You Don't Mess with The Johan

Clever, right? It's almost like they're making this crappy movie just so assholes like me can use it as pun fodder!

Anyway, I was (and am, obvi) excited about Johan Santana pitching for the Mets. I am happy for him that he will be making, roughly, an assload of money. I used to be in the camp that thought it was stupid and wrong to "go out and buy championships". This was really just because it was something to say to taunt Yankees fans when the Mets sucked and it's a bit more polite than "fuck you in the face". Anyway, I've since learned a bit more about how the game works, and I appreciate that living in a large market affords my team the means to compete on a regular basis. 137.5 million for Santana? Who cares!? Ain't my fucking money. Sure, it's great to see home grown talent like Wright and Reyes play at such a high level (and such eye candy to boot!), but honestly, as much as it's a game we all love - it's also a business, and plus: we traded for Santana, the money thing was a contract extension, it isn't like we bought him out on the open market, you dicks.

So getting to the point (never been my strong suit), Tom Verducci has an article on si.com that explains just how much of a fucking badass Johan actually is. He almost walked away from 137 millions dollars over a five million dollar discrepency. I would say he is completely bats, but thats because I'm poor and plus - you can't really call the guy crazy since he got his way in the end. Anyway, apparently this bit of conversation happened:

"I told you I wasn't backing off my number," Santana told Fred Wilpon. "I appreciate your offer, but I'm passing on it." Wilpon replied, "I've been in business a long time. That's a lot of money to walk away from." "No disrespect to you," Santana said. "But I deserve it. I'll just go back and pitch and I'll get it later. Alex Rodriguez is the highest paid player in the game. I'm the best pitcher. I'm not even asking for that [Rodriguez] kind of money."

That takes balls so large I don't even want to think about their size, lest I become aroused. Also, the rumour is that he may have said, re the incentive bonuses that trigger his option year " "You get my clause, I'll get my Cy Young."

Johan? You sir, are a badass. I am glad to have you on my team. Now quickly, two things. If you pull a Zito, I will hunt you down - like this! Second, please keep your cock away and out of the spot light.

Quit Playin' Games with My Heart

I was originally going to title this post "please Jon Heyman stop being such a cock tease" but it seemed too gay. Anyway, according to his recent article on SI, the Mets have become the front runners in the Johan Santana trade. Here is why I think we should do whatever it takes to get him (regarding prospects, were they to trade Reyes I would go on a killing spree).

We already traded Lastings Milledge for Brian Schneider and Ryan Church. Two serviceable players - a decent defensive catcher who cant hit for shit, and an outfielder who will platoon because he cant hit lefties... For a guy who last year was being spoken of in talks of straight-up trades for Manny Ramirez. All because he wasn't as good in the corner outfield spots as he was in center and what - he high-fived fans and wanted bitches to bend they knees? Stupid. What does this have to do with Johan you ask? I'll tell you:

We've already made a trade that will come back to haunt us like Scott fucking Kazmir (fuck you Steve Phillips) with Milledge - he will be a star in DC, mark it down*. So why not make a deal for the best pitcher in the game right now? You give away Carlos Gomez and a few pitchers, or possibly Fernando Martinez, we get insanely better right off the get go. It makes too much sense not to do it, as long as we don't give Santana an extension with Ztioesque dollars attached, because that's just like begging him to suck. I say if we can trade maybe Gomez, Pelfrey, Mulvey and Humber for him, then sign him for an additional 3 years, we've made out like bandits.

I'm sure by writing this I've doomed his chances of heading to Queens (I have that kind of power), but seriously, regardless of where he goes, I hope it happens soon. I'm fucking tired of reading articles like Heyman's and getting worked into a tizzy to only then get blue balls for at least another week or so.

*contingent upon Elijah Dukes staying the hell away from him