New Year's Heave: A guide to better living in 2008

2008 is shaping up to be a huge year in my life. On the Eve of 2008 while crying to myself about how lonely my life is, I decided that change was imperative. Right before I passed out in a pile of someone else's vomit I mumbled 'This fat shit is going to lose weight, stop smoking, and masturbate a helluva a lot more in 08.' My campaign slogan, in hopes to get more people to vote during the elections in November is 'Masturbate in '08.' It rolls off the tongue, no? Anyway, I've started a workout regimen that's producing amazing results.

I've really been trying to get in better shape lately. I've come up with a rigorous workout routine that revolves around not eating, drinking in excess, and smoking cigarettes. One might ask, 'How would you consider that a workout routine, when you actually aren't working out?' And to that, I would answer: 'Do you like to fuck?'

I've noticed that if you eat in small doses, then get blind drunk and throw up, you can mask your boy-limia with something cool like 'yo man, I totally got drunk off Smirnoff Watermelon last night and puked out that sprout salad I ate for lunch.' Now you might say 'Bulimic or not, that sprout salad you had for lunch with the light vinaigrette and the cherry tomatoes is pretty damn gay dude.' To that I would most likely respond: 'Who wants to fuck?'

Lately, I have become accustomed to smelling other peoples food really really hard and then sighing loudly. I find the fragrance leaves me with the feeling: 'I had a delicious tofu tart sprinkled ever so lightly in a spicy picante sauce with just a hint of rosemary to taste.' I can hear you already: 'dude, did you lube the dick up with the tofu before you shoved it up your ass?' To which I would most definitely respond with 'You want to...you know?'

NUTRITIONAL FACTS:

Calories burned: 1 million

Cigarettes smoked: 1million

Liquor drunk: 1 million gallons

Calories burned from vomit acid: 1 million

Smoking cigarettes and drinking beer with cigarettes in them: 20

*nutritional facts based on FDA: Fart and Dick Assholsciation (can you get any LESS clever than what I just wrote?) How about: Fuck and Dick Asshole. That's better...much better.*

Feel free to print and pass along to friends and we'll reconvene here in a few days to discuss. In the meantime, I need to shave a nut.