Friday, January 18, 2008

Eating Mishaps, Or: Exactly How Stupid Are You?

Few things bother me more than fucking up while eating. No wait, that's not true. There are a ton of things that bother me way more than fucking up while eating. Anyway... One of the many things about life that annoy the ever-living shit out of me is fucking up while eating. This includes burning your tongue, biting your lip, or the very worst, biting the inside of your cheek. Nothing makes me feel more stupid than doing one of these things. No wait, that's not true, I feel stupid all the time regardless of what I'm doing. Anyway... These are three of the many things that make me feel like a complete moron. If you are me, that means you have been eating in order to stay alive for twenty-five years. TWENTY-FIVE years of doing something and you still manage to fuck it up!

Oh, burnt your tongue on soup, huh? Ah well, rookie mistake.. how long you been eating hot food for?

Oh.. oh my...

Bit your cheek huh? well, you'll learn. How long you been chewing food for?

Oh...oh my..

You'd think at some point it just clicks and you stop being such a pig that your instincts kick in and say "Hey, we can wait another two minutes, don't bother putting that steaming pile of glop into your mouth just yet." But no, it doesn't... At least it doesn't for me.

I think biting your cheek has to be the worst because it hurts for multiple days, which means you get at least a like, seventy-two hour reminder of what a fucking dolt you are. It also means that if you eat anything salty the inside of your mouth is going to hurt like hell.

From here on out I'm taking all my meals chilled and through a straw, thank you kindly.

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