Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Bargle Paisano and the Case of the 6 Train Jacker

(artists rendition)

Bargle Paisano was no ordinary boy. He had a nose for clues. Thanks in no small part to his dog, Scoops, Bargle had been in the mystery solving business for 2 years, since the ripe age of 8. Son of a chimney sweep and a seemstress, Bargle grew up largely unloved - save for one night of filthy love from an uncle who's name he no longer remembers. One day on his trek up to the park from Little Italy, a trek generally made on foot (as the subway was no place for a little boy by his lonesome), Scoops ran down the stairs and made his way on to the six train platform.

Bargle knew he couldn't just abandon Scoops, so he raced after him down the stairs, only to see the plump beagle making his way on to the recently opened train doors. In a panic, he jumped the turnstile and rushed onto the train. Being midday, there were few people with them in the car. Alone and safe he thought... but then he heard a sound and saw what appeared to be a walrus in a ski cap, flapping his arms about madly. Nervous, Bargle sat down and began to take deep breaths and think calming thoughts. With Scoops in his lap, he drank it all in and cooly processed the information surrounding him on the train car.

The walrus in question was actually a man, who appeared to be having some sort of fisticuffs with his penis. The aroma reaching Bargle's nose was reminiscent of rape mixed with beer shits covered in candied goat shit. (He wondered with a shudder as to why he recognized these scents) Eager to difuse the situation and solve the mystery of the man and his fighting penis, Bargle asked sincerely,

"Sir, May I ask what the problem here is?"
"My leg has a DNA!!!!"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Holy Christ, Scoop. lets get out of here"

With that last shout from the vagabond, the train stopped and Bargle was able to escape unharmed, if a little frazzled. He decided that instead of going to the park he would call it an early day and go home.

For Bargle, it was another mystery that was going to have by solved by way of demonstration, with the help of his mother and father, violently, while all he could do was hold onto Scoops and cry.

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