OH I CALL BULLSH*T

This is an article about Suresh Joachim and his successful new "world record" for longest time watching TV nonstop.

STOCKHOLM — Suresh Joachim has broken his own Guinness world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching

See? Told you. So anyway, Suresh Joachim watched TV nonstop for 72 hours, which beats the previous record holder...um...Suresh Joachim, whose time was 69 hours, 48 minutes. How did this end up on the Mauf?

Because there's no GD way in H that this F-ing A-hole C-sucker is the F-ing World Record Holder for F-ing longest GD TV watching session. F.

How do I know this? I'm pretty sure 72 straight hours of TV is too short a time to even be my personal best, let alone best ever out of anyone ever. Oh, and

Joachim, a Sri Lanka native who lives in Toronto, watched three seasons of the drama series "24" featuring Kiefer Sutherland, said Swedish TV4 spokeswoman Janina Witkowski.

DUDE WASN'T EVEN WATCHING TV!!! I've personally sat through Season 1 of 24 the entire way through without stopping, and had any other seasons been available on DVD at the time, you bet your sweet, well defined asscheeks that I would've continued on.

"I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee," Joachim said Sunday

This dude is a pussy on wheels. I WAS DRINKING BEER AND SMOKING GODLESS AMOUNTS OF MARIJU*NA WHEN I TACKLED THE FIRST SEASON YOU LIL BITCH, I WAS WORKING AGAINST MYSELF AND STILL MANAGED TO DO IT.

Fuckin' Sri Lankans currently living in Canada.

Two Reasons I Miss Living in The Bronx

The Mets broadcasting network, SNY, shows maybe 50% local advertising during all of their commercial breaks. Living in Westchester now, I am treated to such greatness as:



This commercial is about 100 times better and more thought out than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

However, I lived in the Woodlawn area of the Bronx for a while, and didn't realize how good I had it, local commercials-wise, until it was too late. Never again during a Mets game will I be serenaded by Super Dave and his Wireless World minions:



Nor will I ever again hear the sweet sounds of the folks at North End Liquors telling me how to get my parties started right:



Though, as long as cablevision keeps celebrating its brilliant triple play package, all will be right with the world...

I have a fake job; therefore I blog

Well, I figure since I've been a "blogger" on this "blog" for "about" 3 years or something "like" that, I should maybe actually try "blogging." Plus, this gives me another outlet for complaining about shit that pisses me off, which is good because usually I just go home after work and bitch to my stuffed teddy bear.

Teddy has recently taught himself English so that he can tell me to "shud the fug up" (he's still working on his articulation; I think it's adorable), so I thought I'd give him a rest.

Before I begin bitching, though, I thought I'd share a headline I came across on cnn.com:

'Hazard's' Cooter: I was out of control

Seriously. Best headline about a former star's crippling addiction EVER. Plus, the story generated a classic quote from the old Cooter, about life after kicking the drink...in the cooter.

"A year later," he said, "I walked into an audition and was cast in what was to become one of the greatest television shows in the history of entertainment."

He, of course, is referring to "Dukes of Hazzard." No, really.

So, yeah. I know I started this post out saying some shit about complaining (and a talking teddy bear, as I recall), but typing the word "cooter" so many times put me in a good mood. I guess I'll bitch in my next post, which will probably come the next time I see an insignia for the New York Metropolitans.

Peace, love, and shotgun shellz,

Berbs

Oldies but Goodies: Kids in the Hall!

Again!


Girl Drink Drunk


Inexperienced Cannibal


Daddy Drank


The Dog For Whom I Feel Nothing

I guess this is like Cialis, in terms of boner fuel

David Cross and Bob Odenkirk got a sitcom picked up by HBO.

Now If you'll first allow me to explain my post title: unlike the Arrested Development movie, this news does not qualify as instant boner fuel. I (my weiner?) am(is) waiting for further info before we stand at attention. Therefor, this is like Cialis. Boner could happen any minute, and if it lasts more than four hours, then so does the par-tay!

Anyway, here's the show info:

It’s currently called “David’s Situation” with Cross playing himself. In the show, the comic has quit show biz and is working for inflight magazines. He lives with two roommates in a gated community, each the polar opposite on the political scale - one left and one right. David: “And I’m right in the middle.”

[T]he pair intend to keep the sitcom act break structure and break them up with fake commercials, which will allow the pair to exercise their considerable sketch comedy chops directly."

Now, here is why my half-mast and I are hesitant. David Cross is playing himself, and he has always seemed like kind of a dick. His stand up is kind of condescending, which is ok - being funny and mean is fine, just not when I'm not the one doing it. But he gets especially preachy around the topic of politics, and if that's what the show is going to be centered around, I can envision myself wanting to punch him several times. Anyway, the fake commercials and sketch comedy-ness of the whole thing seems promising, seeing as I could probably give you the exact lines of any Mr. Show skit verbatim. I also hope it doesn't end up being amazing, only to be cancelled after one season, like Lucky Louie.

Either way, I(my weiner)'ll be following this closely.

You Are The Devil

Seriously, this might be the creepiest show on television. It's part live action, part puppetry, part CGI, and all fucking weird.

Here's the description of the premise:

"The main character is Stephanie (Julianna Rose Mauriello), who arrives in town and urges her new friends Ziggy, Trixie, Stingy, and Pixel to go outside and be active, instead of staying inside and playing video games all day. Her uncle, the bumbling Mayor Milford Meanswell, enlists the help of Sportacus 10 (Magnús Scheving), a self-described "slightly-above-average hero". It is Sportacus' job to inspire the kids to play outside, and to help solve low-key emergencies that occur from time to time. However, all this does not sit well with Robbie Rotten (Stefán Karl Stefánsson), a lazy man who lives in an underground lair hidden just on the edge of town. Many of the episodes involve Robbie Rotten dressing up in a disguise and trying to ruin the kids' fun and/or make Sportacus leave town forever."

Are you there Iceland? It's me, pemulis. While I appreciate your country and am thankful for both Sigur Ros and Bjork, please stop. This show is insane, and with awesome bands in your country, I'm not sure I understand your decision to have Ace of Base score the show.

To wit, here is the main song from your show:



And this is the video for the Sigur Ros song Glosili



See the difference? Come on now. Tell me how music like that wouldn't work in the show? It builds so slowly and beautifully towards its epic climax ... it's like making love whlie listening to a gay alien sing in gibberish.

And here's the real kicker. Robbie Rotten is lazy, hence he hates all the kids playing outside and all that. OK, fine. I get that. But so my first inkling is to think: Ok asshole, why don't you just move? Oh, because you're so lazy? well then why would you go to such extravagant lengths to ruin some one's game of pirates?




And Sportacus, guess what. If someone believes you when you refer to fruits and vegetables as "sports candy", they're fucking idiots.

EDIT: I just watched that video of the pirate song again because I'm a masochist and a stupid bastard. Anyway, if you do watch it, please note the way Robbie looks at Stephanie all molester-y after he sings the line about "precious booty:"

That's What You Get

via Gizmodo

So a guy getting on a plane tries to download a few episodes of Friends, the downloads get interrupted when the plane takes off, then continue when the plane lands. He then gets a phone bill from Vodaphone (whatever that is! right?) for $22,000. Seems like the cause of the charge was going out of network - downloading while not in Germany. But I think the bigger lesson is that spending money on something douchey will always carry an asshole tax. Sorry guy, that's what you get for being a dude and wanting to watch Friends. No, scratch that, that's what you get for being a human being and wanting to watch Friends. Seriously, who likes that show? Assholes, that's who.

Baseball Season Can't Come Soon Enough

I will admit it.  Television is a way of life for me.  The writer's strike has been especially awful for me, because I need the television on at my house, even if it's just in the background as noise and something to occasionally look at.  I don't need something that requires every ounce of my attention, I just need something I don't hate with every ounce of my being.

This is a pathetic thing to admit, but I seriously can't function with the TV off.  It's too quiet.  I get home from work and need it on, it's like a white noise machine.  It makes it a hundred times worse when I need to flip channels at the very least every half hour to find something that isn't awful.  I can't help but wonder when this started, but I think it may be baseball's fault.  Almost 162 nights (sans day games and west coast games, natch) a year I have that perfect balance of background noise and entertainment.  When it's over, I don't know what to do with those nights.

Now I generally watch Mets games religiously - not moving from spots if we're rallying, refusing to speak to loved ones if it's an important at bat, etc.  But baseball games also provide the flexibility of being able to do other things while you're watching.  I can cook, play with the kid if she's up, exercise, and most importantly, drink.  By the time the game is over, be it 10, 10:30, 11. I'm ready to pass out.  

The ladies were out tonight. So, alone, I was especially bored and confused.  Not knowing what to do with the television, not knowing what to do with myself...  Eventually I put on the food network and just screwed around on the computer for a while.  But it's not the same.  It never is. Tonight was the breaking point.  The hours passed so slowly I was sure I was in purgatory at the very best.  Baseball season can't come soon enough so I can get myself on a good schedule.

Or at the very least, they could remake some awesome shows from my past and air those.  Let me pick a few at random: Knight Rider, American Gladiators....oh. fuck.  

Writers' Strike Takes Its Toll: Monday Evening TV Edition

So last night was just another boring night without the prospect of anything particularly interesting happening. As 8pm rolled around, my options for television programming were severly limited. So shitty in fact, I honestly do not remember what I watched between 8 and 9:30. Nothing on any of the ten HBO channels, no good shows, not even Independence Day or Men In Black or The Fugitive on TBS or TNT!! I was in agony, but going through my DVDs (all the way in another room) was out of the question.

So I settled: Deal or No Deal from 9:30 to 11, with the prospect of switching back and forth to Diners, Drive In's and Dives (which had two back to back episodes on starting at 10pm). Now, you are hopefully wondering why on earth I would want to watch Deal or No Deal. Truth be told, it is solely for schadenfreude. I enjoy watching people get greedy, get offered great deals for more money than they've ever seen before, turn it down because there is a 17% chance their case holds a million dollars, and then lose it all because they're greedy idiots who are charmed by a bald ocd case into believing misleading mathematical ideas.

Anyway, this particular episode was an hour and a half long, and was all new! and different! because this go-round, instead of (1) one million dollar briefcase, there were 10! one million dollar briefcases. It started off wonderfully enough, the woman chose four of the million dollar cases in a row. Way to go, jackass. Actually, let me back up. They never actually announced (or I didn't hear it anyway) how tall the woman actually was, but it's fair to say it was somewhere between 4'8 and 5'1, tops. I don't know if this is SOP for this show, but there were nonstop jokes from both Howie Mandell and the "banker" about how short this broad was - it was awesome. For no reason at all (except to kill time, I know) they brought out one of those things you see at carnivals that says, "you must be this tall..." only this one was the height requirement to win a million dollars. Well played, banker. The button that flashes for the contestant press to make a deal was "malfunctioning" and so the banker rectified the situation by lowering a new button from the ceiling that this chick couldn't have pressed if she were on stilts. You win, banker. In the end she fucked up having 10!!! million dollar cases and made a deal for like, just under three hundred grand. Who cares, I know. The important thing is that you read on, and understand just how awesome Diners, Drive In's and Dives is.

Hosted by Guy Fierri, -the winner of season 2 of The Next Food Network Star- this show travels across America to (you guessed it) awesome diners, drive in's and dives to places that have the best specials and delicacies. Guy is kind of ridiculous, with bleached blond spikey hair, and sunglasses that he wears backwards under his ears, and he also describes food as "money" and "out of bounds". He also refers to the show as "Triple D". I think I might hate him. All he does is go to amazing restaurants and eat ridiculously good food. I don't know if it is the show I like, so much as the idea of having his job. I came to the same conclusion while watching Road Tasted and Feasting on Asphalt.

On Road Tasted, Paula Deen's two sons, who are also essentially best friends, go to a particular city each episode and go to famous and reknowned shops and eat delicious food and see how it's all made. They are obviously having an insane amount of fun and I am supremely jealous.

On Feasting on Asphalt, Alton Brown travels cross country on a motorcycle - taking only backroads, to get a taste for real American food. He has gotten to eat some of the most amazing looking food, and take incredible road trips on a motorcycle with friends. I am even more jealous of this show, since Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is one of my favorite books, and since I don't have the balls to own or ride a motorcycle, or the balls to take a cross country trip.

Have a look - below are some clips.

Diners Drive In's and Dives


Feasting on Asphalt


Road Tasted

The Wednesday Unsung Hero Award

When the Legendary Luau Brothers were in their most desperate time of need, when they had been twice previously thwarted by the vicious Volcano sisters in their (the brothers) attempt to pacify the sisters and prevent an eruption, who came to the rescue?

That's right. Austin. Your unsung hero of the week. He may be new on the block, but according to polls he was voted second favorite Backyardigan only behind Pablo, the OG original gangsta.

He knew that all Tasha and Uniqua really wanted was to be invited to the Luau, not some fancy stone or some fancy pearl, but he kept quiet until both Pablo and Tyrone had failed with their attempts at appeasement. Was this because he's shy? Because he's the new guy, afraid to take a stand?

No. It is because Austin, our hero, is a complete asshole. He uses his false timidness (bear in mind they refer to themselves as: Tyrone the Strong, Pablo the Swift, and "Just" Austin) in The Legend of the Volcano Sisters to allow his friends to fail, while he all along knew that flowers and a couple of nice words to the ladies would win their hearts. Then, when the situation is most dire, Austin comes through and looks like a hero, and a smooth motherfuckin ladies' man.

Austin appears in the fewest of the episodes of any of the characters, and I think it's because he's a schadenfreude lovin asshole who might just be the ultimate badass.