That's What You Get

via Gizmodo

So a guy getting on a plane tries to download a few episodes of Friends, the downloads get interrupted when the plane takes off, then continue when the plane lands. He then gets a phone bill from Vodaphone (whatever that is! right?) for $22,000. Seems like the cause of the charge was going out of network - downloading while not in Germany. But I think the bigger lesson is that spending money on something douchey will always carry an asshole tax. Sorry guy, that's what you get for being a dude and wanting to watch Friends. No, scratch that, that's what you get for being a human being and wanting to watch Friends. Seriously, who likes that show? Assholes, that's who.

Why I'm Rooting For Eli.... A-rod?

As someone who grew up a Mets fan and a Jets fan in New York, it's been nice to have your team's shitty seasons overlooked by negatives from another teams good season.  Take for example, the Giants of this season, or the Yankees since A-rod joined them.  On the back of every newspaper, and the topic of every sports talk radio show is all Yankees and Giants (and the fucking Rangers, if you're scoring at home).    This means, even while the team you obsess over for roughly 8 months out of the year is going through an historic collapse, the only thing you'll see on the front page of the sports is "Why aren't Derek Jeter and A-rod having sleep overs any more?"  (except for when said prior team completes said collapse. fuck...anyway)  Same thing goes for football.  I don't really know why, but the New York Media is seriously all over the Giants and the Yankees and could seem to really give a shit about the Jets especially.  We made the playoffs last year, seemingly got better over the off-season, then proceeded to completely fucking blow for 17 weeks (I assume the bye week consisted of the team blowing each other, so it still counts, in a gives-me-a-boner type of way). Completely ignored by the papers.  What do we get instead?  "Giants win again, but Eli sure isn't a leader and will never be Peyton and we're all spoiled with nothing better to do huh?!"  Seriously.  The G-men have a good season and the focus of the whole fucking season isn't how they overcame a seriously large amount of injuries to not only make the playoffs but make it to the superbowl, but how big of a poopy-pants douche is Eli...  Now, I understand the way in which he made it to the Giants (whiney baby blah blah) deserves to then be scrutinized, but your team is fucking winning.  Who cares if he threw 3 picks when your team fucking won?  Guess what?  The other New York team got blown out again and no one seems to care. 

 While I do love having my crappy teams missteps glazed over, it also makes me furious with spoiled New York fans with nothing better to do but complain about wins for their fucking team...  which brings me back to the A-rod factor.  I have 'friends' who are Yankee fans who could honestly not give a flying fuck about baseball until September.  They literally do not pay any attention whatsoever to baseball until then.. Then, somehow, they are the biggest fans on the planet.  FUCK YOU.  These are the same people who see the back page of the Post and see A-rod being called out for striking out three times in one game as if this is some indication of his overall play and were dying for him to opt-out of his contract and leave the Yankees and take his 'cancer' with him. (firejoemorgan.com does a much better idea of explaining how stupid people who bad mouth a-rod are, so I won't really try)  Anyway, for this reason, I generally root for A-rod, I want him to do awesome,  I want him to break every record ever, and  I want the Yankees to lose.  You fucking assholes don't deserve him.  I wanted so badly for him to wind up on some other team and immediately win the world series just as a fuck you to every asshole Yankee fan. I could not have been more furious when he negotiated his own deal to stay there for the better part of forever. Anyway, this is why I am rooting for Eli Manning.  

I want to call out all my asshole friends for badmouthing him  constantly and talking about how fucked the team was without Tiki and how shitty Coughlin was, and how the team should draft another QB - fuck all of you in your stupid faces.  So yes, I'm rooting for Eli to throw six touchdown passes in the superbowl, as long as the Giants don't win, because fuck you spoiled assho.... oh fuck. who are they playing?  Oh. Fuck. Me...

Ok... Go Giants!!! 

New Year's Heave: A guide to better living in 2008

2008 is shaping up to be a huge year in my life. On the Eve of 2008 while crying to myself about how lonely my life is, I decided that change was imperative. Right before I passed out in a pile of someone else's vomit I mumbled 'This fat shit is going to lose weight, stop smoking, and masturbate a helluva a lot more in 08.' My campaign slogan, in hopes to get more people to vote during the elections in November is 'Masturbate in '08.' It rolls off the tongue, no? Anyway, I've started a workout regimen that's producing amazing results.

I've really been trying to get in better shape lately. I've come up with a rigorous workout routine that revolves around not eating, drinking in excess, and smoking cigarettes. One might ask, 'How would you consider that a workout routine, when you actually aren't working out?' And to that, I would answer: 'Do you like to fuck?'

I've noticed that if you eat in small doses, then get blind drunk and throw up, you can mask your boy-limia with something cool like 'yo man, I totally got drunk off Smirnoff Watermelon last night and puked out that sprout salad I ate for lunch.' Now you might say 'Bulimic or not, that sprout salad you had for lunch with the light vinaigrette and the cherry tomatoes is pretty damn gay dude.' To that I would most likely respond: 'Who wants to fuck?'

Lately, I have become accustomed to smelling other peoples food really really hard and then sighing loudly. I find the fragrance leaves me with the feeling: 'I had a delicious tofu tart sprinkled ever so lightly in a spicy picante sauce with just a hint of rosemary to taste.' I can hear you already: 'dude, did you lube the dick up with the tofu before you shoved it up your ass?' To which I would most definitely respond with 'You want to...you know?'

NUTRITIONAL FACTS:

Calories burned: 1 million

Cigarettes smoked: 1million

Liquor drunk: 1 million gallons

Calories burned from vomit acid: 1 million

Smoking cigarettes and drinking beer with cigarettes in them: 20

*nutritional facts based on FDA: Fart and Dick Assholsciation (can you get any LESS clever than what I just wrote?) How about: Fuck and Dick Asshole. That's better...much better.*

Feel free to print and pass along to friends and we'll reconvene here in a few days to discuss. In the meantime, I need to shave a nut.