Friday, January 16, 2009

Phlegmin' Trouble? Phlegmin Luck!

Happy lunchtime everyone! Yes, I know that title works much better with Urine, but (un?)fortunately I'm not having any trouble in that department...on this day.

Anyway, do you find yourself hacking and coughing in severe pain in every atom of your sinuses at even the slightest sign of being rhinovirally afflicted? You do? Congratulations, you're me! You handsome devil you.

Well, I've uncovered a sure fire system to help alleviate your suffering. It will also pretty much ensure that you get to sit by yourself on whatever form of mass transportation you ride to your job. I will now explain your day to you, the snot-throated.

You will wake up. It will hurt to swallow. You will know this is because of the chunks of snot in your throat. This thought will disgust you, but you must use the disgust to your advantage. You will try and cough, and you will blow your nose. Repeatedly. This will not work. You will have an enormous headache that seems to start in the center of your nose and rise up and wrap around your eyes, as though some asshole were trying to squeeze the life out of your eyes.

Here's what you must do: You must make yourself throw up. Now. You don't recall how you discovered this, and you don't really want to remember. You do not actually throw up. You merely make yourself gag. this will do one of two things: make a giant hunk of snot come racing out of your mouth; or send the hunk of snot up your sinus passages into the nasal region, in which case you will feel a sudden and serious blockage. You can then blow your nose until you see a gigantic viscous green wad in your tissue. It is going to be enormous, and you are going to want to play with it, because you can't believe this gleaming chunk of goo was in your throat for the past few hours. Resist this urge. Someone will see you. And remember to use Puff plus lotion. Your nose will thank you.

Also, note that this is something you will have to do multiple times during the day. Remember to do anything you can to distract yourself, so that you're not sitting next to someone on the train, coughing and trying your best to discreetly hock up phlegm. It isn't working.

On a semi-related note: If you had "2" as the page number on a google image search for "puffs plus lotion" as being the first page in that search to contain porn, you are the winner. Your prize is in my coat pocket. At first it's going to feel a bit like a soggy tissue, but once you see it you'll realize that it is actually several soggy tissues.

1 comment:

  1. That's I threw up a little in my mouth while reading this.

    ...oddly, my nasal passages cleared up and my throat stopped hurting shortly after that. I'm not sure what to attribute it to...