A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.
Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said.Couple things here. Why was he naked? And... a BUTTER knife?! Also... Where was his wife when he was going through with this? To insert a butter knife into one's hernia region would require effort and pain that Would not go unnoticed even if Mrs. Dr. GeniusFace was rocking out her iPod and crocheting or whatever people do.
"He actually impaled himself with the butter knife," Lorenz said. "He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn't want to wait any longer for the medical procedure."
Ok, so you're somehow so fed up that you've decided to perform surgery on yourself, you ambitious soul you, and so you're now trying to determine the best way to cut open your stomach to... fix... your... hernia? Do you even know what a hernia actually is? Even if you do, would you know what it looked like after you somehow cut your own stomach open to see it? And why the fuck would you jab at it with a cigarette? It's going to get all bloody and then you can't smoke it and those things are like a million bucks these days bro!
Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. "I don't know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything," he said.Further proof we need to work on making lightsabers a reality. They Cauterize as they cut!
Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.
No, no.... Bro. Trust me, even if you weren't? Lie. "Yea, I was WAY hammered. I would never jab a butter knife into my gut and then a lit cigarette! I don't even remember that shit!"