Amazin' Birthday Gift: Santana to the Mets!

See what I did there with that headline? Get it? Amazin'?

Anyway, my insane lameness aside, reports abound that Johan Santana is going to be a New York Met.

Considering we went from being an after thought, dark horse, long shot, etc etc. in the Santana sweepstakes, as it were, it is completely unbelievable that we actually landed him. Our rotation just got incredibly formidable, and the only real important prospect we gave up was Carlos Gomez.* Pitching prospects turn out to be busts so often it's hard to be too upset about losing Mulvey and Humber.** The fourth prospect I hadn't even heard of, so who cares about him?*** We will now be presenting Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, John Maine, Oliver Perez, and some combo of Mike Pelfrey or El Duque. If Pedro stays healthy, that has to be one of the best rotation in the NL this side of Arizona.

My brother called me to wish me a happy birthday and then told me the news, I told him cruel jokes do not equal birthday presents and that we were no longer friends. I have since apologized.

Though now that I think of it, I am pretty sure that he was convinced that telling me Santana was coming to the Mets was "a heck of a birthday present" as in, his birthday present, to me. Oh well.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate furiously thinking about the Mets, and then take a little cat nap.

*I'm sure that statement won't come back to bite me in the ass.
**Fuck you if you thought "Scott Kazmir" as you read that, asshole.
***Will definitely end up a superstar now.

Quit Playin' Games with My Heart

I was originally going to title this post "please Jon Heyman stop being such a cock tease" but it seemed too gay. Anyway, according to his recent article on SI, the Mets have become the front runners in the Johan Santana trade. Here is why I think we should do whatever it takes to get him (regarding prospects, were they to trade Reyes I would go on a killing spree).

We already traded Lastings Milledge for Brian Schneider and Ryan Church. Two serviceable players - a decent defensive catcher who cant hit for shit, and an outfielder who will platoon because he cant hit lefties... For a guy who last year was being spoken of in talks of straight-up trades for Manny Ramirez. All because he wasn't as good in the corner outfield spots as he was in center and what - he high-fived fans and wanted bitches to bend they knees? Stupid. What does this have to do with Johan you ask? I'll tell you:

We've already made a trade that will come back to haunt us like Scott fucking Kazmir (fuck you Steve Phillips) with Milledge - he will be a star in DC, mark it down*. So why not make a deal for the best pitcher in the game right now? You give away Carlos Gomez and a few pitchers, or possibly Fernando Martinez, we get insanely better right off the get go. It makes too much sense not to do it, as long as we don't give Santana an extension with Ztioesque dollars attached, because that's just like begging him to suck. I say if we can trade maybe Gomez, Pelfrey, Mulvey and Humber for him, then sign him for an additional 3 years, we've made out like bandits.

I'm sure by writing this I've doomed his chances of heading to Queens (I have that kind of power), but seriously, regardless of where he goes, I hope it happens soon. I'm fucking tired of reading articles like Heyman's and getting worked into a tizzy to only then get blue balls for at least another week or so.

*contingent upon Elijah Dukes staying the hell away from him

Why I'm Rooting For Eli.... A-rod?

As someone who grew up a Mets fan and a Jets fan in New York, it's been nice to have your team's shitty seasons overlooked by negatives from another teams good season.  Take for example, the Giants of this season, or the Yankees since A-rod joined them.  On the back of every newspaper, and the topic of every sports talk radio show is all Yankees and Giants (and the fucking Rangers, if you're scoring at home).    This means, even while the team you obsess over for roughly 8 months out of the year is going through an historic collapse, the only thing you'll see on the front page of the sports is "Why aren't Derek Jeter and A-rod having sleep overs any more?"  (except for when said prior team completes said collapse. fuck...anyway)  Same thing goes for football.  I don't really know why, but the New York Media is seriously all over the Giants and the Yankees and could seem to really give a shit about the Jets especially.  We made the playoffs last year, seemingly got better over the off-season, then proceeded to completely fucking blow for 17 weeks (I assume the bye week consisted of the team blowing each other, so it still counts, in a gives-me-a-boner type of way). Completely ignored by the papers.  What do we get instead?  "Giants win again, but Eli sure isn't a leader and will never be Peyton and we're all spoiled with nothing better to do huh?!"  Seriously.  The G-men have a good season and the focus of the whole fucking season isn't how they overcame a seriously large amount of injuries to not only make the playoffs but make it to the superbowl, but how big of a poopy-pants douche is Eli...  Now, I understand the way in which he made it to the Giants (whiney baby blah blah) deserves to then be scrutinized, but your team is fucking winning.  Who cares if he threw 3 picks when your team fucking won?  Guess what?  The other New York team got blown out again and no one seems to care. 

 While I do love having my crappy teams missteps glazed over, it also makes me furious with spoiled New York fans with nothing better to do but complain about wins for their fucking team...  which brings me back to the A-rod factor.  I have 'friends' who are Yankee fans who could honestly not give a flying fuck about baseball until September.  They literally do not pay any attention whatsoever to baseball until then.. Then, somehow, they are the biggest fans on the planet.  FUCK YOU.  These are the same people who see the back page of the Post and see A-rod being called out for striking out three times in one game as if this is some indication of his overall play and were dying for him to opt-out of his contract and leave the Yankees and take his 'cancer' with him. (firejoemorgan.com does a much better idea of explaining how stupid people who bad mouth a-rod are, so I won't really try)  Anyway, for this reason, I generally root for A-rod, I want him to do awesome,  I want him to break every record ever, and  I want the Yankees to lose.  You fucking assholes don't deserve him.  I wanted so badly for him to wind up on some other team and immediately win the world series just as a fuck you to every asshole Yankee fan. I could not have been more furious when he negotiated his own deal to stay there for the better part of forever. Anyway, this is why I am rooting for Eli Manning.  

I want to call out all my asshole friends for badmouthing him  constantly and talking about how fucked the team was without Tiki and how shitty Coughlin was, and how the team should draft another QB - fuck all of you in your stupid faces.  So yes, I'm rooting for Eli to throw six touchdown passes in the superbowl, as long as the Giants don't win, because fuck you spoiled assho.... oh fuck. who are they playing?  Oh. Fuck. Me...

Ok... Go Giants!!!