Thursday, January 24, 2008

Zen and The Art of Hog Teasing

You may have heard of Hogging,(competition with friends at a bar/party/whatever and trying to bang the fattest chick there) which is a great game unless you don't win. Coming in second place is actually more like coming in last place. Hog Teasing is a much more subtle art and can be much more enjoyable to a much larger audience. Hog Teasing involves being at a bar or party, or even just walking down any given street on any given day, and subtly poking fun at a fat girl. This can be made into a competition if so desired - see who can make the fattest girl cry, etc, etc. - or it can just be done for a few belly laughs (though careful when it comes to that belly, tubby - or you're next).

Here are some ideas for you to do some hog teasing.

Approach fat girl at bar, lean against wall and look at her seductively. If/When she turns to say hello, say "ha, just kidding chubbles" (feel free here to exchange "chubbles" for your favorite word to describe a fat person)

Attach a mini-burger to fishing line, dangle in front of Hog, and make that piggy dance!

Take fat girl to salon for backcombing, let Rodrigo do his thang!

Approach Hog's table, ask her if she's going to finish those nachos, before she can answer, tell her you were joking because you know she is going to finish those nachos.

Hit on fat girl, win her confidence. Proceed to tickle hog, and laugh and point out her rolls and back fat.

Chase hog around bar with rope. Subdue and tie her limbs together, rendering her immobile. Make jokes about cupcakes.

Pour the following on the hog: Peach Schnapps, Vodka, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice, Pineapple juice. Shout "Hey everyone, look! Sex on the beached whale!"

Say hello to hog and her friends. Tell them how nice they are to spend all this quality time with her before they put her on the spit for roasting. Tell them you will see them at the luau, hand them an apple and walk away.

Approach hog and act as though she is a loved one you haven't seen in ages, when she inquires as to why you are reacting as such, tell her you are just so relieved that story about her being shot and killed in Georgia was a hoax.

Please feel free to create your own hog tease, as there really is no wrong way to go about this. Just please, keep it tasteful and be respectful.

shit, now i'm hungry.

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