Don't Mess with The Johan

Clever, right? It's almost like they're making this crappy movie just so assholes like me can use it as pun fodder!

Anyway, I was (and am, obvi) excited about Johan Santana pitching for the Mets. I am happy for him that he will be making, roughly, an assload of money. I used to be in the camp that thought it was stupid and wrong to "go out and buy championships". This was really just because it was something to say to taunt Yankees fans when the Mets sucked and it's a bit more polite than "fuck you in the face". Anyway, I've since learned a bit more about how the game works, and I appreciate that living in a large market affords my team the means to compete on a regular basis. 137.5 million for Santana? Who cares!? Ain't my fucking money. Sure, it's great to see home grown talent like Wright and Reyes play at such a high level (and such eye candy to boot!), but honestly, as much as it's a game we all love - it's also a business, and plus: we traded for Santana, the money thing was a contract extension, it isn't like we bought him out on the open market, you dicks.

So getting to the point (never been my strong suit), Tom Verducci has an article on si.com that explains just how much of a fucking badass Johan actually is. He almost walked away from 137 millions dollars over a five million dollar discrepency. I would say he is completely bats, but thats because I'm poor and plus - you can't really call the guy crazy since he got his way in the end. Anyway, apparently this bit of conversation happened:

"I told you I wasn't backing off my number," Santana told Fred Wilpon. "I appreciate your offer, but I'm passing on it." Wilpon replied, "I've been in business a long time. That's a lot of money to walk away from." "No disrespect to you," Santana said. "But I deserve it. I'll just go back and pitch and I'll get it later. Alex Rodriguez is the highest paid player in the game. I'm the best pitcher. I'm not even asking for that [Rodriguez] kind of money."

That takes balls so large I don't even want to think about their size, lest I become aroused. Also, the rumour is that he may have said, re the incentive bonuses that trigger his option year " "You get my clause, I'll get my Cy Young."

Johan? You sir, are a badass. I am glad to have you on my team. Now quickly, two things. If you pull a Zito, I will hunt you down - like this! Second, please keep your cock away and out of the spot light.

Monday Morning Myth Busting: Baseball

So Yersterday there was some kind of sports contest on at some point during the day. Anyway, leading up to the Superbowl, I was hard pressed to find something entertaining to watch on television since Sunday's are generally rot-days in the Pemulis household. I wear clothes that no self respecting person would wear in public, just to have an extra incentive not to leave the house. I plant my rear firmly in the recliner with the intention of moving only to and from the bathroom and kitchen and only when absolutely necessary. Since I had no desire to watch six hours of nonsense about why Michael Strahan is something something about the something bowl, I spent a good part of the day hitting the 'fav' button on the remote, desparate to find something entertaining.

Thankfully, Discovery Channel was running a Mythbusters marathon. Unfortunately, I've seen alot of episodes, including several of the ones aired... But, there was one I hadn't seen. It was all about baseball myths, which sounded like it could be really awesome. Turned out to be a mixed bag of pretty cool and kind of stupid.

One myth was about whether or not corked bats actually provide any sort of boost, in terms of power hitting. Surprisingly, they determined that though the bat is lighter, which makes for a faster swing, the cork inside acts like a sponge, and soaks up alot of that enery. This in turn makes the ball leave the bat at almost half the speed of an uncorked bat hitting the same ball.

Here's a behind the scenes video of the experiment:


Another interesting myth they tried to tackle, but kind of fucked up, was whether or not sliding into a base (that you aren't allowed to overrun) is faster than just running and coming to a complete stop. This means they tried running from first to second and just stopping at second base, and then tried again - this time sliding into second. While the results proved that sliding into second was a tad faster than just running and stopping; I think this experiment kind of missed the point of whatever question the fan may have sent in to be tested. I would imagine that one of the bigger reasons to slide into a base that can't be overran (ie 2nd and 3rd) is to try and avoid a tag, as well as not to completely fuck up your ankle trying to come to a sudden and complete stop from running full speed. What I think would have been much more interesting would have been to see whether or not running to first (which you're allowed to overrun) is that much faster than the head first dive into first that we Mets fans see Jose Reyes do so often. I want to know if he should be bonked on the head and slapped repeatedly or if it doesn't make much difference. Anyway, the best part of the segment might be that all these mythbuster guys are complete nerds who don't know thing one about baseball, let alone how to slide. Also, Grant (the Asian guy) refers to robot combat as a sport, and after failing to complete a slide, suggests that he could build a robot that could slide. Also built by Grant, for Grant: robot for sex, robot for snuggling, robot for bondage, and robots for combat (I'm pretty sure he actually competed and one on that short lived show Battle Bots).



Other myths busted: it's impossible to knock the hide off a baseball, there's no such thing as a rising fastball, and humid balls do not travel as far as dry balls. Blue balls, on the other hand, never seem to make it past second base, regardless of the humidity.

Amazin' Birthday Gift: Santana to the Mets!

See what I did there with that headline? Get it? Amazin'?

Anyway, my insane lameness aside, reports abound that Johan Santana is going to be a New York Met.

Considering we went from being an after thought, dark horse, long shot, etc etc. in the Santana sweepstakes, as it were, it is completely unbelievable that we actually landed him. Our rotation just got incredibly formidable, and the only real important prospect we gave up was Carlos Gomez.* Pitching prospects turn out to be busts so often it's hard to be too upset about losing Mulvey and Humber.** The fourth prospect I hadn't even heard of, so who cares about him?*** We will now be presenting Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, John Maine, Oliver Perez, and some combo of Mike Pelfrey or El Duque. If Pedro stays healthy, that has to be one of the best rotation in the NL this side of Arizona.

My brother called me to wish me a happy birthday and then told me the news, I told him cruel jokes do not equal birthday presents and that we were no longer friends. I have since apologized.

Though now that I think of it, I am pretty sure that he was convinced that telling me Santana was coming to the Mets was "a heck of a birthday present" as in, his birthday present, to me. Oh well.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate furiously thinking about the Mets, and then take a little cat nap.

*I'm sure that statement won't come back to bite me in the ass.
**Fuck you if you thought "Scott Kazmir" as you read that, asshole.
***Will definitely end up a superstar now.