Don't Stop Bar-eathin: A Leaflet on Quitting Smoking

I love cigarettes. In fact, I love them so much that it actually feels like I am breaking up with them as I stomp them out. Since the days of yore, I have always enjoyed the company and solace in a frost brewed ci. Many of the best nights/days of my life are a direct result of chain smoking for hours on end while bullshitting with a bunch of pricks. I know quitting is going to be an extremely hard thing to embark on, mainly b/c everything in the past 9 years I associate, in some way, with a healthy CI. So, in hopes to make things a little easier, I've spoken with a plethora of people ranging from scientists, nurses, and escaped convicts and pieced together my own five step program based on my studies.

FIVE STEP PROGRAM
To ensure that quitting will last

Step 1: STIMULATION
Wake up each morning finger yourself and slow fuck your mattress. This should cut down on cravings until the lunching hour. (Knuckles 23)

Step 2: PAIN
Go to your local hardware store and get a back of rock salt and a bag of sand. Take a cocktail straw and insert it into the cockhole. Take 1 gram of rock salt, and 2 grains of sand between your index finger and thumb. Gently stuff into the cocktail straw and, in effect, the dickole. This will give you an unbelievable burning sensation in your groin, but one helluvan orgasm.

(Knuckles 27)
Note: pebbles and dirt can be used as substitutes

Step 3: HOSTAGES
If you have a Discovery Zone or an A-Ha in your neighborhood, this will be a cake walk. Loiter around the local children's places and choose the kid who seems to be the most unloved by his/her parent(s). When he/she isn't being watched, lure them away with a Dora/Backyardigans figurine. Take the kid to a children's movie, buy him a toy, and tell him about magical places where there are waterfalls of chocolate and it rains gumdrops. By this time you can bet there's an A.P.B. out on you. Call the police station and demand $40 in ransom money at the phone booth on the corner of Park and 5th and that you'll leave the kid there after you receive the money. Once you successfully retrieve the money and return the kid - you've totally made out on this one b/c the money it cost to take the kid to the movie is now paid in full + a little fringe benefit! (Knuckles 51)

Note: Adult can be substituted for kid. Use money or eggs to lure

Step 4: ASSOCIATION
One of the most difficult things to do when quitting is breaking old habits that are associated with smoking (i.e.: coffee, after dinner, anal). This can be remedied fairly easily by conditioning yourself into creating new associations. Here's how I went about it. I positioned myself so that my girlfriend could smash me on the side of the head with a brick, propelling me into the bathroom mirror and inevitably cracking my head on the tiled floor. This made me lose my short term memory. I have to resort to tattooing basic life instructions to various parts of my body and write notes and draw maps. One example I have of a body tattoo is an arrow pointing to my genitals that says 'jerk-off.' This has proven to be a fool proof plan b/c I can barely remember to eat let alone smoke a delightful one. If you're not ready for this step yet, then smear some fecal matter on a pretzel rod and nosh on it throughout the day to cut down on cravings. (Knuckles 34)

Step 5: QUITTING QUITTING
If you feel that you are unable to meet the challenge of quitting head on, then please feel free to continue enjoying smoking. I know, I do. (Knuckles 46)

Bibliography:

All quotes are direct from Melkworth Knuckles, an escaped convict from Sing Sing. He broke into my home on 12/25/07 disguised as a foot. He's been holding my family hostage ever since and keeps screaming about the joys of toast and leisure.

If you read this I live at 62...(connection lost)